A 9yr Old Shouldn’t have Toilet Accidents

It's very possible that there is more to it and she doesn't want to share her son's private medical information with you.

It’s obviously not ideal he is having accidents at 9, but as others have said, seeing a doctor doesn’t magically fix the issue.

My DS, who’s nearly 11, pooed himself for years after being potty trained. We tried laxatives at 8 for suspected constipation, but they made no difference to the accidents. After further tests, it turned out there was no underlying medical cause and his accidents were due to behaviour, avoiding stopping playing or being reluctant to go in public until it was too late.
We ditched the laxatives, introduced scheduled toilet breaks, and limited screen time He’s not 100% accident-free now, but he’s miles better at managing it, and taking himself off to change instead of ignoring it when it happens.

To suggest that your SIL isn’t taking it seriously just because she hasn’t pursued medical input yet feels unfair. From what you have described it sound does sound like your DN is similar to DS. It might just take time, patience, and a bit of trial and error to figure out what’s going on, something that SIL is probably doing. It’s really not uncommon for boys to have daytime accidents up until teenage years for many different reasons.

My brother was still crapping himself until he was 10. There was never any reason for it and it would happen at school and at home. Something switched when he was 10 and it just never happened again. Prior to that it was almost like he had no self awareness over it

Yes, it surprises me how many people have said you're unreasonable. I know a lot of parents apparently think it's fine to let teachers toilet train them at age 5, according to other posts (obviously some children have medical needs or SEND, but it's very recent that the majority think it's ok for most children not to be dry), but I would be concerned, and there might well be medical issues, which if you're a close family, I would expect they'd have mentioned if they were already seeing a doctor.

Likely to be caused by constipation but unless you know about it and you fall lucky with a GP who knows about it you can be stuck for years. The nurses at the ERIC charity are life savers.

we had 4 gp’s at our old practice abd we were on number 4 before I found one who had the first idea how to manage it (straight out of training). We are no longer patients of that practice and dc didn’t grow out of it he had appropriate treatment - and I attended a 3 hour online course run by ERIC - literally life changing for both of us

Exactly. By 9 you know you need the toilet and how to ask to go.

Good grief.
You have no idea.
You can't seriously think he is happy for this to happen to him, if he could prevent it ?

As others have said, his Mum is most likely respecting his privacy and not discussing it with people. That doesn't mean they haven't seen the Dr.

But, of course 'seeing the Dr' isn't a magic wand - any help can help some children, but it will usually take years.

Exactly. By 9 you know you need the toilet and how to ask to go.
Unless he is unwell and he has no bowel control. Which is very sad and embarrassing for him.

My daughter is nearly 6 and withholds her stools causing her to soil herself regularly. She is under the bladder and bowel clinic for this. However if someone asked me about her I wouldn't want to disclose her medical history to them and she's 5 and finds it embarrassing. It must be even more embarrassing for a 9yr old. I don't really think it's any of your business.

My 8 year old boy still has poo accidents occasionally. He has never liked pooping and puts it off until he literally starts shitting himself. It was much worse a few years ago (he used to almost completely refuse to go) but accidents are much rarer now. He's neurotypical.

So it doesn't sound beyond the realm of normalcy to me, though obviously 9 is quite late. Either way, I don't think you need to be worried about it.

Its likely there is something else going on and SIL isn't giving the full story- constipation/ impactation/ allergy related, IBS or perhaps another medical condition.

Constipation (especially if it's chronic or has led to impactation) can take months to treat. The fact SIL is asking discretely means it is possibly embarrassing for DN.

Same with allergy related bowel issues, it often entails keeping a food and stool diary.

Bladder and bowel service provision varies all over the country. Many GPs won't refer on to bladder and bowel service until a child turns 7. Even then, advice usually entails ruling out constipation, allergies and genetic factors (late toilet training history in the family) before any other investigations begin.

In terms of withholding or leaving it too late/ not going to strange toilets it's not that unusual. You only have to look at mumsnet to see just how many posters will not use public toilets or use toilets in other people's houses or go to the toilet whilst guests are visiting or not use their downstairs toilet because people are over. There are swathes of posters who will only go to their own toilets. Then there are the people who are completely unable to understand how to use public toilets and instead shit/ piss all over the place, perform incredible gymnastic feats, flush with their feet, smear their waste all over the walls and make elaborate nests out of toilet roll.

I would assume they have been to the GP about it, had any checks and have been told not to worry. They could refer to the school nurse for further advice, especially if it's something that happens at school too, but there may already be strategies in place that they didn't want to share with you (e.g. in school some children are reminded to go to the toilet every hour or so even if they say they don't need to).

My 9yo dose sometimes. If anything he's changing more now then when he was younger. Not because it's happing more, but because he's got to the age where he notices and doesn't want to walk round with skids, so will ask for a change of pants. A year ago I'd have been non the wiser until I did the laundry.

Wetting the bed at night is completely different because it depends on a hormone. 9 year olds pooing themselves in the day doesn't sound normal at all to me and I'm amazed people are saying it is.

I'd be worried that he's severely compacted and leaking around the edges which is why he doesn't know when he needs to go. If pooing himself twice in two days is considered an improvement then that's really concerning IMO. Not sure what you can do if SIL wants to brush it under the carpet though.

It's none of your business. At 9 years old, the child deserves privacy. The parents may be well aware of any potential causes and may have seen a doctor but are brushing off your comments out of respect for their child's privacy.

I would expect a 9 year old to be toilet trained.
If this is happening I suspect it's due to a medical reason or SN.

Point them at www.eric.org.uk

You don't know if they are getting professional advice or support, maybe she just didn't want to discuss it with you.

The medics won’t even consider investigating until the child is 7 (unless there are other major medical issues linked to it).

I’m an ex teacher and it’s actually fairly common, less so in the daytime but lots of kids wet the bed until really really late. There’s always at least one or two on any primary overnight trip and often into secondary as well.

even when the medics do get involved there isn’t always a lot that can be done - it’s a case of laxatives/disimpaction protocol or they advise to try to work out triggers in case of coeliac or food intolerances.

Is it???!! I don't think it's common at all. I've heard of kids wetting the bed at night at this age but not accidents in the daytime. I would have taken my son to the Dr years ago if he was still having accidents like this. Ultimately it is not ops child so nothing she can do about it.

You may find it runs in the family. Apparently in dp’s family, they all were v late to toilet train and lo and behold, his kids were incredibly late too (didn’t night time train till almost secondary school and still had day accidents quite late too). Apparently there is a strong genetic link so maybe this is why she isn’t overly concerned about it.