To end my marriage tomorrow

The OP has two high needs children to support.

It’s easy to say it’s only money when you won’t be the one who can’t make ends meet.

The input DH does give - money & keeping the house clean may be better than the OP being alone with two very dependent childen. Maybe putting up with him is preferable to managing alone. Only the OP can decide that.

You just made that up. I clearly said I understand why the OP isn’t having sex with him. In so many words. And the OP says in her 3/4th post that he is tired.

She can't mend what she didn't break. All she could do is to break herself even more to fit into the mould of the "perfect stepford wife" he wants. Because he has no intention of mending what he broke. He considers it his entitlement to act as he likes even when that amounts to abuse. Of course she should walk away. Better to be happy alone than together and miserable.

She's doing all the childcare. All she loses in losing him, is a tense atmosphere, another person to care for and money. She can get money in benefits of necessary. Yeh they might have to change their financial quality of life but the mental quality of life will improve and that's honestly where the happiness lies. Accepting abuse of yourself and your children in exchange for money doesn't make a person happy.

That's what abusers do to try and control you, confuse you by pretending nothing happened and make you frightened to say anything. Otherwise he would have apologised because there is no excuse at all for doing that to your kids and upsetting that much.

Ah come on, this is just pathetic. Women have to be a mother to their partner now if they can't cope, forget what they feel themselves they just have to get on with it.

That seems to suggest that he's probably not having enough sex, and that OPis to blame for his abusive, miserly behaviour to both OP and her children.

By that logic, if he's too old to show his wife some consideration - and at least occasionally assist her with the children that he actively avoids spending time with - then he's probably too old for an active sex life anyway. Perhaps he should continue to sit around drinking "non" alcoholic wine, reading SAGA magazine in another room and leave his wife to cope alone 100 per cent of the time.

I feel your argument seeks to blame the OP for not providing the poor old man with enough sex, in addition to everything else she has to do.

Do you think he could possibly going to the pub after work and not staying the extra hours ?
does he smell of a pub/beer when he comes home ? Could you go near him maybe tonight to see when he comes in.

i can not for the life of me understand someone staying later and going in weekends to work unless it was their own company and they had NO other option!

Has he never mentioned to you in the past tgat he’s deferred his GOV pension ? Or how many years he is short of years ?
There must be letters from the government, search around
If he hasn’t got 35yrs I think he won’t get full GOV pension unless he’s buying years back ?

what I’d be doing now is
having a discussion about finances saying you need more money from him , as you have hardly anything left for yourself and he must have more as he earns more. So you need to re- negotiate
This will be an eye opener, if he says ok then 👍 put extra away in your name

This is regardless of wether you stay or split
also if not now in a few years he won’t be “staying at work” all day and weekends

That's completely understandable but it's also what abusers do when they sense they're losing the person or really messed up, it's called love bombing or hoovering in terms of narcissistic abuse. My mother is a true clinically defined narcissist so I know what it feels like to be kept off balance all the time while questioning myself and thinking it's not to9 bad after all....it is that bad. Don't let him fool you.

While he's in a nice mood maybe gently bring the other night up and say that you'd appreciate it if you both dealt with issues away from the children and not do what happened again. See how he reacts. If he takes responsibility then that's fine, my guess is that he won't and his mask will slip.

@Shedding123

Please, please keep that appointment! Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you are going to 'do anything'. You are just educating yourself as to what your choices are and what each choice may mean for you. Then you'll be able to make an informed decision.

Keep in mind also that it's absolutely the normal thing for someone who knows they've fucked up to 'play nice' afterwards. It's to allay your fears and confuse you. You can enjoy the 'peace' but always keep in the back of your mind that it will not last. He has let his 'control' go and he knows it. But he also knows (as far as he knows) that you are doing nothing in response to it. Keep it that way until you've figure out what is best, and feasible, for you and DC.

Would either of them qualify for local authority home carers ? It sounds as though you need someone to take over at night. Many local authorities offer a night sitter for a few hours - it wouldn’t be every night, but based on need you may qualify. Might be worth enquiring. Also, you would qualify for a disabled facilities grant if your home needed to be adapted for the childrens’ nees.

Agree. Individual debt is not automatically shared in a divorce, but it is often treated as a joint responsibility in any financial settlement. OP’s debt is in her name only so the debt would remain legally hers. The court would look at whether it can be considered part of the joint matrimonial pot to achieve a fair, overall split, especially if the debt was for the family's benefit. Which OP’s was.

How does that work ? They share the marital home and each has a right to be there. She can’t change the locks or he’ll just get an occupation order. She can ask him to leave but she can’t force him.

She did indeed. Nearly twenty minutes after I posted the comment your are responding to. You can only post based on the information you have at the time.

But he’s as fit as a flea. Does 500 press ups a day, an endurance sport, busy social life, fulfilling career, no financial issues and no family commitments because he has opted out.

He lives as very well rounded, work/life balanced, relaxed lifestyle - he’s not going anywhere until most likely he is the one who chooses to walk on retirement (seems like he is way ahead of OP on what his financial situation would be at that point because he taunts her with zero maintenance because he’s retired).

OP and her DC however are much more likely to have their physical and mental health eroded by the neglect he inflicts on his wife and children - amd more so if this overt abuse / DA / emotional violence is repeated. This isn’t a sustainable situation. Even if you all ‘bounce back’ from these incidents there will be residual irrevocable damage that will consolidate and compound silently over time.

Have a read up on abusive relationships @2026Y- his ‘nice’ behaviour after an outburst is contrived and self serving. It’s a well known part of the ‘nice / nasty’ cycle of abusive men - who like to draw you back into punching distance so that they have someone to target and discharge their frustrations and nastiness on.

Needs to get medical help - this is not good enough for any of them

Yes softly softly. Always easier said than done but you have many brilliant bits of advice to keep you on that road. From my experience men who attach to women near three decades younger are needing to be seen as younger, attractive, you a trophy. And now life has intervened and you and the children are no longer trophies. He is shallow. He is self obsessed and he might be a little scared now that he has gone too far but you can’t trust him. Seriously quietly leave him and live in peace with your children.. Keep calm. Act from quiet strength. You know you are right.

Well done OP. You're not committing to anything by gathering this information. It's better to know exactly where you stand, then you can take some time to think about it all.

I'm thinking the nice guy stuff is particularly aimed at your son.

From what you wrote he was the one begging him to stop the other night, and is now confused as to why he's acting like nothings happened. You mentioned that if a split happened he'd turned the son against you.

If he's not actually addressed the shouting so much he made your DD cry (and accused her, I mean FFS), then all this nice guy stuff is gaslighting.

You've quoted a comment from 13:48 yesterday, but the OP didn't mention the alarms going off 3-4 times per night until 14:05 yesterday.

Totally agree with this. Get all the information you can, it doesn't mean you need to make a decision right now - they are two separate things.

Sending you a big hug

It's worth remembering that if you stay for financial reasons, he can still decide he wants a divorce and then you'd have to find a way to deal with it anyway, without the advantage of forewarning.

You think your mum should have stayed with your awful birth father???

You have nothing to lose by researching your options. It doesn't commit you to anything but it will give you valuable information which you can use to make decisions.