Page 25 | To end my marriage tomorrow

Shedding123 · 2026-02-17T21:27:54+00:00

Apologies for the dear Deirdre style title. Sat in shock on couch and just need a quick unbiased metaphorical talking to here. DH and I been struggling for a long time now, stress of 2 kids one with physical disability and one with mental health challenges. Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples). we’ve been bumbling along essentially as flatmates under the same roof and I guess I thought once things more stable with the kids things might improve. Anyway it all kicked off tonight and I’m utterly devastated. We are away for half term in a placr dear to our hearts and he’s been so moody for the last few days. Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know. He lost it, stormed through, swore at the kids, my daughter told him it’s not nice to swear and he just started ranting on about how she’s too much like me, rude, how dare I be so rude to him, how dare I blame everything on him, I asked him calmly to stop in front of the kids and said this needs to be an adult conversation between us and he laughed and said no chance, it’s good for the kids to hear how manipulative I am. It was horrendous. Our daughter was crying, our son was just stuck begging it to stop. He then calmly put the kettle on and handed me a cup of tea and told me to be grateful and is now reading in the other room again. I have no idea how a divorce would work, he is 68 so has said in spiteful moments he will retire if I leave him so he won’t pay anything, I earn low as am a carer for our daughter, I literally cannot imagine how we could run 2 houses. But there is no coming back from tonight is there? I know he will blame it all on me to the children but this feels so abusive towards them too having had to sit through that😭

Original poster

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 23:27

ThiagoJones · 17/02/2026 23:23

Anyone shouting at my 9 year old daughter and calling her ‘manipulative’ would be out, no question.

I think that’s what’s broken me tonight. Him yelling at her calling her manipulative and disrespectful “like your bloody mother”

OP posts:

HelicoPie · 17/02/2026 23:27

this might be an unpopular opinion.

my thoughts on this - it is not (yet) a situation that means you must end your marriage. It might very well be one where you decide to, and I totally get that. He’s behaved awfully. But I think I’d say the reaction he has to it could make a difference. And your feelings about it too. Ending the marriage may well be the right decision but it’s definitely a decision - others in this scenario would decide differently and that would make sense for them.

I’d be interested to know if he’s reflected on it in the coming days and what he thinks. Might still be too little too late. But I don’t think it’s a no going back moment. It’s definitely one that needs discussed and resolved either way.

Original poster

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 23:26

Shouldbedoing · 17/02/2026 23:22

What I can tell you about child maintenence from a pensioner, even a millionaire pensioner, is that they are classed as being on benefits and so the rate is set at £3.50 per child per week which is utterly shit. So Child maintenence would be a pittance unless additional money is given voluntarily.
But
On the bright side,
All marital assets, pensions and debts are put in the pot for sharing out.
The residential parent typically gets 65% vs 35% of assets to the non residential parent NRP. He's not a man who will want 50:50 care
Assets split is calculated with the children's welfare foremost, housing each party adequately - he only needs 1 bedroom if he can't do overnight care.
Presumably your children's additional needs would make the household eligible for extra benefits alongside UC.
Set yourself free, OP
What a monstrous arsehole he turned out to be.

Sorry to sound daft but I’m so scared and want to get this right - he did say something before very similar to your first line and said I won’t get a penny from him. Not that I want his money for spa weekends, simply to help with the kids. But I digress. We have 0 assets apart from the house which is mortgage free after I paid it off with a one off inheritance 2 years ago. I have a 20k loan for medical needs (no idea if it’s relevant, he didn’t agree with private treatment so I took it out in my name and pay it back monthly from my earnings over 5
years). So how would the asset split work in practice? This part scares me.

OP posts:

McGregor33 · 17/02/2026 23:25

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:01

I really don’t think he could manage her overnight needs, but the nhs would probably provide oxygen for 2 homes

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I’ve not read the full thread but my daughter is on oxygen, we have prescription for our house and in the nursery. Our respiratory Dr arranged it and vivisol go and change the tanks when they’re getting low.

I understand the not wanting to let her sleep alone, I’m the same with my girl and we use a monitor etc.

Pistachiocake · 17/02/2026 23:24

I'm so sorry. You both need support-people don't realise how hard it can be to have kids with medical issues. What he did was awful, but I would take your time, get your ducks in a row, and think about how whether he has always been this bad-is there any way he could get better with support? Could he be ill himself? You say he is 68-uncaring behaviour like this can happed with certain neurological conditions.

