To end my marriage tomorrow

I can’t think of a mechanism by which the OP conceived without him having a ‘say’…

In none of the posts you reference have the men been unable to give their partners the attention they want because they are the ones solely caring for high needs children, while also working full-time.

His insistence that his 'needs aren't being met' sounds like he wants sex. Which isn't a human right or even an actual 'need'.

So many pick-mes on this thread.

So maybe lowering your expectations might help.

Oooof….

Op what band is he in nhs, he can retire and return doing less hours but clahis nhs pension, has he already claimed his state pension op,

Your mortgage free so you get to stay in the family home until your daughter is 18 , then you sell ,

Is he threading to retire so you can not claim on hid nhs pension op, be very careful as this may be his plan op,

Well here’s another car crash of a post for you to roll and cross your eyes to. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break it. There may be no love or respect now, but there clearly was in the beginning or they wouldn’t have got together. I’ve actually read OP’s posts very carefully more than once, and there’s an intransigence in them that has clearly been a factor in the relationship ending up where it has. And I stand by what I said. There have been numerous threads on MN universally slamming men for allowing their partners to get to breaking point to get their attention. Which is clearly what’s happened here and indicates that he’s tried unsuccessfully to talk to OP until his anger and resentment have boiled over. Why is it different because he’s a man ?

Utter nonsense. If a man posted on here saying he was having to look after their two high needs children on his own while his wife got on with her own life apart from yelling at the children and being livid about not getting sex, then he'd have the sympathy of the whole site. Not that there's ever been such a post from a man in the years I've been on here.

He's 68. That's too old to have young children imo. He is going to tire much more easily than you. I'm 62 and my grandchildren exhaust me. Neither of you probably realised how tough it would be for him, you don't know until actually get older how difficult everything gets. Bits of you hurt for no good reason, things stop working properly in your body and life gets harder. Of course there are going to be people saying they can still do 100 press ups at 70 but for most of us mobility is affected to some degree, it's harder to stand up from a low seat for example. You need to ask him to leave both for his sake and yours and especially the children. He can afford to rent somewhere and have visitation with the children, he can stay at work or retire, either way he will have to pay maintenance. If you're on 29k that's easily enough to live on with no mortgage and you must be getting disability benefits for the kids. If you sell the house you'll get enough for a deposit on shared ownership or you could rent and claim Universal Credit. He's behaved really badly but please consider how hard it is for him at the age he is. He doesn't feel anything like as fit as you.

Lots of misandry at play on this thread - much of it undisguised too. How about he’s angry because OP is focusing on their children to the exclusion of all else - even when there is no medical need for her to do so ? How about he’s angry because he’s tried to talk to OP about how he feels and has been dismissed until his frustration at not being listened to has boiled over into an angry and aggressive exchange in front of his children ?

As I’ve said several times, if a man had posted similarly, it would immediately have been pointed out that he was an arsehole for allowing the situation to get to the point where his wife had to have a major meltdown in order to get his attention.

Whose idea was it to have children op? Did he get a say? Has the medical equipment worked that you took the loan out for? He sounds depressed. He’s old , wants to chill and retiree and he can’t. He shouldn’t be snapping at the kids or you .

I just don’t understand his anger towards me
@Shedding123
I'd say he's angry because he feels threatened. He wants to believe that he is the prize, the important one and you should be focusing on him rather than spending your time and attention on your children. His ego is threatened because deep down he knows that you're a much better person but he wants to carry on indulging himself and ignoring his responsibilities.
I think I would adopt a persona and pretend, keep things calm while you make a solid plan to get rid of this waste of space person.

Agree, but it does sound as though neither party has given their future with children much thought, given DH’s age and past substance abuse problems, which usually come home to roost in later years. They clearly didn’t factor in that because of DH’s age, there was a much higher chance of their children having special needs.

It takes two to tango, so to speak. If he didn’t want another child then there’s a fairly simple solution to that.

you married a alcoholic who is 25 years older than you and you thought it was a good idea to have kids with him
the mind boggles

And the same could be said of OP. I’d be interested to know whether the enthusiasm for having children was equal in both parties.

Agree wholeheartedly. I also think the fact that this row happened in front of the children - not to mention some of the things he said during it - indicates that he’s tried unsuccessfully in the past to talk to OP about how he feels. The resentment was bound to boil over into a scene, and as I posted upthread, if a man had posted in a similar way to OP I think he would have been given short shrift for allowing his wife to get to the point where she had to have a major meltdown to get his attention.

