To end my marriage tomorrow

So she's not to blame, per se, but literally everything is her fault and her mistake, and he should be allowed to marry a woman 30 years lyounger, have kids when he's much too old for it, and it's all on her because "she knew", like he didn't.

Together with the posters on here agreeing that everyone in a family except the angry old man is responsible for his choices and behaviour, children being called "manipulative", women being accused of being insane and irrational for rebutting people, and one person even telling me I was not "entitled" to draw an independent conclusion about his post and contradict him, and it seems we have a lot of people here who really, really want horrid men to do whatever they want while much younger wives and even disabled children take all the blame. I wonder why that is.

@thepariscrimefiles I don't think she's to blame per se. But I do think she's unreasonable. He's an OAP and she expects him to act like a man 20 years younger. But her mistakes aren't necessarily now. They were having a family with a man she knew would be elderly while they were raising their children.

She's basically reaping what she sowed unfortunately. Old man. Old sperm. Disabilities because of this. Wanting him to step up at a time of him moving into senility and the last decade of his life. It just isn't possible/going to happen.

Why do you regret getting away from this horrible man about whom you have nothing good to say?

JFC how on earth have you managed to read OP's posts and come to the conclusion that OP is as much to blame as her DH and that she should apologise to him? You have also suggested that OP is a bad parent too. Do you have any evidence to back up that claim? He screamed at his kids because he was angry that OP (somewhat sarcastically) asked if he intended to help her with his own kids. OP has admitted that she shouldn't have been sarcastic.

OP working on the relationship would just mean that OP never expects any practical or emotional support from her DH and has sex with him whenever he wants.

As well as being an indifferent and neglectful father, he is also financially abusive.

OP doesn't need to change who she is. She sounds like a great mum in really difficult circumstances and she has plenty of self-awareness, unlike her utter cunt of a husband.

Take your time, don't rush. Act normal, don't ask him about the money or anything out of the ordinary. If he's saving the money this might tip him off to hide it etc. Get your ducks in a row. Let him suspect nothing until you have legal advice and things in place. He's more likely to become nasty and aggressive if he thinks things are ending.

This is from someone who did not follow this advice, waited too long and was too scared/ in denial to get things in place and was left with nothing.

Hope you're doing ok.

It's very bad advice to suggest that she changes the locks etc. If they both have an interest in the property whether as joint owners or tenants neither party can do this. A court order would be required to effect that. If you thought about it logically, he could do that if you think just changing the locks etc was legal.

So I just saw the medical expenses was for DD, so that's a household expense then, not your personal debt OP. Not in a divorce.

£2250/month on fuck knows what? That doesn't sound like an affair that sounds like prostitutes/escorts or maybe a second family. I'm not convinced he's at work eves/weekends or that it's a hobby trip/holiday he's taking each year.

He so obviously hates women/girls too. He just likes the things they do - housework, sex and childcare. And the second income they provide now we're all supposedly equal...

Speak to women's aid about how to go about splitting. You could be someone who either needs to have him removed from the house (but that might mean waiting until he's actually been obviously violent towards you) or leaving yourself with the kids and telling him by text after you've gone. He sounds unstable, under the influence and potentially dangerous. I wouldn't fancy telling him his maid service, old age carer and income support is making herself unavailable for the foreseeable future. And that he'll have to pay child support unless he looks after his own kids. That's going to go down like a lead balloon, I wouldn't want to be in the same building as him at the time.

It was my first thought too. For the same reasons.

He's checked out of the marriage because he's got disabled kids. OP not meeting his needs means he wants more sex and for her to run round after him not the children. Men with this mentality make shit fathers.

I'm guessing the unagreed medical expenses OP has could be for IVF and he never really wanted kids in the first place, but like the coward most bullies are he wouldn't say it because then she'd leave him.

Are you sure it's really low alcohol wine he's drinking and not that he's replaced it with the real thing and is just reusing the same cover bottles?

Also, even 0% alcohol, or alcohol free isn't completely alcohol free. There are small amounts of alcohol in all of them, so drinking that much a day.. if it really is the proper alcohol free stuff, would mean he could still be getting a buzz from it.

My ex had an affair because I was taken up all the time with a premature baby that needed feeding every two hours and then developed three month colic whilst at the same time the episiotomy that I had was stitched crookedly and got infected do we could not have sex immediately after I came home. He was jealous of all the attention I gave our son which had normally been given to him. He started an affair with a friend of my ne. I asked for an immediate divorce which I regret. Most men are nothing more than big, and often dangerous, children who need attention and if they do not get it they selfishly go elsewhere to get it.I feel that you cannot give up on the marriage as you need it financially and practically and the children need a father around. You need to let him know that you understand that he is exhausted with the situation but so are you. If he is missing the old you pre kids day then let his know you miss the old him too. In the meantime say you need his help. Can you both get away for a night and get a carer in for the children? When have you ever been able to have some “we” time”Any nearby relatives who could sit in for a day or two? Let you both go somewhere to relax? Would this help perhaps?

As you appear to be the primary carer of your children, you would probably be allowed to stay in your current home until the youngest child is 18. He could move out and leave the three of you in situ. He could then find a place for himself and have reasonable access to the children. Please seek advice from a solicitor.

Phew. That's a relief

@Shedding123 this sounds awful situation for you and your kids
Have you any family that you could go live with.
Is your daughters health problems caused by his drinking in his youth maybe that is what annoys him that he is the reason the child has the problems.
I would have left when he wouldn't contribute to the medical bills

He's drinking 3 or 4 bottles a night?

That won't be 0%. You just wouldn't drink that volume of 0% wine. He must be swapping the bottles out.

So that explains where the money is going. 3 to 4 bottles a night has got to be £20 or £30 a night 😲 . Could easily add up to £1000 a month!

Are you in the UK? Your benefit income will be as a single parent with 2 children. Carer's allowance for your DD. Priority for housing, but how about showing him the door, change the locks and put his clothes into cases outside. You can stay and force him to pay mortgage if you have one, and they will foreclose if he does not pay, and your eviction will trigger housing paid for. File for legal separation first citing his abuse in front of the children.
Stop doing anything for him - no cooking, washing etc unless he decides to shoulder his responsibilities.
Get help with your DD - you cannot survive on no sleep

Throw HIM out

It doesn’t excuse him, but there’s not many 68 year olds that would want to be looking after children full time, it’s more of a Grandparent age than a Father’s. Most 68 year olds would rather be reading a book than responsible for youngsters. What on earth was he thinking having kids at 55 and 59 years old, he must of known what it would entail.

I can’t see your situation getting any better until your kids are adult tbh. Your DH seems to want to retire from ALL work, he told you as much ‘if you leave he’ll retire’. He possibly wants you to leave with the kids but hasn’t the guts to walk out himself.

Grade A arsehole.

He sleeps eight hours a night, whilst his wife gets woken 4 times a night.

Then he whines that he's not getting enough sex.

Fuck that shit.

The fact that people are STILL going 'but there's two sides to every story' when he sleeps like a bloody king, says it all.

HE DOESN'T CARE FOR THE CHILDREN. She does all the care. ALL of it. Have you read the OP's posts?

Fuck me, the lack of reading comprehension from some people honestly floors me.

Am i the only one thinking he’s having an affair?

the fitness, the long hours, disparaging during the weekends, gaslighting, arguments, secret cash are just few classics

I’ve read all the ops posts and it just makes my blood boil that her husband is such a terrible waste of space. He’s an awful human being so it wouldn’t surprise me if he was shagging someone on the side.