To end my marriage tomorrow

This may be more of a problem than the no sex then. If you don't have a consistent team approach to parenting it makes everything harder.

If you're on the attachment side your DH is more on the warm authoritative side, he may see a lot of the issues you have with the DC as being self inflicted, and as being unfair on him and the DC. Hence the losing patience with it all.

I'm so sorry for you and dcs.

Is there any way you can move to a different cheaper area? Lots of people from the south have moved to our northern village. They love being by the sea. There's plenty of hospitals locally. Some decent schools. I understand if you don't want to move dcs though. I moved mine at similar ages. They're glad we did but youngest wasn't so sure at first. Pm me if you want to chat about it.

Sending much love and support. It's awful when the blinkers come off. I know from personal experience.

This is a cautionary tale for people that say age is just a number. I have no advice for the OP, just wishing you luck as you need to get your kids away from this horrible man.

Why do so many men have an issue with their kids needs being prioritised.

I think he sounds like the exact type of person to try and get 50/50 custody.

He’s already told OP that he won’t pay and he won’t be expected to if he has them 50/50.
He’ll also get half of the disability benefits on top.

He sounds like he’d try and be spiteful in the event of OP leaving and so I wouldn’t put it past him to go for 50/50.

It does sound like the end. He sounds pretty awful, but also like he's at the end of his tether. And while I can see why most posters are latching on to his age, I also wonder: Have the two of you been at odds over parenting style?

When you said you were having an awful evening with the kids and wanted him to come through and help I assumed you were talking about 6 or 7 year olds. A 9 and 13 year old really shouldn't need "managing" to have a decent evening.

Is it related to their additional care needs in some way? And have you been disagreeing on how to cope with those?

Your husband sounds monstrous but you, OP, sounds like a good mother. Your instinct is to get your kids away from a man who will damage them and sounds like they already have enough to deal with, without an abusive father on top.

Everything about him sounds awful, a grumpy old man who doesnt help you at all, is selfish, is cruel to you and may even hate you. You deserve so much more than this. What did you learn about relationships growing up that made you believe you deserve so little?

Oh, 54 is too young! I'm so sorry.

I hope this support will help you protect yourself and your children.

This sounds absolutely horrendous 😢
I would strongly recommend you leave this excuse for a man, sooner rather than later! Because I can see you caring for him too in his old age! I honestly dont think you'd be able to cope with that, on top of caring for your two young children. Put things in place as soon as possible. Time is not on your side and he doesn't deserve you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs..

OP, I'm so angry on your behalf. What about YOUR needs? Let me guess, you've (like so many of us mothers) found a way to suppress your own needs/wants/desires as children and family take precedent.

That you do all the caretaking while he is out with friends and can't be bothered to lift a finger speaks more than his cruel words this last week.

Please get legal advice ASAP. The cruelest thing would you being responsible to care for him in his old age while caring for his children too.

DF is 80 and I'm 55 and DH and I are his caregivers. My DF's health changed drastically from 70 to 80, despite him being very healthy his entire life. Also, my DF is a kind man who's never yelled at me or my DSis, so I am more than happy to take care of him (and my children are mostly grown and independent).

this. 💯

Threatening you retirement and no money if you split is really horrible. Though it has come to a head in him shouting like this right now it appears to be part of a much broader pattern of behaviour. When he says you aren't meeting his needs I presume he means no sex, without him making any attempt to support you and to help make time for yourselves so you can be a couple. You need to act, but give yourself a little bit of time to get over the shock, then gather together all the financial information, definitely not forgetting how much money you put into the house with your inheritance and full details of pensions! Then get the best financial and legal advice you can. His future living situation is not really your problem, but your children's needs are. In some ways it doesn't matter why he is now behaving like this - addiction, cognitive decline or just plain meanness - he is, and he needs to either stop or you need to split for your own sake. Personally I don't think therapy is always very helpful in these situations, too often it just encourages women to think, if I only I changed/did x or y he might be better and then they struggle on for some time with the men just coasting on their efforts without changing.

You sound lovely and he sounds awful. I would get an appointment with a solicitor asap to discuss things and include the issue of him having the ability to liquidate some of his pension as that can be prevented I think.

Don’t worry that the medical debt is in your name, you are married so it is joint.

It must all feel very overwhelming at the moment however once you get some advice and a bit of a plan in place that may help you feel more in control.

Others have already given you some useful information so have a read and definitely get some legal advice as your situation is complex with the children and their needs. Nothing online will tell you what the asset split would be and it will depend on lots of things including how often you each have the children, their needs, your abilities to work / income etc.

When you call round solicitors ask them what experience they have with situations like yours.

Look after yourself x

Op I want to say this kindly not to make you feel worse. Me and h have 5 kids. One has the most physical and mental needs you could imagine, 2 asd. We make it work because we want it to work , h may struggle with the practical care but knows he wouldn't change it for the world so we work around it as a couple and then as a family. Him vanishing off while on holiday then acting like that says he's only there for appearance and wants to belittle and scare you into doing it all while keeping quiet to boot. Leave him for you and your children because it's not fair. Get some legal advice , check entitled to , I can't imagine him having them frequently but it will feel less alone then you do right now.

It is selfish. I agree with you.

I am sorry that you are experiencing such challenges in your relationship. From reading your post, I am imaging that you have learnt to accept what may unacceptable, e.g. dealing with all the childcare, bearing alone the cost for your child’s medical expenses and so on, somewhat normalizing the abnormal. It appears as if what you have experienced tonight is another version of the same: your partner is in another room reading whilst you take care of your children, you have to ask for his support as he is not engaging, the situation unravels as he explodes in his anger, he is verbally abusive to you and your children. Then he goes back to “normal”, makes a cup of tea and goes back to his reading. You wonder if you have been passive aggressive and somewhat wonder what you have done wrong. In all of this, you have some ground to believe that he is struggling with past addictive behaviours.
I hope you find the resources and strength to mobilize towards change.

This OP

please speak to a solicitor urgently. You need to start a divorce process, even if you don’t go through with it, and get an injunction on him liquidating the main asset that is his. As you and your kids are entitled to at least half of it.

given his behaviour I’d suggest he is drinking again and is potentially emotionally unstable enough to think F you lot, drain his assets and run.

good luck

It sounds like the fight itself was bad but is not the problem in isolation. It’s the everything else and the fight is what has allowed you to see things / articulate them clearly. It doesn’t sound like you love him or think that the marriage/family unit staying together will make you happy.

if that’s the case, then end it, and you can explain the fight was the last straw/an example of the problem.

It starts off 50/50 but then all the additional information will be considered. The children's additional needs , their age , housing needs for them etc. You need to see a solicitor for this . Get all the documents you can such as birth certs, passports , any financial records, pension info . If you have a joint account take half and open a new account in your name.
It might seem overwhelming at first and you will worry about money. But again you might be entitled to more help if you are a single parent, more support for the children and he will have to provide for the children , retired or not . It really might not be as bad as you think .

His aggression towards the children will also have to be mentioned in terms of visitation.