To end my marriage tomorrow

Was just about to say the same.

it must be so difficult for both of them, caring for the kids comes first but it sounds like there is nothing left for the two of them to have any relaxing time to just enjoy being a couple.

unless he behaves like this all the time or has a history of being abusive, I think its definitely worth talking to each other.

OP is there anyone when back home that can maybe watch the kids for a few hrs a week so you can have time together & try and rebuild your relationship.

He's not very clever, is he? Surely he doesn't think he can just walk away and take all his money with him. He's a fool.if he does.

Absolutely. And genetically speaking he was far too old to father children as men’s sperm quality starts degrading at 35 and rapidly declines starting at 40, getting exponentially worse every year and leading to a variety of issues in fetuses. I wouldn’t be surprised if he knows that his age could be a factor in his children’s issues and is angry/unpleasant to them out of guilt. Especially if he thought going after a much younger woman would alleviate this (spoiler alert: it doesn’t!).

I know it seems impossible OP but for your children’s sake you need to get away from him. He is absolutely toxic to you and your poor daughter, and your son too. If he won’t have them at all that will help in terms of maintenance. You make £30k, which isn’t a lot but isn’t nothing. You’ll get help with housing or maybe be able to stay in the home with your children. You have options. It will work. Start researching and reaching out to places that can help and see what your options are. You will all be so, so much happier without this crotchety abusive POS in your lives. 💐

I’m presuming he was part of the process 🙄

It's true though. This was completely foreseeable. No bloke wants babies at pushing 60. Always the same old story of a much younger woman wanting kids and a spineless old man agreeing so he doesn't lose her-and it's the kids who suffer. The OP chose a man 27 years (!) older than her and now is complaining that young kids stress him out! Who ever could've predicted it.

State Pension info.

https://www.gov.uk/contracted-out/how-contracting-out-affects-your-amount

Leave. He won't want the children for any period of time, and will have to pay maintenance even if he does retire. If he tries to get any kind of custody you can point out his previous addictions. I would also make a record of his disgusting treatment of your daughter tonight - you can never leave him alone with her.

Take him for everything he fucking has. You'll make it work. What a piece of shit. Get angry, and protect your children.

35 won't be enough. I had 35, but it turned out that I needed 40 because of the rule change around 2015 or 2016. It's to do with being contracted out, which he will be if he's paid into a teaching pension.

You might be a lot better off in a divorce than you think. With your children you will probably be allowed to stay in the family home as you would not be able to afford suitable accommodation for them by selling it. You'll probably have a clause which says the house will be sold and proceeds split once youngest child turns 18. It is likely he will need to find his own accommodation but that's not your problem and could be a 1 bed flat, especially if he's not doing overnights with the children. You will probably end up doing nearly all the childcare. You will be entitled to universal credit and given you won't have a mortgage and might get some maintenance (which isn't counted in universal credit calculations) this will be enough to live on for you and the kids. You might actually be a lot better off than you think- it may just be thst you carry on pretty much as you are, he moves out, and he just has the kids in the day a couple of times a week (at least initially).

OP you can claim UC you can claim maintenance as the primary carer you can also get a bigger chunk of the assets for housing you and the kids. Speak to women’s aid start protecting your kids.

Who wants an angry 68 year old man in their life when they’re 41 (or ever, frankly). You don’t want to end up looking after him as well.

Don’t make excuses for an abusive man and no she absolutely cannot have marriage counselling with an abuser either.

Check out entitled to or turn2us - its a benefits calculator- you maybe entitled to claiming as a single parent - not harm in checking- just put your income in.

The rate of divorce for couples raising children with a disability is 87% so it seems you're not alone in these hardships.
Things sound really rough and I'm sorry you're suffering.
With such demands, I think the first question is would things be easier or harder if you seperate?
Has husband mentioned divorce? Is he prepared to live as housemates for the sake of raising the children?
Because of his age I can't see things getting easier with time as it will be offset by what will likley be his declining health.
I don't know if there's anything I can say that will help but I offer you solidarity. Life is sometimes really really hard and painful.

Your income alone is higher than mine and my partners current combined income, we’re paying a mortgage but no additional loans (really sorry you had to take out a loan to get your daughter the help she needs, I 100% would have done the same). We have 2 children but no childcare costs, do you need to pay childcare to continue working? You may be able to get by comfortably with less money than you think (I know childcare costs can be astronomical so if you need this to be able to work that does make it tricky). I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it work for you and your kids, sounds like you’ve done much of it on your own so far anyway.

Research benefits and start applying.
Speak to a solicitor and take everything financial with you. Knowledge is power.
Then when you have a plan, end it. In the meantime carry on with the kids as normal, and do it when you are ready and have full power over the next steps.
Wishing you luck. I understand the disappointment and anger that a dad can have towards their child who doesn't tick their boxes due to medical needs. Both my kids are treated as such by their dad/my ex, they just aren't the ideal narrative he wants so he is horrible to them...
One happy home with just you is better than a home filled with his nasty, awful behaviours.

Couldn’t you rent? It sounds like you could potentially walk away with £160-200k so I would probably rent for a while. You’re only 41, you will likely meet someone else long term.

Or buy a 2 bed house; kid in each room, you in the lounge/dining room and see if the situation improves as the kids get older.

Dont let finances stop you from leaving this marriage - people have divorced in much worse situations, it’s entirely possible and it sounds like you’d all be happier if you divorced.

You may even find, because your daughter has needs that he can’t meet overnight, that you’d get to keep the home.

Even if he has that’s not your problem. Drinking any sort of wine would imply that he has. But that’s even more of a reason not to stay with him.

Please get your kids away from this awful man speak to women’s aid and get help to protect your kids your daughter is just 9 years old and he is a vile bully.

Don’t worry about what he did or didn’t do as jobs and when, bizarre questions to even ask the OP everyone she didn’t know him then.

focus on yourself and the children for now. Get through the rest of the holiday and once home start getting things organised.

You say you are mortgage free so that’s a good start. And between you 88k, as that’s a high amount if there’s no mortgage how are you tight?

In my area a 3bed is similar value and a 1bed retirement flat about £160- £180.
If he can’t look after the kids overnight that’s all he needs and you can all stay in the home.

You are entitled to half plus maintenance regardless of what he’s said or what he thinks. He also needs to pay his half of the medical treatment for his daughter, that bit alone is nasty to read.

but all of that’s for when you get home and start getting things organised. I’m sorry he’s treated you like that, you can’t fix things once this stuff happens.

Might you be able to claim some benefits if on your own? Might your daughter qualify for anything?

Yes she needs to leave ASAP to protect her children from an abusive father.

It might not be ideal, but I'm sure you would qualify for benefits support. Look up Gingerbread. It's a charity for single parents. They have some good info pages, and further support if you want it.

This might be way off the mark, but you've mentioned a few decades of addiction and his age. Do you think he may blame himself for your daughter's disabilities? I wonder if this is why you pick up on an intolerance to her from him.

FWIW, I think once you get your head around the finances you'll feel better off without him in the long run. I agree with others. At his age and moods will only get worse with time. You're young enough to create a life for you and the children that doesn't depend on him having the odd 'good mood' day.