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A 9yr Old Shouldn’t have Toilet Accidents

57 replies

BeBlueCat · 18/02/2026 17:51

Dh’s sister and her family drove down and stayed with us last weekend. On the first evening, SIL discreetly asked me for a plastic bag and wipes for DN. It was obvious what had but I didn't say anything, thought it was a one off.
Next day we're at the park, kids run off to play. They come back and she pulls me aside saying he's had another accident and they need to pop to the loo to clean up. She looked embarrassed but seemed like was it was a routinely. I assumed he must have a medical condition.

I managed to ask her about it later and she was very blase. Said it happens when he's overexcited or if he "puts off going". I asked if they'd seen a GP or anyone about it and she just said "Oh no, he'll grow out of it” And that it had gotten better recently.

I was shocked. Surely a child having accidents at aged 9 is a huge red flag for medical attention? And If it happens at school? I can’t began to think how embarrassed he feel about the whole thing. I did want to say something more but didn’t in the end, not wanting to over step.

I think this is a really serious issue that needs proper attention, not a wait and see approach?

OP posts:
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Kirbert2 · 22/02/2026 01:14

mathanxiety · 22/02/2026 00:44

Agree.

There are a lot of people here with very weird ideas of what family relationships should consist of.

Or some people here have a child like OP's nephew and know just how frustrating and largely unhelpful advice is from well meaning family members.

Pryceosh1987 · 22/02/2026 01:10

Serious issues need to be addressed promptly.

FasterMichelin · 22/02/2026 01:00

Octavia64 · 18/02/2026 18:12

The medics won’t even consider investigating until the child is 7 (unless there are other major medical issues linked to it).

I’m an ex teacher and it’s actually fairly common, less so in the daytime but lots of kids wet the bed until really really late. There’s always at least one or two on any primary overnight trip and often into secondary as well.

even when the medics do get involved there isn’t always a lot that can be done - it’s a case of laxatives/disimpaction protocol or they advise to try to work out triggers in case of coeliac or food intolerances.

This is simply not true. My son has been on Desmopressin since 6 for night time urine accidents. There’s various medication and bed alarms available. My son now sees a paediatrician every 3-6 months.

Not all GPs or consultants dismiss it.

Dagda · 22/02/2026 00:49

In my experience this sounds like constipation but also apparently kids with ADHD often put off going to the loo.

but yes at 9, hopefully they are getting advice. It is worth saying something like oh my friends son is exactly like this and a GP was able to refer them on to services that completely changed everything.

Something casual and non judgmental.

mathanxiety · 22/02/2026 00:44

BeBlueCat · 20/02/2026 10:53

Maybe a misunderstanding, I said we we were seeing SIL for MIL birthday, I’m not going to involve MIL lol. Maybe she is aware of eric but if she isn’t she would appreciate my helping her. I don’t why so many people are suggesting it’s a private matter I shouldn’t talk to her about? He’s my nephew for crying out loud, and crapped himself on my sofa last weekend. I’m not ‘poking my nose in further’, I’m just worried for him!

Agree.

There are a lot of people here with very weird ideas of what family relationships should consist of.

mathanxiety · 22/02/2026 00:40

BeBlueCat · 18/02/2026 18:04

They were poo accidents, but DIL mentioned he does wet himself infrequently.
I know it’s common for boys to have skid marks even they are older, but properly soiling himself and needing changing seems like a completely different issue.

You are right.

He needs to be assessed by an OT, and his GP needs to be aware and working on this.

It will affect this boy horribly in school if this is allowed to continue.

It is not normal at all.

ThiagoJones · 21/02/2026 22:45

Maybe your SIL just doesn’t want to give you all of her son’s medical information? He’s entitled to some privacy.

Bewareofstepfords · 21/02/2026 22:40

Gnomer · 18/02/2026 18:38

Wetting the bed at night is completely different because it depends on a hormone. 9 year olds pooing themselves in the day doesn't sound normal at all to me and I'm amazed people are saying it is.

I'd be worried that he's severely compacted and leaking around the edges which is why he doesn't know when he needs to go. If pooing himself twice in two days is considered an improvement then that's really concerning IMO. Not sure what you can do if SIL wants to brush it under the carpet though.

Flatten down the lumps?

