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AIBU?

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Original poster

To end my marriage tomorrow

733 replies

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:27

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here.
DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples).
we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr
dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually
had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult
conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:00

wrongthinker · 17/02/2026 21:58

What do you mean, £25k of medical expenses he didn't agree to? I assume this was for your daughter? So he's always been an absolute dick?

OP, he sounds like a horrible bully. You are still young, you have a good life ahead of you, even if things might be tough for a while. Talk to a solicitor, get all your ducks in a row, and don't let him frighten you with threats about how life's going to be. He doesn't get to dictate that. Get a good lawyer and get the ball rolling.

You and your kids deserve better.

Yes exactly. It was for a private treatment and he disagreed so I took the loan out in my name and pay it off monthly on a 5 year plan. He has always been very angry about her condition for some reason.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 17/02/2026 21:59

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:52

house is complicated. Prob worth £320k, no mortgage. No savings. £25k debt on medical expenses he didn’t agree to so all in my name, being paid off from my account. I technically own 60% of the house but aware a court would first look at 2 homes the kids could safely live in. He earns 58k, I earn £29k. He wants to retire, I’m aware a court would be mindful he is unlikely to get a mortgage.

Could your DD live between homes on oxygen? Will equipment be provided for 2 homes? Do you feel confident he could appropriately care for the DC alone overnight if you do all childcare? It may be that the court see it to be in the child's best interests to remain in the family home with you if you divorce.

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:59

mumofoneAloneandwell · 17/02/2026 21:56

Girl, kindly, this man is an OAP.

just because you’re 68, doesn’t mean you’re past it, but this man is. He wants to retire and is tired.

I would see if he would let you have the house, or provide a home for you and then agree to separate. I am sure that he won’t be involved in the care so you’ll be doing it all, which is why it’s best to sort out finances first.

by the sounds of it, if you have 25k worth of medical debt in your name, as he refused to be involved, you’ll have to fight.

but the upside is, you won’t have to care for him as he gets old. Sounds like he wanted a younger woman but not what comes with it, which is a family and a life.

best of luck girl - I think that just having clarity on your life so you can move forward x

i don’t think he will agree to Anything, tonight has shown me how furious he is with me

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 17/02/2026 21:58

What do you mean, £25k of medical expenses he didn't agree to? I assume this was for your daughter? So he's always been an absolute dick?

OP, he sounds like a horrible bully. You are still young, you have a good life ahead of you, even if things might be tough for a while. Talk to a solicitor, get all your ducks in a row, and don't let him frighten you with threats about how life's going to be. He doesn't get to dictate that. Get a good lawyer and get the ball rolling.

You and your kids deserve better.

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:57

AlohaRose · 17/02/2026 21:56

Do you have any idea what his pension would be if he does carry out his threat to retire? Apart from his state pension, presumably he has a private pension as well? To be honest, at 68, he may well not be physically able to continue working for much longer but with two dependent children will still be expected to contribute a reasonable amount so he needn't think he can disappear with his full pension.

It’s all so messy. He was out of work for a long time in 20-30’s but has around 7 years teaching pension and maybe 15 years nhs pension?

OP posts:
SkyWalrus · 17/02/2026 21:57

Is there any way you can get some more support with caring for your children? Just wondering if that might alleviate a little of the stress you are both experiencing. I’m not defending him but you must both be under a great deal of pressure.

LittleLapwing · 17/02/2026 21:57

You sound amazing.

In your shoes, I would get through this holiday then go see a solicitor. Keep the peace for your kids through the holiday.

You don’t deserve this.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 17/02/2026 21:56

Girl, kindly, this man is an OAP.

just because you’re 68, doesn’t mean you’re past it, but this man is. He wants to retire and is tired.

I would see if he would let you have the house, or provide a home for you and then agree to separate. I am sure that he won’t be involved in the care so you’ll be doing it all, which is why it’s best to sort out finances first.

by the sounds of it, if you have 25k worth of medical debt in your name, as he refused to be involved, you’ll have to fight.

but the upside is, you won’t have to care for him as he gets old. Sounds like he wanted a younger woman but not what comes with it, which is a family and a life.

best of luck girl - I think that just having clarity on your life so you can move forward x

AlohaRose · 17/02/2026 21:56

Do you have any idea what his pension would be if he does carry out his threat to retire? Apart from his state pension, presumably he has a private pension as well? To be honest, at 68, he may well not be physically able to continue working for much longer but with two dependent children will still be expected to contribute a reasonable amount so he needn't think he can disappear with his full pension.