OPTIMUMMY · 17/02/2026 23:23

Go and get some legal advice and look up what benefits you could be entitled to if you split up. It’s probably better to do it sooner rather than later at his age to be honest as you don’t want to end up trapped caring for him too out of guilt. I think you need to do all of this just now so that you know that you can split up from him. Also it might do him some good to see you’re serious, and for him to consider that actually he could be much worse off without you. You and your children deserve to feel safe and happy, don’t be dragged down to his level of misery.

ThiagoJones · 17/02/2026 23:23

Anyone shouting at my 9 year old daughter and calling her ‘manipulative’ would be out, no question.

Shouldbedoing · 17/02/2026 23:22

What I can tell you about child maintenence from a pensioner, even a millionaire pensioner, is that they are classed as being on benefits and so the rate is set at £3.50 per child per week which is utterly shit. So Child maintenence would be a pittance unless additional money is given voluntarily.
But
On the bright side,
All marital assets, pensions and debts are put in the pot for sharing out.
The residential parent typically gets 65% vs 35% of assets to the non residential parent NRP. He's not a man who will want 50:50 care
Assets split is calculated with the children's welfare foremost, housing each party adequately - he only needs 1 bedroom if he can't do overnight care.
Presumably your children's additional needs would make the household eligible for extra benefits alongside UC.
Set yourself free, OP
What a monstrous arsehole he turned out to be.

Original poster

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 23:22

15 years

OP posts:

Sparrow7 · 17/02/2026 23:21

How long have you been together?

Original poster

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 23:20

Twingoo · 17/02/2026 23:14

If he was an addict for 30 years - I suspect substance abuse has left its mark physiologically on his neurological/mental/physical health.

Maybe he is in cognitive decline? I would be worried that you will be his carer very soon. Is that what you want - can you cope with that or do you need to prioritise your DC development and opportunities for independence in adulthood?

How long was he planning to continue working for?

You and your DCs are still very young. If he isn’t supporting you emotionally or practically - but instead undermining you and causing distress and disruption then let him go.

Show quote history

That’s kind, I don’t feel young at all. My daughter will never live independently and will need care from me forever. My son-
less so I think but won’t have it easy in life. I think given then choice he’d have already retired but hasn’t been able
To with the kids. On the good days I feel we respect each other and support one another, but his mood can change like the wind and that’s happening more and more. But tonight felt different, shouting at me in front of them, shouting at our daughter who was telling him that’s not ok, our son begging me
to be quiet so would all stop. I can’t come back from that I don’t think.

OP posts:

Marmalademorning · 17/02/2026 23:20

You’re 41, you’re still young enough to start agin OP. And if he chooses to retire early, you can still make a claim on his pension. Pensions are matrimonial assets - him retiring early does not lock it away from you. And the fact you have children strengthens your position massively.

BUT!

There is a huge immediate risk - the 25% tax-free lump sum. If he retires tomorrow, he can legally withdraw that large chunk of cash instantly. If he takes that money and spends or hides it before your financial settlement is secured, it is extremely difficult to get that value back. You need to tell a solicitor immediately that you fear he is about to liquidate assets; they can sometimes apply for an injunction to stop him from draining the pot before the divorce is finalised. At 68, he is well past minimum retirement age. So depending on his pension fund provider, he could withdraw and have that money within a matter of days. So if you are planning to divorce him, then you will need to act fast.

Driftingawaynow · 17/02/2026 23:17

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2026 23:16

Before you mention divorce I would put all of what’s happened tonight into an email to him. Outline the impact it’s had on the kids and ask him if you’ve missed anything, if he will seek help eg family therapy or parenting classes to deal better with situations like this. Having this in writing (and an an angry response) will be very helpful if you get into a child arrangements family court battle. Or he might reflect on himself and seek help (even better if so)

This will make literally zero difference to the family court

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/02/2026 23:16

Before you mention divorce I would put all of what’s happened tonight into an email to him. Outline the impact it’s had on the kids and ask him if you’ve missed anything, if he will seek help eg family therapy or parenting classes to deal better with situations like this. Having this in writing (and an an angry response) will be very helpful if you get into a child arrangements family court battle. Or he might reflect on himself and seek help (even better if so)

Original poster

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 23:16

Driftingawaynow · 17/02/2026 23:13

You haven’t mentioned your daughter getting DLA, she will be entitled to it. Suspect various other benefits too.
You can do this love, it’s inevitable now and it will be financially and emotionally manageable.
you’ll fly above all his bullshit and show your kids what self respect and healthy boundaries look like. Don’t soldier on through the holiday, it’s unacceptable what he has done, don’t teach your kids to ignore this crap.