JustGiveMeReason · 21/02/2026 22:33

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 19:39

I’m sorry to hear about you DS problem. If your saying it was behaviourally caused I do assume he has SEN? I’ve never heard of someone still soiling themselves aged 11 without a direct medical cause.
My DN doesn’t have any SEN so the idea its happening because of laziness seems strange.

Just because you are ignorant about it, are you suggesting it doesn't happen ?

Has it not occurred to you that it isn't the sort of thing you wander around telling people about?
Not the sort of thing you might post about on Facebook?
Not the sort of thing you might get a mention in the school newsletter about ?

Hmm
budgiegirl · 20/02/2026 18:46

My DS had very occasional accidents when he was 9, he did grow out of it. But it didn't happen often, probably about twice at that age. It was fairly frequent at 7. It's not all that unusual.

then continuing to play like nothing is up. But this would worry me far more at age 9. I can't really imagine any 9 year old just carrying on doing whatever they were doing after soiling themselves - it sounds like he has very little self awareness.

Kirbert2 · 20/02/2026 17:04

BeBlueCat · 20/02/2026 10:53

Maybe a misunderstanding, I said we we were seeing SIL for MIL birthday, I’m not going to involve MIL lol. Maybe she is aware of eric but if she isn’t she would appreciate my helping her. I don’t why so many people are suggesting it’s a private matter I shouldn’t talk to her about? He’s my nephew for crying out loud, and crapped himself on my sofa last weekend. I’m not ‘poking my nose in further’, I’m just worried for him!

It's a private matter because it's a potential medical issue and SIL clearly didn't want to talk with you about it which is her choice. He's her son and you have to respect that.

BeBlueCat · 20/02/2026 10:53

Kirbert2 · 19/02/2026 20:04

Why do you think she wouldn't be already aware? If her son is 9 and having toilet accidents, she is likely very aware of ERIC.

If SIL is so happy to discuss it, why are you going to involve MIL?

Maybe a misunderstanding, I said we we were seeing SIL for MIL birthday, I’m not going to involve MIL lol. Maybe she is aware of eric but if she isn’t she would appreciate my helping her. I don’t why so many people are suggesting it’s a private matter I shouldn’t talk to her about? He’s my nephew for crying out loud, and crapped himself on my sofa last weekend. I’m not ‘poking my nose in further’, I’m just worried for him!

OP posts:
ScaryM0nster · 20/02/2026 08:06

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 19:28

Which is exactly what I was planning on and wanted to do as I said previously!

You said you were planning to ask her more about it. Aka poke your nose in further.

not offer potentially useful material with no expectation of a response.

ScaryM0nster · 20/02/2026 08:04

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 19:39

I’m sorry to hear about you DS problem. If your saying it was behaviourally caused I do assume he has SEN? I’ve never heard of someone still soiling themselves aged 11 without a direct medical cause.
My DN doesn’t have any SEN so the idea its happening because of laziness seems strange.

You seem to be failing to realise that soiling being ‘bad’ is a learned concept.

Take a step back - we think babies and toddlers soiling themselves is fine. At some point we try and teach them it isn’t. It doesn’t magically swap from being comfortable to uncomfortable, we teach them that it’s not good and that they shouldn’t choose to do that.

If you’ve routinely soiled your entire life, then you quite possibly havent associated the feeling with being bad / wrong / uncomfortable.

Most adults would say wetting is not ok and that sitting in wet pants is uncomfortable. Equally a lot of continent adult women chose to use pads or period pants and routinely sit with wetness in their underwear. When you take a step back, that’s not a materially different sensation to leaking wee.

Kirbert2 · 19/02/2026 20:04

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 19:33

Because I do worry for DN! Sil was happy to discuss his problem so there’s nothing for her to lie about. As i’ve said before saying it’s purely behavioural reflects a lot worse on him!
Just making SIL aware of some of the resources been mentioned on here such as ERIC, is something she appreciate without doubt

Why do you think she wouldn't be already aware? If her son is 9 and having toilet accidents, she is likely very aware of ERIC.

If SIL is so happy to discuss it, why are you going to involve MIL?

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 19:39

ForMellowGreyOrca · 18/02/2026 23:36

It’s obviously not ideal he is having accidents at 9, but as others have said, seeing a doctor doesn’t magically fix the issue.