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:55

I’m sad as when he’s in a good mood we all have a good time together. But that happens less and less often now. He pulls his weight around House in terms of housework but mainly because he hates mess. I do all the kids care.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:52

mumofoneAloneandwell · 17/02/2026 21:46

He is 68

how old are you?

41

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:52

house is complicated. Prob worth £320k, no mortgage. No savings. £25k debt on medical expenses he didn’t agree to so all in my name, being paid off from my account. I technically own 60% of the house but aware a court would first look at 2 homes the kids could safely live in. He earns 58k, I earn £29k. He wants to retire, I’m aware a court would be mindful he is unlikely to get a mortgage.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 17/02/2026 21:52

He will probably just get worse as he gets older. Potentially will be another person for you to care for too. Besides from finances, which aren't all that reliable as he is already past retirement age, what does he bring to the family? Does he do care for the children and household chores? You could find your caring role is less stressful if you don't have to deal with stress he brings.

2026Y · 17/02/2026 21:51

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:45

I do think over the last while he has felt more tired, the care needs of the kids are a lot. He’s been snappier and more defensive the past few months and spending more time on his own. Mess around house annoys him etc but it’s part and parcel of kids with additional needs.

I imagine you’ve felt tired too? It’s perfectly reasonable for him to feel overwhelmed or even miserable but to take it out on you and the kids, in the manner he did is unacceptable.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 17/02/2026 21:50

How awful for you and your kids.
id be phoning the police he’s verbally assaulted you and frightened your daughter and probably you
they’ll take him away and it’ll give you some breathing space.
id leave in this situation- you’ll get some universal credit and it’ll all work out ok 👌 I’d rather be poor than live like that.
im so sorry this has happened, especially on holiday - he sounds dreadful.

ThatCyanCat · 17/02/2026 21:49

You must be a lot younger than he is. That alone isn't necessarily an issue but I think there might be a reason a man like him didn't want a woman who equalled him in life experience.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 17/02/2026 21:46

He is 68

how old are you?

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:45

I do think over the last while he has felt more tired, the care needs of the kids are a lot. He’s been snappier and more defensive the past few months and spending more time on his own. Mess around house annoys him etc but it’s part and parcel of kids with additional needs.

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 17/02/2026 21:44

Awful man. Speak to a solicitor at the first opportunity.

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:42

He has been angry for a while now, that was clear but to show it in front of them feels too much. I literally don’t know how it will work, we already struggle financially and we have co-parented as such not badly the last couple of years so to try and manage that across 2
households feels impossible. But I can’t have them growing up thinking this is what a marriage looks like.

OP posts:
Jeschara · 17/02/2026 21:41

I am so sorry to read this, it's only my personal opinion but I think he has checked out.
It does show me though what a nasty person he is. He states he will retire if you leave him. Does he have a occupational pension, as you would be entitled to some of that. Also is the house mortgaged, owned, with your name on the deeds.
You say he is 68, is he alot older than you and finding things very difficult. I am not sticking up for him, I think he is alful, but could he be very tired, and saying things like thus because he is fatigued.
I hope this gets sorted one way or another for the sake of the children and yourself.

JennyForeigner · 17/02/2026 21:40

He sounds truly nasty: bullying, small and ugly minded. I think unfortunately, you can't be responsible for his decisions. As someone who grew up in horrible environments in the home, you can only do what is right for you and your children. I promise you they will understand. If you leave and he retires rather than support his disabled kids, then he will have a lonely, shit and embittered old age. You might struggle for money, but you wouldn't have to share it with him though.

FWIW if he's 68 he'll be retiring soon anyway. What will the next couple of years cost you, against the price you would pay staying with him for the next twenty years?

Original poster
Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 21:38

Daughter is 9. Son is 13. I knew he was angry in general but this just rocked me to the core, he just wouldn’t stop in front of them. Awful things like “you disrespect me like your mother does” to our daughter who was sitting shaking😥

OP posts:
Theonlywayicanloveyou · 17/02/2026 21:38

How old are your kids? He still has to pay CM if he’s on a pension.

VioletBees · 17/02/2026 21:37

OP it sounds like the situation with your kids ill health has pushed tensions high. Its not easy being parents, let alone to children with MH problems and a disability. Before you chuck the towel in, think about whether you could actually resolve this with some marriage counselling. Is it possible managing your children's health will get easier as they get older?

If he leaves - you'll have to pay for 2 households between you AND you'll be lumped with lion share of all caring. Is that really what you want?? Is he always so fucking useless or is he just having a bad moment tonight.

Youre about to get 700 posters telling you to leave the bastard - but they are not facing the actual reality of doing that - so take it with a level head.