To end my marriage tomorrow

Honestly, he is one of the most shallow, selfish, despicable men I have ever read about on Mumsnet and he has some stiff competition.

He obviously has no empathy at all and he can only think about his own needs and will have a tantrum if they aren't met.

He was obviously supported and cared for by his family when he was an addict and he expects that kind of care and to be put first ahead of his own children to a level that is almost pathological.

Your main worries relate to money and where you will live. You need to seek urgent advice about what you would be entitled to (from Citizens Advice and a family/divorce solicitor) but I truly believe that you and your children will be happier without him.

I suppose he must be fully aware that a parent's long term addiction to drugs and/or alcohol plus being much older at conception can increase the likelihood of having children with disabilities - it's not rocket science (sperm is 'damaged') - so he should be more supportive of DC as one could say HE caused their problems/disabilities by having these DC.

As someone with an ex DP who was an alcoholic, drinking zero alcohol wine or beer is a warning sign. Very possibly craving the real stuff, and moving onto it soon if he hasn't already started. It sounds like a relapse waiting to happen and most people do relapse... only 1/3 of alcoholics manage to stay off it. It would partly explain rhe dreadful behaviour.

In short , this is an awful environment for you and the kids, and another vote to say "please leave". Good luck, and you will find being a single parent easier than your current nightmare, which could well get worse. An alcoholic in recovery with two kids, and throw in additional needs ... that sounds a disaster waiting to happen.

Don't hang around waiting for him to get better, or keep giving more chances ... you'll waste you and your kids' precious peace and sanity. I did it as a single parent initially on a lower income than you, you can too. Also get in touch with Al-Anon. Great support from there.

This not helpful at all. OP is bringing up the kids alone from the sounds of things. She is doing a sterling job in what sounds like very very difficult circumstances.

I can’t even imagine the full amount of pressure she is under, appointing blame for having kids with her husband is not on at all.

Hi op, different circs but I have a SEN DC and became a single mum last year after leaving an abusive relationship, it's hard but worthwhile.

I wouldn't talk to your DH about your plans any further, just make calls while he's at work, just so you don't enrage him (NB it's not on you to manage his anger but hopefully what I said makes sense) also you don't want him squirreling away assets or syphoning off anything that should be shared equally

Just go grey rock for now

I've had a sleepless night (PTSD) so sending tired hugs to you xx

Could he have the onset of dementia, that can present as anger?

68 with two young kids and he's still working. No wonder he is tired and grumpy!
If ever there was an advert for not marrying someone a generation older, this is it.
Life doesn't sound great for any of you ☹️

He did that!
Make a massive scene, with children in distress, just to get off helping a bit!!!! He has no feelings! Or common sense!
You have to kick him out. And now. Your title is right indeed.

He sounds abusive, taking solo holidays, going out for dinner, hoarding his salary and doling out a pittance while you pay for his house and his kids and get nothing at all, not even an hour off. He’s disgusting. I bet there was some sort of grooming as well if you met him when you were- what? 25, and he was 53.

Apart from him I would be very surprised if you weren’t financially better off. I saw on another thread that if you used your own inheritance to pay the house off you can have that taken into consideration because inheritance isn’t usually seen as shared even in a marriage. And then if there isn’t enough for you to buy somewhere, perhaps your DD’s condition mean you could be considered for social housing. As she will need lifelong care it would not be unreasonable for the savings aspect of UC to be waived, I don’t know how it would work. But definitely, definitely go and see a solicitor, and please tell the kids’ schools as well. Get as a much support as you can.

I don’t have experience of being a carer for my dc but I do have experience of leaving abusive men, and you will feel a million times lighter once you’re free of his clutching hands around your neck. Good luck @Shedding123 , the future can be so much better for you than the last 15 years.

He is an old man, with very young kids who are super demanding. I'm not defending him but OP will probably have to be on her own sometime soon anyway, I'm sure she planned a way to bring up kids on her own in case he dies?...

Sorry, but having children with 55-60 year old man is very irresponsible, unless you know you can bring them up yourself.

That age difference is a massive red flag. 27 years difference?? No wonder he can't cope with kids this complex, he is nearly 70 years old. Please leave this awful relationship.

