To end my marriage tomorrow

The OP, in her original post, describes her request as passive aggressive.

"Tonight the kids were squabbling and I eventually had enough trying to deal with it solo so went into the room he’s been in all evening reading and asked if he was planning on coming to help me at all. Passive aggressiveness never good, I know."

The rest of your post is just bonkers ranting.

He's got a 9 year old and a 13 year old that he chose to have, so unless he had a trust fund or loads of savings - which he doesn't, being an ex addict - then how do you think he'd pay for his kids without working? If he didn't want to support them, he shouldn't have had them in his late 50s.

I don't think it's that common to insult your wife in front of your children. In fact I think that's completely unacceptable.

As women, we need to start taking accountability for the decisions we make instead of immediately shouting “shitty men” every time something goes wrong.

Yes, a lot of men behave terribly, that’s exactly why we need to be careful about who we stay with, and who we choose to have children with
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In this situation, OP had children with a man in his late 50s/early 60s. At that age, sperm quality is lower and the risks of having children with additional needs are higher. They went ahead anyway, and now they have two children with SEN.

Her husband is now basically at retirement age and struggling to cope. It’s a horrible situation for everyone involved. I can understand why he’s overwhelmed.

He’s an old man, if you split he 100% is not going to be asking for joint custody and probably won’t even want your children to stay over night with him at all.

You need to sit down with him, admit it’s not working and tell him you’d be happy to have the children full time with him having day visits with them however that would need to reflect in how much you walk away with so you can actually support them.

You don’t know what his attitude is going to be with regards to splitting finances etc until you ask.

Is something wrong with Clooney's dcs?

It's not eugenics to acknowledge that reproducing with someone of an age to produce defective sperm ISN'T a good idea.

George Clooney may have done it but GC can afford a bank of nurses to look after them too.

Hi @Shedding123. I feel for you. You sound such a devoted mum.

You obviously have to remove yourself and the children from the abuse asap. Would your DH be willing to stay somewhere temporarily (with a friend?) to avoid the children witnessing or being subject to his abuse?

Not condoning or trying to excuse his behaviour. But sounds to me like he’s struggling with his mental health. Which may never have been great if he’s been prone to addiction. Poor mental health can result in angry outbursts. If he’s a mature man, he’d recognise that, remove himself from you and the kids while he’s unwell and seek treatment, e.g. therapy or support groups for fathers of disabled children.

But if he won’t accept his behaviour is unacceptable and damaging, and refuses to leave your home, suggest you speak to a domestic abuse agency (and council homelessness/housing options) service asap. You’ll be entitled to temporary accommodation and/or help to access/afford a private rental while the house is sold.

One option for your housing could be shared ownership. You obvs also need to see a solicitor about the divorce. You may want to ask local groups for parents of disabled children if they could recommend a good solicitor who has experience in divorce with disabled children.

Wishing you all the best. You can do this 💐

And his behaviour?

Oh I know, sometimes it's really obvious. But still there are many many women who can never put themselves in another woman's shoes - only a mans.

Sorry, but I cannot get past someone choosing a partner 30 years older and THEN deciding to have one child, and then another with him. Older men fathering children increases risks of ill health in those children. What did you think would happen OP? You are going straight from caring for children into caring for an older man, and all the issues that goes with that. Poor choices. And it’s difficult to see how this resolves well for all of you.

Your situation is fairly complicated so you definitely need legal advice asap.

It doesn’t sound like he would even want the DC overnight so that’s a consideration. Did you ring fence the money you used to pay off the mortgage?

"Most people shout at their kids" just doesn't excuse him shutting himself away, doing fuck all to help with his own children, and then charging through the house shouting and bawling at everyone. If anyone could be excused shouting, it's the OP - and she didn't.

Leave this old bitter man, before you wake up a widow in your 60s, wishing you'd been able to enjoy the last twenty years instead of caring for a bully.

Don't assume they're all women. I'm sure some are, but we definitely have a significant cohort of men posing as women on here.

I think most people shout at their kids, it's very common. I see people shouting at kids all the time no matter where I go. I think most people swear around their kids as well - i hear kids in primary school swearing every day...

I don't think kids should be speaking back when getting a telling off, it's cheeky and rude. Absolute no-no for me

OP said she was pass agg. which as she said isn't ideal however the father should be paying attention to whats going on and also be parenting their kids.

Surprised to read the DH is 68 and still working - i would think he is tired and expected to be having a quieter life at his age.

That's still nothing to do with a man behaving like an ogre towards his wife and the children he chose to have, knowing how old he was, and the wife being told that she needs to be more empathetic and understanding. The problem here is not merely that he's tired.

Quite. It never changes.

And yet again women and mothers are making all the excuses they can scrabble around for him and reserving all their judgement for the OP and apparently a 9 year old child.

To be fair - the change I've seen in a dear friend who is nearly 70 has been breath taking. The age difference between us (20 years) has never been a problem before but since she hit around 68 her energy levels have changed - she mentions her age all the time - she slowing down quite a bit and unable to cope with a lot of stuff. I've had to step in a few times to support her.

I agree with all of the above except to say that he presumably had agency when he made those choices? Unless he was somehow trapped in to fatherhood, and even then, he will have played an active part in conception!

I think he sounds like someone with an avoidant personality who has never taken proper responsibility for himself, his choices, or his family. And he is now angry that he doesn’t have the freedom to do exactly as he pleases.

I think that now his frustration has spilled out on to the children op, it doesn’t leave you much option but to leave. I mean, it’s not good that he seems to be full of resentment and anger towards you, but at least you can make a choice as to how you respond and a child can’t do that.

It’s so sad that your dh is choosing to act in such an immature way when it’s no one’s fault that your dc need extra care. He should be buoying everyone up when it gets too much but to rant and rave on a special holiday is nothing but pure selfishness.

Good luck op with whatever you decide to do.

You need to be very careful on the pension front. If he takes it (retires) then you may not be entitled to it, especially if it's a DB pension.

Try to get counselling for all your sakes.
Spoken as one who left a marriage.

She’s 9. Honestly blows my mind that you’re defending a grown man against a 9 year old child.

It sounds like he feels like he 'lost' his 20s and 30s to addiction, so he's tried to make up for that by having the family most people have in their 20s/30s in his 50s, but is an old man and can't actually manage that, especially as the kids are high needs. None of which excuses his behaviour to you. It also sounds as if he's not used to having to be responsible for other people - addiction is essentially selfish, as it means you only care about your addiction, and during that time other people looked after him so he's got used to that. Essentially he's an immature manchild in an old(er) man's body.

I'm absolutely fascinated about what drew you to him in the first place OP - but that's me because I volunteer with addicts and it's besides the point here. Addicts - even ex-addicts - are always tricky. You do need to leave him if this is how he's treating you and the kids. I wish you the very best with it.

You can't keep your children in this situation. You sound highly capable and he is bringing very little to the table in reality. His age has very little to do with it - my relative was fostering newborn babies with drug addiction in her 60s. People focusing in on how irresponsible you have been because of his age are way off the mark. His age is irrelevant in his behaviour. Someone above suggesting you were old is even worse.

Figure it out rationally and work out how to leave him. You do everything anyway and with him off your place it's one less source of stress.