To end my marriage tomorrow

He probably hates you and your DD because in his head, he thought having a picture perfect young family would make good the years he wasted as an addict. In reality, it’s just more of a hard grind.

It’s easier to hate you and DD than for him to take responsibility for how his own life panned out.

So he was a father for the second time at 58?

Very helpful. 🙄

You got together with a man in his 50s when you were in your 20s?!
Sack him off or you’ll end up caring for 3:people, not just two. He sounds awful.
If you’re UK based, there’s a generous social welfare system in place to help people in your situation, so don’t let finances keep you trapped with this OAP.

Are you certain he hasn't relapsed into whatever he was addicted to? I assume alcohol but possibly drugs?

But the thing is, you should be able to ask him for help. My husband and I get irate at each other, and we don't always speak to each other in the best way. But if I ask for help, he helps. If he asks me for help, I help. And neither of us would ever swear at our kids.

Don't let his voice in your head twist this into being partly your fault for not asking nicely enough!

Do what's best for you and your children op .
He will likely be causing more stress to you as you are concerned about his reactions as well as looking after your kids .
Start the process of being pro active and looking into how things are going to look for you financially .
I remember feeling as light as a feather once I ended a bad relationship xx

He was far too old to have kids in the first place. My dad was 50 when I was born and pretty fit all through his 50s and 60s and it was still too old. Them poor kids with a disinterested father who is also probably going to die before they reach their 20s. How selfish.

OP, do you have any idea what he was doing/claiming in all these years (decades?) when he was addicted and not working? if he was claiming unemployment benefit that would count towards his state pension at least but he sounds like he wasn't capable of (and therefore not looking for?) work.

You can probably stay in your home considering your children's medical needs.
It would be sold when the 9 yr old is 18.

OR you will both have to downsize but you will most likely be awarded more than 50% of assets- maybe a 70-30 split.

Absolutely this. Don’t back down op. He’s a fucking wanker

Sadly he is too old to manage all of this. I'm sure he did want a family but couldn't see how it would feel at 68. He is of an age to be retired with free time and a slower pace of life which he may be seeing his friends enjoy? It doesn't help solve the problem but I'm not surprised. I think you need to start to organise your life on your own as he cannot be relied on and isn't helping your mental health either. Look out for yourself and your children.

See a family lawyer and discuss how the money would work.

I think he will get a shock.

He will have to pay maintenance till the children are 18.
You may be allowed to stay in the family home and he will have to rent or take out another loan.

If you divorce, his pension will be taken into account as his assets and he may have to give you a lump sum or part of his annual pension.
He will be getting the state pension now anyway at 68.

How old are kids op ?
Having kids with additional needs is never easy ,,what do you want to do ,,do you think you would both be better parents apart ?

Depends what he’s claimed by way of benefits between jobs. Some benefits include full NI contributions.

I’m not defending him at all, he sounds vile. But I think he also probably needed/needs therapy to deal with you children’s health issues. The life he clearly thought he was getting into hasn’t happened and he’s taking that out on you and the children.

It’s probably too late to save your marriage, this is a huge age gap and I guess this is the risk to that kind of age gap.

When everything calms down and the kids are at school (if they go) or if you can get some respite care. Can you sit down and talk to him about it all. And see what agreement you can come to with regards to separating. Potentially approaching calmly without arguing and asking if he struggles with grieving the life he expected.

My friends step-dad was very similar, age gap, first child (my friends half sister) had severe disabilities. He checked out of the marriage and they eventually divorced. He barely saw his daughter again and then died relatively young at 65.

Love this comment - and agree

tbh he’s an OAP. Even without the disability and MH issues, parenting kids at that age isn’t that feasible. He prob just doesn’t have the energy. He most likely envisaged some nice holidays abroad, going for breakfast in a nice cafe, going for country walks, picking up a newspaper.

He’s not going to get younger, he’s going to get more and more tired, more and more angry he can’t retire. Is your DD at school in the day? Can you get some work in school hours.

In reality, you most likely can’t afford to split and have any life, it doesn’t sound like there will be enough money for two households from one pension (unless its really good)

I think the only way forward is counselling and exploring how to make time for each other as well as your DD.

Wow that’s a big gap and at 68 his energy levels and tolerance will be less. Try talking in the morning when it’s calmed down

Seek legal advice and divorce no point you staying together.