To end my marriage tomorrow

You read this and think OP is the one lacking empathy and understanding?

I expect that it’s very rare for women of that age to start ditching their familial responsibilities, hoarding their money and being abusive to those around them, though. It appears to be mainly male behaviour, regardless of the pressures around them.

I think when you reach his age you may understand better why he is reacting in the way he is. He should not be reacting that way with you and especially not with the children, but he's already past normal retirement age and faced with never being able to stop because of the needs of his family.

It's very difficult at 40 imagining what it must be like to be nearly 70. I think he's far from alone in being out of his depth with the situation he has trapped himself in. He is quite likely deeply depressed about life.

All of which is no help to you, except perhaps to understand the situation a little.

Of course she won't have to pay for 2 households.

And she might be entitled to more benefits without this prince weighing her down.

A court will take the kids' needs into account, it's not a 50/50 split in these situations.

OP, dexide what you want and you can use chat gpt somewhat before uou go running to a solicitor. They are EXTORTIONATE.

hope you have some resl life support. The kids are better away from your H. Sorry it's so difficult.

@Shedding123

One thing to bear in mind, whatever you take from his pension will likely then be considered as income and deducted from your UC payments.

I'm so sorry, what an awful mess.

Nothing excuses how he is dealing with this but I'm his age in a few weeks and I can't imagine having the energy to work full time and deal with children with the needs you've described.

Also he's old enough for some kind of dementia to be kicking in, which could account for some change of character. Especially with the previous drug abuse.

It's pretty clear you need the house and I would hope that you can't be forced out of it. In which case it's his problem to find himself the cheapest lodgings he can get, and you'll need to claim every benefit you can get hold of.

Please log the shouting episodes, he is abusing you and the children even if nothing physical happens. It will count against him when the chips are down.

They feel entitled to ALL the oxygen.

I’m sorry you’re going through this @Shedding123

The argument sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

You were 26 when you met him, he was 53. He must have thought all his Christmases had come at once. A year later you’re pregnant, so sounds like you wanted a family pretty quickly.

As your son has ASD, it’s probable that your husband does too, that would explain the addictions and long employment during his 20/30s, life was very different then with autism.

With your daughter’s disability, you possibly spent hours looking into treatments, hence the £25,000 medical loan. I suspect your husband didn’t agree to the loan because the treatment wasn’t a recommended NHS one?

You won’t get carers allowance since you earn too much (although I suspect you already know that). If you were to leave you job after the divorce then you would be entitled to Universal Credit, since you have no savings. If you stay in the house, then you won’t get Housing Benefit but if your family home was sold then you could apply (however, you’d then having savings because you’re mortgage free so wouldn’t get UC).

You need specialist legal advice.

You don’t mention Social Services? You need to contact the Children with Disabilities Team. You are entitled to the Carers Assessment as well as your children. If you had some support, such as Direct Payments then you could get help with your caring responsibilities. I can’t see your husband being much help after the divorce.

He sounds like he’s already checked out. He clearly wants a quiet life as this isn’t what he signed up for. He thought he was getting a picture perfect family.

You sound like a great Mum and obviously just want what is best for your children. I wish you luck.

OP you don’t mention any other adults in your life - do you have any friends or family. The 27 year age gap with a man who is a recovering addict is very unusual which makes me think you might not have any immediate family. Can you carve out any time to speak to a therapist (just you)? I think you might need to unpick how you got to this situation to work out the best way to unpick getting out of it. FYI on a salary of £58k his monthly take home pay is £3.6k. If he’s only giving you £1700 where’s the other £2k going?

Nail on the head. Marrying this old fart was the worst decision OP ever made. The remedy is removing the stench asap so everyone can breathe easy. Women, stay away from predatory older men and their toxic old sperm!

OP, I’ve read your posts and don’t think you’ve mentioned any RL support. Do you have family and friends nearby to help?

If you do, then lean into them for support. If not, I’d be speaking to Women’ Aid and single parents charities for advice and guidance.

Your husband sounds horrible. It may be he can’t cope because of his age, but that’s tough as he made these children. I would assume he won’t be supportive of the children when you split and you will have to do everything for them but that seems to be the situation now so life may end up far easier.

So, he started working when most people start to think about retirement? And yet he still has a £320k house all paid off? How did he manage that then?

Putting the age in perspective, when I am his age, my kids will be your age. It's all a bit strange.