My DS, who’s nearly 11, pooed himself for years after being potty trained. We tried laxatives at 8 for suspected constipation, but they made no difference to the accidents. After further tests, it turned out there was no underlying medical cause and his accidents were due to behaviour, avoiding stopping playing or being reluctant to go in public until it was too late.
We ditched the laxatives, introduced scheduled toilet breaks, and limited screen time He’s not 100% accident-free now, but he’s miles better at managing it, and taking himself off to change instead of ignoring it when it happens.

To suggest that your SIL isn’t taking it seriously just because she hasn’t pursued medical input yet feels unfair. From what you have described it sound does sound like your DN is similar to DS. It might just take time, patience, and a bit of trial and error to figure out what’s going on, something that SIL is probably doing. It’s really not uncommon for boys to have daytime accidents up until teenage years for many different reasons.

I’m sorry to hear about you DS problem. If your saying it was behaviourally caused I do assume he has SEN? I’ve never heard of someone still soiling themselves aged 11 without a direct medical cause.
My DN doesn’t have any SEN so the idea its happening because of laziness seems strange.

OP posts:
BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 19:33

Kirbert2 · 19/02/2026 19:06

Why do you need to ask more about? Just leave it alone.

She doesn't need to be 'honest' about anything. She likely just doesn't want to talk about it which is her right.

Because I do worry for DN! Sil was happy to discuss his problem so there’s nothing for her to lie about. As i’ve said before saying it’s purely behavioural reflects a lot worse on him!
Just making SIL aware of some of the resources been mentioned on here such as ERIC, is something she appreciate without doubt

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 19/02/2026 19:31

9 is actually the age they consider that a problem and that a child needs to be referred to see specialists

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 19:28

ScaryM0nster · 19/02/2026 18:44

Or a different approach, rather than poke your nose into another family’s personal matter and ask - you could share the suggestion of ERIC as potentially useful to them.

Which is exactly what I was planning on and wanted to do as I said previously!

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Kirbert2 · 19/02/2026 19:06

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 10:55

Yes exactly there’s no reason for her to not be honest about it. Not toilet trained aged 5? Bloody hell I really do feel for all primary school teachers out there. We are seeing SIL family next weekend for MIL birthday so think i’m angling towards asking her more about it.

Why do you need to ask more about? Just leave it alone.

She doesn't need to be 'honest' about anything. She likely just doesn't want to talk about it which is her right.

Ilovefoodandwine · 19/02/2026 18:55

I had no idea of this condition until my child started soiling. It can take a while to fix so possibly they are aware.

"Encopresis (soiling) is the involuntary leakage of stool, usually caused by chronic constipation, affecting about 1% of 5-year-olds in the UK. It often occurs when children, typically over age four, hold in stool due to pain, leading to overflow incontinence. Treatment in the UK involves laxatives, dietary changes, and behavioral"

frenchnoodle · 19/02/2026 18:55

My 8 year old still has occasional accidents, I think it's fairly normal.

Ninerainbows · 19/02/2026 18:51

I was like this at age 9. I didn't like going and ended up with a big lump in my abdomen of impacted faeces - basically was still "going" as loose stool, just not clearing it out. I needed various medications and scans (and it scared me out of it). Up to them but it's worth going to the Dr.

ScaryM0nster · 19/02/2026 18:44

Or a different approach, rather than poke your nose into another family’s personal matter and ask - you could share the suggestion of ERIC as potentially useful to them.

BeBlueCat · 19/02/2026 10:55

Pistachiocake · 18/02/2026 22:19

Yes, it surprises me how many people have said you're unreasonable. I know a lot of parents apparently think it's fine to let teachers toilet train them at age 5, according to other posts (obviously some children have medical needs or SEND, but it's very recent that the majority think it's ok for most children not to be dry), but I would be concerned, and there might well be medical issues, which if you're a close family, I would expect they'd have mentioned if they were already seeing a doctor.

Yes exactly there’s no reason for her to not be honest about it. Not toilet trained aged 5? Bloody hell I really do feel for all primary school teachers out there. We are seeing SIL family next weekend for MIL birthday so think i’m angling towards asking her more about it.

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