To end my marriage tomorrow

I have been following this thread and I have to say, OP, you sound lovely and your H sounds utterly dreadful. What a selfish, selfish man. Your kids are very lucky to have YOU in their corner.

I understand your financial fears – it's a massive leap into the unknown – but do your research, make yourself as secure as you can, then go for it, and have faith in the future. I left my ex when my children were tiny and I was terrified for months in advance. But that was 20 years ago and I still wake up in the morning sometimes and think, thank God I left him. It was the best decision I've ever made.

I’m thinking he has checked out for sure and possibly an affair of some sort

Get the hell out of this marriage. He's horrible and very, very soon you'll become his carer too.

Get this nasty, selfish man out and your son's lovely friends can be round instead.

How dare he complain about the friends' impact on the food bill when he's hiding an extra £2k a month somewhere.

On the work side, it could be an affair, but it is equally plausible that he's transferred his addictive tendencies into becoming a workaholic instead.

Seen your updates @Shedding123. Wanted to send you a virtual hug 💐.

You sound such a wonderful mum and reasonable person. You deserve so much more support. Being a loving carer is such exhausting work.

Make sure you ask for as much support as you can IRL from elsewhere: family, friends, neighbours etc.

Has he ever asked how you feel? Frankly reading this I see you're the one doing all the work and you are the one who is actually neglected. You have no support, only demands on your time and energy.

He has an extra secret £2k a month and yet you were forced to take a loan to pay for your DD’s medical expenses? I’m so glad you’re starting to find your anger. Nail that fucker to the wall.

Are you tired from pretzeling yourself for hours trying to defend this indefensible old creep?

This prince who deliberately created 2 children in his late 50s and early 60s with his alcohol- and age-damaged sperm, who now openly resents and despises those children, who shouts at his 9 yo disabled child to the point the child is shaking with fear, who constantly imposes his moods and lability on the whole family and makes everyone tense, who abuses his wife verbally and emotionally, who is a sex pest, who won't pay for a treatment that eases his disabled child's symptoms, who is CLEARLY hiding money and god knows what else from his wife, and who is almost certainly back to the drink.

You've come up with every reason in the book to excuse him: you've claimed his 9 yo CHILD "made" him shout because she's "manipulative"; that OP "indulges" her disabled child - who needs assistance FOUR times a night to breath FFS; that OP is prioritising her DISABLED children over him, a healthy adult man; that in fact OP is selfishly prioritising her children because "it makes her feel better, not because her daughter needs her to"; that OP must have done something to make her unstable alcoholic H threaten to retire if she divorced him; that OP was financially abusive to her H for choosing to pay for a medical treatment that makes life easier for THEIR child.

It's a marvellous example of reflexive misogynistic thinking. This shows how some people will twist themselves into knots - to the point of complete irrationality - in defense of selfish angry men who not only don't control themselves or take accountability for their behaviour but also think they are JUSTIFIED in behaving vilely.

And your misogny was also on display when you said to @ThatCyanCat, in response to her well-reasoned rebuttal of your pretzeling and trying to blame OP for this loser's behavior:

"your post is just bonkers ranting"

Are you actually capable of seeing your misogyny?

Oh you are amazing. You're doing an amazing job for your children. My kids live with ADHD/ASD and it's mainly the social, emotional, behaviour side of it and they're hard work quite often but the scale of the needs you are taking care of us huge and if course you'd do it. Any decent parent would.

You will be so better off without him as the environment will feel calmer and the children will feel that. You do everything anyway without his help, you're already on your own in a way.

I truly feel that you are going to be ok.
Just one day at a time as you're doing, plan and don't take any of his shit.
999 if needed (I don't mean to scare you).

Addicts are always addicts.
I live with one.
I guess I am one myself but I choose to be clean for my children because I am the best parent for them. I'll never put myself in a situation because I wanted to get high over them. NEVER.

Sending you so much love and comfort and strength xx

He might of paid up the difference while in work, hopefully he did,
And yes his state pension age is 66, and his nhs pension would be good even though he's only put in 15 years but due to banding he looks like he would be paying fair bit into it, so between both pensions he has a nice monthly income, on top of a lump sum from nhs pension, op definitely needs looking into this as she would be entitled to his nhs pension, if he hasn't already cash it in,

That’s the most practical response. I am alarmed to see how many men seem to behave atrociously. No doubt I have. I’m lucky my wives were kind enough not to point it out to me.

You deserve so much more and you are young. Don't waste anymore time.
My daughter said to me, I always felt weird knowing that you and Dad weren't like normal parents and she said she could sense and feel the change in me as soon as he came home.
She felt awkward bringing her friends home because he wasn't nice.
She said...
You should have left him when I was little or as soon as you could....

The more I read the more familiar this sounds. My daughters Dad was 12 years older than me. He mentally and financially abused me. While I was fending bailiffs off, he was in the pub being the big I am to anyone that would listen when he was nothing.
He tied me in so badly that I couldn't think how to get out. It was when my daughter was in the last stages of her chemo when I just couldn't carry on
His money was late to pay bills without explanation, he fat shamed my daughter becsdud of the treatment just a horrible man.
When I ended it he tried to strangle me. He then took anything I owned and sold it or moved it. My car keys went missing he took that away so I had to borrow cars to get my daughter to chemo.
Went through all that and ended up with someone worse (see my post about ex on chat sites).
It's when it's written down that you think My God!!

Think about what you've been through already, you've wasted time with a narcasssit who has mentally abused you, don't be afraid. Im now 54 and I've got nothing but I'm thankful every day that I left that pig.

You can do this.. you deserve better xx

Sorry, I'm no expert so I don't know. but hopefully someone on here will .. but we don't know how many years contributions he has or if he's been able to make payments in to boost missing contributions.

Him saying everything to do with home is "boring" just makes him sound like an spoilt brat. I'm actually imagining him saying it like Rik from the Young Ones.

What's his hobby. He's unusually dedicated to it that he's out twice a week. And I don't believe he's working an extra hour gratis every day in an NHS job if I remember that's what was written

Would he get the full OAP? Doesn't it depend on how many years you've contributed?