When he was 58 he was playing his part in conceiving his second child. If he was already exhausted he probably shouldn’t have done that.

I’m almost 58 and I’m already knackered. He may well live his job (I love mine) but I hat doesn’t mean he isn’t knackered. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t look forward and wonder how the fuck he’s going to carry on working until the children reach adulthood.

I have 2 boys with autism, it’s not easy but he wasn’t 59 when I had them

He’s behaved like a prick but he’s old, he’s tired and all he can see is financial obligations for the rest of his life. And you should NOT have taken out a £25k loan that he didn’t agree to, regardless of why. How would you feel if he’d have taken a loan out for that amount that you didn’t agree with?

But I’ll never understand a 59 year old man agreeing to have children. He’ll be EIGHTY before they’re grown up.

He won’t necessarily be in receipt of state pension now - he may have deferred it if he’s still working. And as has been pointed out he may not have enough NI contributions for full state pension. If missing so much of his work life means he has no meaningful private or occupational pension entitlement then state pension is likely to be his only income on retirement, which could be the reason he’s still working at 68. If that’s the case then divorce would mean he would be considered to be on benefits (state pension is defined as a benefit) and he would pay the flat rate maintenance of around £7 a week.

To a point it takes two. That doesn’t apply on all cases.

However, the bit I think OP where you do need to take responsibility as such is having kids with a man who was not only late 50s but had previous addiction issues to the extent that he was out of work for years. Both are not ideal, the second is a red flag. I don’t say this to be cruel, what is done is done, but maybe owing this part of your story might make you feel less resentful. The man is 68. At more than 20 years his junior you can’t possibly understand what it physically feels like to be 68.

Agree. But if there isn’t any love left, then OP has to take some responsibility in allowing their marriage to get to that stage. It takes two.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

I think many of us women & men are guilty of loving kids when they are little & cute, but not finding the years of graft all that appealing.

OP I don’t agree with your husband’s behaviour, particularly calling a 9 year old manipulative.

I also think if my DH only came near me when I was thinner I’d get the ick.

But your DH pushing 60 having kids, dealing with addiction issues and now dealing with children with additional needs kids, it sound like it’s all too much for him. So maybe lowering your expectations might help.

So he has no point of view at all ? He just has to put up with the home situation as OP sees fit to handle it - which is prioritising the children above everything else, even when elements of that are her own choice rather than a necessity. Not buying it. I haven’t seen a single thing in any of OP’s posts indicating that she’s even thought about the effects of the situation on her DH. The fact is that he’s now an old man trying to grapple with having two significantly disabled young children.

At 41 OP can’t possibly know how it feels to be 68 and if he’s tried to talk to her previously about his feelings and been dismissed, as I suspect is the case, simply from OP’s attitude in her posts, then it was always going to be the case that the resentment would boil over and there would be a huge melt down.

I’m not saying he was right to behave the way he did, but it’s understandable and trying to exonerate OP from whatever part she’s played in his outburst - some of which is clearly indicated in her posts - by saying that he’s reacted as he has purely because he’s a man, is ridiculous and misandrist. If a man posted as OP has here, he’d be handed his arse for allowing his wife to get to the point where she had to have a meltdown to get his attention.

Did you read my post where I also said it doesn't look like there's any love left to pursue... It's kinda relevant to the point.

My maths isn’t great but by my calculations you were like 26 when you got with a 55 year old right?

Why? I know it’s too late to turn back to clock now but I’m curious and it may be worth unpicking why you wanted a man who was probably the same age as your father . And why he wanted a woman young enough to be his daughter.

At 26, the only 56 year olds I knew were work colleagues or family friends and I didn’t think of any of them in that way.

Again we can’t change the past but I think this is a cautionary tale. It’s not only the fact he was so old that was a red flag, but it was also the fact he had substance abuse issues for a significant chunk of his life. If someone does want to marry a significantly older man they should be at least as fit and healthy as they can be with great finances.

Responsible adults within a relationship, who love and respect each other, take responsibility for each others’ behaviour if they recognise that they are even partly the cause of it.

Well first of all there's no love or respect in thus marriage so you're starting from nothing. Even then, though, no... a grown fucking man should not be outsourcing his self regulation. "Even partly" can do an awful lot of heavy lifting. It's code for "anything other than endless coddling".

If a man posted as OP has here

Oh here we go. Totally expected after the car crash start to the post. Can't even read any further, my eyes are both rolling and crossing.