To find at-home play dates more stressful than fun because of the mess?

Just suck it up. It’s such a short period of your life

Try not to think about the mess and instead think how great it is for your children that they have friends and a nice house where they can play together. So good for your kids’ development and confidence to host and have their friends over 👍

Some mess is inevitable. But you can make it less overwhelming by having rules around crafts and food. We had a firm rule on eating at the table (or outside) and no crafts unless it was something specific. Consider putting half the toys away (I’d pile boxes in my own room which was strictly off limits). And the more outside time the better if you have a garden.

I always help tidy up before I leave a play date and my kids do too but when it’s at mine I just accept it will get messy. I took my son to a play date where they weren't allowed upstairs so they didn’t make a mess, there were barely any toys downstairs. My son just got on with it (thankfully) but the play date boy spent the whole time crying that they weren’t allowed upstairs. It was awkward as fuck and I left after 1.5 hours which is the earliest I felt we could extract ourselves! We made excuses of why we couldn’t go back. I’d rather deal with the mess than be that parent.

Same here, and it was actually DS who didn’t want him back.

And in fairness, the child had additional needs, so there were mitigating factors, but we met at the park after that..

Same. Then my kids were responsible for tidying up when they’d gone.
We've had a lot of play dates over the years though (3 kids) and only had 1 child who trashed the house. She was never invited back.

God, I just used to let them at it, within reason.

My children’s friends are taught our house rules from their first visit:

• Take shoes off and hang things up in hall on arrival.
• Sit at the table to eat a snack and dinner together, no helping yourself in my kitchen. If a friend gets up I calmly remind them that ‘we sit down when we are eating’, ‘we don’t wander off, come back and chat to your friends or you won’t get any dessert’, etc. They listen and copy my children, who know they are expected to sit at the table. I say no to random/constant food requests: ‘no not right now, we’ve had a snack and it will spoil our dinner. Go and play.’
• I put away previous Lego models and things in bedrooms that are previous in advance.
• Mine know it’s one box of toys out at a time in the living room, or one activity out on the dining room table, etc. That goes away before more comes out.

Just put less out, and when they ask for more say "sure, we can get the Legos but you need to pack away all the puzzle pieces first"

OP has mentioned the other mother being there . I wouldn't sit quietly while my kid trashed someone else's house . There is nothing wrong with giving guidance. But there is a part of just wanting them to leave so you can sort it out properly. I had some friends kids that you would hate to see coming . Worst offender though was my niece who every time she came took all the books off the shelves . Not worth bad feelings with my brother .

meet in soft plays, that's what they are for.

By the time you have bought snacks etc for guests, they're not even that much more expensive.

As above, there are children that are always welcome, and some you ban full stop because they are a nightmare. It's going to be the same as your children grow up.

6 yo should be more than old enough not to be feral and destroy the place when they are invited somewhere! Even 4 year old who are well behaved don't do that.

At that age, in your home, you absolutely get to tell both children what they can and cannot do. You can say no, you can say not until you’ve put the other things away, you can say come and sit at the table for drinks and snacks, you can have some organised activity time and some free play time. You are in charge.

This is what I was going to say.

I've always drummed it into my kids (as my parents did with us) that you don't leave someone's house without offering to tidy up.

Also, drum in expectations when they go to others’ houses (or they’ll not be invited back!) - in all seriousness they need to learn these skills. There are children I’ve avoided having round as much as I might sometimes as they’re such hard work.

You must set rules and expectations early as they take no notice by age 10-12

Home play dates in the summer can be easier as you can dole out bubbles and outside things.

meet in museums, local soft play and park in winter

also, I found certain visiting children were more careful than others. A couple I remember got over excited and would throw toys etc. it’s a reason to keep play dates going so they learn how to play but they must be supervised and short, some times easier at this age if parents are there.

by around 7-8 they’re much calmer and sensible

You and kids decide what toys to get out before hand - no additions to be added.
You tell your kids no going upstairs. Tell the play date kids no going upstairs.
Shout them down if they go up.
Say no if asked for XYZ as ABC is on offer.
About 15 mins before they are going announce tidy up time.

Your house being trashed doesn't make you the cool mum it makes you the mug mum. Kids will do shit at your house they wouldn't dream of anywhere else if you let them.

My eldest had a friend who I stopped inviting as he would never help tidy up.

You can discuss in advance with your kids which toys they’ll want to share, reminding them that they’ll need to tidy if more is out.

When it’s nearly hometime, clap your hands to get their attention and say something like “my goodness, time has flown! It’s nearly hometime! Time to tidy!” And jolly them into doing it then.

Oh yeah, definitely no food away from the table. My kids have that rule anyway so I wouldn’t be loosening it when they have feral friends round!

You have to train up your DC first. When they know the rules then you can have friends over. Explain that having a friend over is reliant on them following the rules.

Only invite one friend at a time.

Have a few clear rules that you explain upfront and follow up on.

Look into alternative toy storage that makes tidying up as easy as possible.

I do find my house gets much more trashed by other children who just don’t play with toys as nicely as mine so indefinitely get your frustration. But at 4 &6 there’s lots of rules you can enforce. One thing at a time, if they’re doing art they need to tidy up before Lego, no making a mess of bedrooms, no food anywhere but the table etc

My kids know that when they have friends round they have to tidy up after they’ve gone. That makes them a bit more restrained when getting stuff out, plus they learn to tidy up after themselves.

Why does stopping children breaking their toys, cutting up random things with scissors and spreading crumbs everywhere mean you children would feel they can’t bring their friends to your home?
Surely those are just normal rules you have day to day with your DC anyway?

I think you’re overthinking this. To stop them dragging everything out you just cheerfully say something like “let’s tidy this away before you take out something else so we have space to play”. Or “let’s put everything away before snack. Who can pick up the most Lego?”. Or “we’re just playing in here today, we don’t need to go upstairs”. You tell your kids where & how play is happening before their guests come. We have lots of play dates here with return visitors. It’s fine to do this, doesn’t mean it’s not fun. They’re used to tidying up at school.

You decide which toys and which room can be used for the play date. If your child goes to another room or to get something else, you tell them that’s not in use today and redirect them back to the toys they can play with.