Honestly, I'd not leave him. Based on most people I know, he's probably only got 5-7 years left, and then you'll inherit everything. Harsh but true. Make a separate life for yourself, make new friends, maybe even date a bit, and just wait it out.

Can we please just put it on blast to women not to marry men old enough to be their dads? There is something WRONG with a man who wants such an age gap and their sperm is TOXIC. They should all be sterilized to bring down the risk of children born with disabilities.

He sounds like an absolute prick but with much an age gap I feel sorry for the kids, I'm not sure what you expected with an age gap of nearly 30 years to be honest?

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. I have two children one with ASD. My husband recently walked out as he couldn’t cope parenting the child with ASD. im also in a low paid job as I do all the care. I’ve actually found myself to be in a better situation financially as I’m entitled to universal credit. My solicitor is also ensuring I’m set up in terms of keeping the house etc.

sending you hugs and strength with whatever you decide

Wow, you picked a real winner to be the father of your children. Absolutely shocking. You better start recording his outbursts as evidence. Young women need more guidance about being discerning regarding the men they choose. Choosing badly screws up your entire life, as this is a case in point. RECORD HIM. And maybe you can get carers income for your daughter and benefits. See a disability benefits advisor in addition to lawyer.

The man is nearly 70 and was formerly addicted to something.

How is his health? If poor it may be more financially prudent to wait if it might not be long and he will stay out of the way.

It is very easy for posters to encourage immediate financial uprooting, but your dc are going to need every penny.

If not and he is likely to live for too long, have you checked benefit calculators? My sister actually ended up much better off (quite rightly too) as she also has a severly disabled dc and couldn't work as much after the divorce.

I think you need to face the reality of the age gap. Late 60s-70s is personally where I saw the personality of my grandparents and then parents change gradually, and a lot of my friends have seen the same in their family.

It's obviously not the same for all and you can predict which way it will go, but there is a definite trend around me.

The main change in behaviour I have observed is less patience and much stronger irritation to the environment. And less restraint to express that irritation. I think it's similar to what you describe as "anger".

You can't reverse aging, and I don't think it's something that can be controlled for him either, so I doubt it can get better.

It's a horrible environment for your children to grow up in, and also bad for you (and your husband), so the best option is for you to leave.
Whilst he seems angry now, things might get better if you approach the separation calmly. It's probably what he wants too anyway, even if he's not admitting it right now.

For the financials, a solicitor will help you figure out what you are entitled to (e.g. whether the debt can be split), and ultimately you'll find a new balance. You seem extremely resourceful, I have no doubts that you will be fine and happier.

My other half is the DH’s age here and has a similar lifestyle - works hard, has hobbies. Please don’t assume all men this age are lacking in energy.
This man has married a woman young enough to be his daughter and I assumed he’d agreed to children thinking ‘she’ will look after them. He gets a young wife, someone to facilitate his life, and he gets to live his selfishly. However having kids with additional needs isn’t something he’s thought about, despite having worked in two caring professions.
OP, it’s not my job to pry but something has driven you to this much older man, who is also an addict. He may not be in active addiction now, but if he’s not looking after his sobriety, you are getting the dry drunk in full force - mean, aggressive, angry. Drinking alcohol free wine is not good.
HE has a lot to lose here. He may be 68 but he’s never grown up. He might moan about the mess but when he ends up alone, he will realise what you provided.
Please note that your inheritance will be taken into account in a financial settlement.
When you divorce him, he won’t retire yet. He’s not going to sit at home all day.
Do you have family nearby and what do they think of him?
Therapy on your own would be such a help. You are only 41 you have many years to go.
You deserve to be loved and so do your children.
Sadly, your DH is like an extra child you have to carry who is nothing like your loving DS and DD.

LTB definitely. He sounds awful. 💐

Rather than reduce all the complexities and issues OP has described down to "one terrible evening", try to read all her posts and think a little bit.

Wrong!
Being married does not make you responsible for debt that someone else has signed up to! Really bad to spout stuff like this.

As someone with parents that are your husband's age they get tired after looking after their grandchildren. Agree with PP, when I see people talking about having kids with men in their 50s I can't help but hope that they'll be able to manage alone if he gets too old and tired to be a parent.

I'm guessing that you were quite vulnerable when the two of you got together. Do you now have anyone else in your life that can help support you through this?

I agree with the idea of counselling. It seems to me that at the age of 68 your husband is struggling to cope with the complexities of life. Rather than throw away your marriage based on one terrible evening try to get to the root of the problem.