Yes she’s on highest rate care DLA. I think that
is the right word, it’s inevitable after tonight. I can’t risk that happening again in frony
of them 😢

OP posts:

Driftingawaynow · 17/02/2026 23:16

You can move out of the catchment area once your kids are at a school, they won’t lose their place.

aeon418 · 17/02/2026 23:15

Does he have a sponser? Would he go back to meetings?

I think at this point he is a dry drunk without a program; mean and angry at the world. Of course he has turned it on you which is very unpleasant.

No matter what happens try not to take it personally. This is all on him but there is an answer if he’s willing and that is to get back to meetings.

I don’t need an answer. Just something for you to mull over. A slight chance really that he could get back on track if he was willing. With or without you in the end.

Firefly1987 · 17/02/2026 23:15

@ThiagoJones yes and he definitely should've done! Not a good idea for anyone. I don't think he'd be recommending it to any other men in their 50s now...

Twingoo · 17/02/2026 23:14

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:11

So I believe early 40’s were in AA recovery then late 40’s degree and masters and then early 50’s he joined nhs

Show quote history

If he was an addict for 30 years - I suspect substance abuse has left its mark physiologically on his neurological/mental/physical health.

Maybe he is in cognitive decline? I would be worried that you will be his carer very soon. Is that what you want - can you cope with that or do you need to prioritise your DC development and opportunities for independence in adulthood?

How long was he planning to continue working for?

You and your DCs are still very young. If he isn’t supporting you emotionally or practically - but instead undermining you and causing distress and disruption then let him go.

LucyLoo1972 · 17/02/2026 23:14

I know how difficult it must be to even contemplate leaving with having two children with extra needs. im in a similar situation and its just me but I cant work becasueof my mental health

Driftingawaynow · 17/02/2026 23:13

You haven’t mentioned your daughter getting DLA, she will be entitled to it. Suspect various other benefits too.
You can do this love, it’s inevitable now and it will be financially and emotionally manageable.
you’ll fly above all his bullshit and show your kids what self respect and healthy boundaries look like. Don’t soldier on through the holiday, it’s unacceptable what he has done, don’t teach your kids to ignore this crap.

ByWarmShark · 17/02/2026 23:13

He doesn't need to get a mortgage, he can rent

ThiagoJones · 17/02/2026 23:10

Firefly1987 · 17/02/2026 22:58

It's true though. This was completely foreseeable. No bloke wants babies at pushing 60. Always the same old story of a much younger woman wanting kids and a spineless old man agreeing so he doesn't lose her-and it's the kids who suffer. The OP chose a man 27 years (!) older than her and now is complaining that young kids stress him out! Who ever could've predicted it.

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Well he could have said no…

Original poster

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 23:10

Thank you all so so much. Wish I could reply
individually as every response makes me feel a bit stronger. To answer a few questions (sorry for those I miss) I think he’ll accuse me of overreacting asking for a divorce, he’s prone to calling me hysterical even over the serious medical issues. I don’t know why. He absolutely feels pushed to the side but I understand from support groups for my child’s disability that this is quite common sadly. I think the sticking point will be housing, we live in a stupidly expensive area and house is the cheapest bracket here and I’d be so loathe to leave the area as our son is settled in school determined by catchment, and our daughter attends a specialist school also catchment dependent. Even if I was allowed to stay in the house he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage now to afford a flat in the area. And I think him being in the area is a key part of how they work out what is reasonable in a divorce with kids? I’ve fallen down a Google hole, inevitably.
I am mainly sad as the Good days (admittedly fewer now) are good, the kids are happiest on them, and for this to happen in our family holiday special place we have come to each year just is so so so sad.

OP posts:

MrsJeanLuc · 17/02/2026 23:10

Shedding123 · 17/02/2026 22:21

Emotions aside, i Am terrified at how it would even work financially. Feels like we barely make ends meet just now. He earns around £58k, I’m on just under £30k, we’d both need mortgages from selling current home valued around £320k, I don’t see how the bills add up. How on earth do people manage changing one set of bills for 2?

@Shedding123 I know your head is spinning right now. But you can't solve all these problems now, so try to calm yourself until you have had a chance to talk to a solicitor.

The chances are you won't have to worry about maintaining 2 homes. It's very likely that you and the children will retain the family home and he will have to move out into a flat or something.

He can retire. (At his age that's not unreasonable tbh). But he will still have his state pension and some occupational pension and will have to pay you some CM out of those.

Realistically, he is going to retire soon anyway. And in another 5 years or so he is going to expect you to look after him as well as your 2 children - you're better off separating as soon as possible.

Good luck, I hope you can find your way forward.