I agree. I don’t think a sudden breakup will easy any pressure on you.
This is very hard on you but lone parenting in your situation might be worse?
Try counselling it might help.
Either way it’s your decision snd I wish you all the best.

Because you have you been conditioned from childhood to blame yourself and not to value yourself. But you value your children’s happiness, and understand they are innocent and not to blame. It is very common in these situations.

As for understanding his anger, read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. I think there is a free pdf online. That will help you understand. It is very difficult for someone normal and empathetic like yourself to understand how a parent could hate a child, how someone could hate their spouse for seemingly no reason. It is because your husband is a special kind of breed.

You have gone through so much and must be exhausted and in fight or flight mode all the time between him and your kids disabilities. I hope you find some peace very soon.

Thanks, Shedding, that's really kind of you to say that in the midst of your own troubles. No one really knows what I went through with my husband, and the odd time I've tried to tell, my experience hasn't been accepted. So a kind word is very welcome. 💖

Don’t know where the diabetes came from in above post. it should be daughter.

Good luck OP you can make a better life for yourself and your children. it is possible.

Getting divorced was the best decision for my children and myself. My ex husband had a few girlfriends to keep him happy for a while in his new green pastures. THe situation today is that he is a lonely old man of 70 diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment . I am on good terms with him for the sake of my daughter but am grateful that I have no responsibility to being his Carer

Somehow lost the second half of my post so typing again
Get legal advice you may be able to stay in the family home as I did . Check also your entitlements to benefits as a single parent with Carers allowance and the Carers earnings limit. Look into pension contributions with the earnings limit
You will probably get more help with your caring responsibilities when single as it will no longer be presumed that another adult in the household is pulling his weight. It seems with your diabetes being in oxygen and frequent hospital visits that you may be eligible for respite care at the local children’s hospice. Look into this. they are wonderful places and will also support you and her brother. .

He's treating you badly and not puling his weight. Something to consider as he is late sixties, if he develops health issues don't get stuck being his carer as well.

I had a similar situation to you OP but without the age gap. My child with severe disability also needed watching over at nights and I was severely sleep deprived. The life that we had with a severely disabled child was not the married life my husband envisaged . He thought the grass would be greener outside. We divorced with mutual agreement . It lifted my burden as having him around was like caring for an additional complaining child. MY experience was that financial decisions re house and assets etc were determined very much with the needs of the children at the forefront. Get legal advice you may be

tensions and expectations are high and holidays are often stressful when both parents need to recharge and they can’t.
sounds like you are both at your wits end . Xylitol couid both do with some proper support. Unless you’re absolutely sure don’t jump to divorce until you’ve had consoling. You’re dealing with a lot.

He is a textbook abusive narcissist. I bet if you look back he has always been extremely selfish and abusive, even before the kids (with sunny lovebombing at first and good moments to keep you hopeful). He is not capable of love and there is no point trying to reason with him, he will just gaslight you.

He threw a tantrum when you asked for help purely so that you will be afraid to ask for help with childcare again. He said you should be grateful and went back to reading his book. He expects you to do all the childcare. This would be the same if they weren’t disabled.

He will always have inexplicable anger towards you, that’s just who he is, the anger has nothing to do with you he is full of rage from his own issues and looking to blame you. You are never be able to do anything right in his eyes, this is how he keeps you on the back foot and doing all the childcare and trying harder and harder to please him. Whilst he is a selfish jerk doing nothing to help or try and make you happy.

You have put up with this for too long - what was your childhood like? Abusive? Neglectful father? You are only considering divorce now because he is abusive to the kids. You would take all the abuse in the world personally because you do not value yourself. You need counselling asap to get some perspective and if you divorce him, to not meet another narcissist.

Please get legal advice and I hope it means you can divorce him. You deserve so much better than this. Be prepared he will get very nasty over divorce. You have to realise he doesn’t love you at all and would delight in making your life hell.

Im not sure if it’s already been said, but if you’ve been married a while then all debt is shared regardless of whose name it’s in and particularly if it’s for the treatment of your daughter. Likewise the house is joint owned, as are savings pensions etc. it really is worth taking legal advice.
Youd also be entitled to benefits if you were on your own. It surely can’t be worse than a miserable existence for future.