To end my marriage tomorrow

Yes. DH and I manage to mainly sleep in the same room despite our son needing night time care, but that’s because we share the care. If it was just me doing it, I’d definitely be sleeping in DS’s room with him.

The op also said it’s because her daughter’s oxygen alarms go off 3/4 times a night. Being able to quickly check her to sort things, rather than changing rooms countless times a night makes a lot of sense.

Maybe. It it wasn’t just her having to get up in the night, and this poor husband you’ve concocted helped, then it wouldn’t be so bad.

This!

I read that it was HE who wanted the second child. A man of 55 when first was born is delusional enough to think he is young enough, and he was 59 and looks like fit. What nobody signs up for is not expecting healthy independent children. 68 and looking after himself is fine to parent - he is just selfish in not standing up when they turned out to be more work than he expected.

They do. I only know one person who drinks an AF bottle a night but they're early days in their recovery.

Because her husband is financially abusing her

They're not all sweet but they're a poor substitute for real wine. I don't believe anyone would drink 3 or 4 bottles on their own. There's loads of much nicer non alcohol options if you're thirsty.

Don't most people drink them at social events when they can’t or don't want to have alcohol just to fit in?

As an ex alcoholic I can tell you it's on old trick to fill bottles with water (to look like you haven't drunk it) so filling 0% booze with the real McCoy would be easy. I doubt many people would drink 3-4 bottles of af wine, it's too sweet.

Along with the unpleasantly even more likely chance that she will spend the last 5 years or so of his life being his carer ☹️

@Shedding123 don't worry about posts like the one from @Hertiness . Of course some of your behaviours (both recent and historically) have contributed to the situation you find yourself in now.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

A relationship isn't a balance sheet.

It's tempting, I know, to think "oh if I hadn't done this he might not have done that" ... but that won't help you in this situation. What matters is whether or not the relationship has become intolerable - and only you know that.

I agree with you. This is not just one outburst, this is him saying she had put on too much weight after having his child a decade ago, having digs about his "needs" (come on, we all know what that means) and generally giving the impression he hates and resents the OP. This is just the first time he has aimed it at the kids. If he does retire and is already bored for small pockets at home what will it be like when he is at home all week?

As for him dying to solve the problem - if he lives to age 80 which is not uncommon their daughter will be 21. That's her entire childhood gone.

If I am honest I think it's moot because the more I read the more I think he has relapsed which would be the end for me.

Obviously that's not funny but I did give a bit of a harsh laugh...

Still, there's something so nasty and plain ignorant about all these people who think women as a class are so thick and shallow that they just ditch husbands and split families on a whim because of one tiff in an otherwise solid and loving and happy marriage. (It happens on lots of threads, not just this one.)

When a couple split, apparently out of the blue, it was never just that one thing. How many threads do we get on here by someone who seems to be upset over one thing but the more they talk, the clearer it becomes that it's actually symptomatic of a much wider, deeper and more serious situation?

It probably has a connection to a mindset that thinks it doesn't have to engage with anything a woman says if she's not pleasing because it's totally reasonable just to dismiss it as insanity or hysteria or entitlement.

My ex far shamed my daughter when she was going through chemo. He did nothing, we were on our own. I left him just before the chemo ended. Couldn't take anymore, I'd had 19 years of it. My daughter said why didn't you leave him sooner? The children will be affected by the atmosphere and probably happier out of it where they can be themselves

‘Reproducing as a man who is almost 60 is wrong’

I'm not sure where ' there is' Overnight breaks are a high end service usually with a location attached- - but have you seen the assessment of their needs by a social.worket and had any discussion with from your local.disabled children team of a direct payment to pay a Personal Assistant, or offered care workers who might build a relationship and be able to help bring one or other out on short trips?.Whatever works for them?
It may be a bit tangential.but this is a way for you to have some space and share the work.
You are also entitled to a carers assessment of your role and needs as a carer and that might be quite a helpful document for you .

I think you might need a forensic accountant @Shedding123 , unless anyone else has knowledge of how to find hidden monies within a marriage.

Reading some of these defences of the OP’s husband like 😦, what is wrong with some of you!?

She's got a somewhat likely chance that at some point he's going to die due to his age. In which case the issue will be solved.

I am the first person to be down on men. But honestly. Reproducing with a man who is almost 60? That is my age now. It's wrong.

All the people here advising the OP to skip away almost & grab money don’t have to live with the consequence.

There are two high needs kids here. One very high needs.

DH clearly isn’t dad of the year but he does provide an income, and keep the house clean. And as the kids get older he is physically in the house with the kids should OP need to go out. And she has to factor in if he does pass away in the next 10-15 years is she better off married to him or not financially.

These kids may well be with the OP for years and they need to be paid for and provided for. On a clinical level the OP needs to work out whether she’s better off married or not.

On an emotional level, if they were in love 10 years ago maybe it’s possible to get it back with input from both.

If his outbursts were to become regular thing that would be different obviously.

BTW, the homeless legislation has always said that a local authority does not have to house a person if s/he has the means to financially provide housing for themselves. So whether by means of purchase with or without a mortgage, or by means of private rent. There is no guarantee that the local authority would house her.

Indeed. What an odd post.

Priority for housing

They're mortgage free.

change the locks

That's illegal. He owns half the house and it is classed as abuse.

You can stay and force him to pay mortgage if you have one, and they will foreclose if he does not pay, and your eviction will trigger housing paid for.

There is no mortgage, but if there was that would leave the OP completely destitute. Is that good advice compared to leaving and applying for a council or housing association house (which she and the kids would probably get as a priority) and then selling the house?

File for legal separation first citing his abuse in front of the children.

One isolated, non-violent marital argument doesn't really constitute 'abuse in front of the children'.

We also seem to have this army of people who think women en masse just skip away without thought from happy, stable marriages based on one row. It's so plain and clear and well established that they're much, much more likely to stay for years or forever in a miserable marriage with an arsehole, even if it's abusive, that one has to wonder where they got such a distorted idea of the actual trends.

Let’s judge his parenting then.

100% checked out - emotionally and practically from his two children. Not physically available by active choice every evening, chooses not to eat with them, chooses to sit in another room, is out socially, has demanding hobby which he prioritises over family time, takes chunks of weekends away from the family. Intentionally and visibly doesn’t co-parent. Deprives the family of family money.

All of that is neglect.

Why would anyone want to inflict that on their children.

Then he openly verbally violently attacked their DM. NSPCC declare a child witnessing DA is experiencing DA.

But that’s not enough he has to go on to rage and rant at his disabled little girl and personally degrade and annihilate her character with his emotionally violent tirade.

We are now in emotional abuse territory alongside the neglect of children.

If he marriage was a romantic bed of roses she would be negligent and therefore complicit in child abuse to leave her child exposed to this man.

and you definitely will have half of his pension

I'm not a lawyer, but i think the OP would only be able to claim half the pension that's accrued since they had kids, but he'd also be entitled to half her pension that's accrued during that time. Given their wage disparities, she'd end up getting some money, but I doubt it's going to be a huge payment.

Yes, I did inc the one where she said he’s tired and that the kids have been a lot. And that’s now when he doesn’t care for the kids?

The man exploded & some of the stuff he said was awful, but you can all encourage the OP to walk away from her marriage & just go back to your lives. It may be in her best interests to try to mend it. Only she can decide that.

Clearly the OP is exhausted and needs more help. Leaving him may result in her being even more alone with two very high needs kids. That is the thing I’d be most concerned about.