To end my marriage tomorrow

He sounds really horrible. Having lived with a secret heavy drinker for many years, I do think it very possible that he has relapsed though. I remember thinking my exH may have mild cognitive impairment but eventually realised that he often was extremely drunk in the evening but because his speech wasn't slurred and he hid all the bottles I hadn't realised. He was often very nasty in the evening too but the next day would act as if nothing had happened. Do you think that while sitting in another room he could have been drinking and hiding the evidence?.

Are you a man? This is such a male take on this situation. Plus the nonsensical mention of 'misandry.'

It’s not saying that at all. It’s questioning why the mother of two disabled children who spends her days working full time and looking after them, and who would be understandably exhausted by that, would choose to spend her nights doing essentially the same thing for her daughter when there is no medical need. I think anyone who can’t see that from the point of view of her DH is being obtuse. It’s not even about sex, it’s about intimacy, spending time together and allowing her DH to take care of her.

It sounds like he is potentially financially abusive and certainly has been verbally abusive...

I'm just confused about the huge sum of money spent on medical treatment. I really don't think I would have been happy if my DH had spent that, and took out a loan to do so! What could a child need that wasn't available on the NHS? ( I'm sure someone will advise me).
OP, you both sound very stressed, this may well be the final straw for you, but please don't do anything in haste. Take advice in real life, maybe speak to a counsellor. If you are going to separate /divorce you need to have a clear head and understand what is possible.

Oh c’mon - he may have behaved in a proper dick manner but that’s not fair to people who manage to move on from addiction.
This man obviously had a serious addiction and has managed to retrain, study to a good level and build a life beyond it. Leaving his dick head behaviour out of this I don’t think attacking him for an addiction is fair when an addict who manages a life beyond it deserves to have that recognise. It’s a bloody hard road and people who manage it have my utmost respect for that. No wonder there is still so much stigma around addiction, even when you fight it you will always be labelled with it as a negative apparently.

I have to admit that if I was young and wanted to have children there is no way I would be wasting my fertile young body and eggs on rancid old man sperm.

Of course not. What’s that got to do with anything ? OP isn’t being abused, she’s getting a reaction from her DH for a situation that she herself has had a hand in creating.

If he's already 68, he's old enough now, if he has sufficient NI credits, to claim it.

He can either defer it, in which case it increases, slightly when claimed, or claim it and spend it or claim it and pay it into a private pension pot for which he will get tax relief on. I'm almost 67 and claim and reinvest the state pension.

Although he's unlikely to have built up sufficient NI to be eligible yet for full pension.

What a mess. I think the maths are OP was 25 and he was 52 when they met. It might sound gold diggerish and mercenary but quite honestly absent ageing rock/film star wealth and a fair, well crafted prenuptial agreement to protect both parties it's madness to have even entered this relationship. And even that doesn't get round the potential issues of aged sperm although money will help alleviating some.

It’s not that simple @Mangelwurzelfortea - relationships are important too and if they aren’t nurtured they can die. It’s not a matter of prioritising his needs over the DDs, it’s balancing and recognising that a marital relationship IS important and to maintain closeness you need to prioritise it occasionally. If her DD needs her there for medical reasons then of course that would be the priority, but you cannot neglect a relationship for years then be surprised if cracks appear. I am certainly not saying this man should be prioritised, I’m saying that a marriage needs feeding occasionally.

Which presumably OP knew when she married and had kids with him. That doesn’t give her the right to prioritise herself and her children above him.

Do you tell that to abused women?

Give over, he's just a selfish old addict.

Not making anything up - it’s all there in OP’s posts. I didn’t say OP should be shagging her husband instead of sleeping in the same room as her disabled daughter but I’m glad you brought that up as an example.

If you read what OP said, there is no medical need for her to be sleeping in the same room as her daughter at all. She does it because she can’t sleep unless she is next to her daughter. That’s fulfilling her own need, not that of her child, and apparently is one of many examples that her DH complains about. So she has the opportunity to be with him in the same room during the night, to spend time together and take care of their relationship - not even talking about sex here, because intimacy comes in many forms. But she chooses to be with her child instead. How is that supposed to make him feel ?

Yes! Absolutely this.
Once I realised that it didn’t have to be all in that day it gave me space to breathe. A friend I confided in said this to me. They also said that when I was ready then that was the time and if it takes a few months or even years then she would be there still.
Even just getting the info and making quiet lists can help you feel empowered about the next steps.

OP do you ever spend time alone with him?

This. OP’s focus is on the children to the exclusion of all else if there are ‘many many’ other similar examples to consider.

Christ. No, that's just your specific take on the situation, which you've largely made up.

Thinking the OP should be shagging her husband instead of sleeping in the same room as her disabled daughter who needs oxygen at night because his needs trump hers actually blows my mind.

Wow, you're really begrudging the mother sharing a room with her daughter who needs oxygen at night because she's too worried to sleep otherwise? She should be in the bedroom shagging her husband instead?

That is an astonishingly hardline attitude.

If this was a one off meltdown then it indicates that he’s tried unsuccessfully to talk to OP. And I don’t think he’s just livid about ‘not getting sex’ - it sounds as though there is no intimacy of any kind, let alone sexual because OP’s entire focus is on the children. it. Why does she sleep with her daughter every night ? It’s a choice, not a need. What is that saying to her DH ?

He’s 68 and clearly struggling - he may be having age related or health problems of his own - how would OP know if she doesn’t talk to him ? And I’ve seen plenty of posts from men, not necessarily in this specific situation, but nevertheless being universally rounded on for allowing their partner’s feelings to get to a point where they have to have a meltdown in order to get their attention. And that’s exactly what’s happened here. He’s got her attention and now she’s gone straight to considering divorce. Which, under the circumstances, I think would be for the best because the whole relationship sounds like a car crash.

The OP has already said he wanted the children.

Well to be fair he might have thought she was on the pill etc. although at 58 I wouldn’t have thought he could conceive but clearly so.

No adult should shout at their children in the way OP describes. I’m not saying I’ve never lost my temper with my children but it’s more of a scream of frustration than repeatedly shouting abuse at them. Being aggressive to small children is not an acceptable form of discipline.

But the OP has said that's she prioritising her own needs, not those of her daughter.

She sleeps in her daughter's room every night because it makes her feel better, not because her daughter needs her to.

"Anger has been simmering in him for a while, he’s made digs about putting the kids first, not meeting his needs (we no longer share a room as I’m in with our dd who is on oxygen overnight and I can’t sleep unless I’m next to her, this is one of many many many examples)."

Lowering them to the level where it’s acceptable that he inflicts emotional violence on his disabled 9 year old daughter?

Seems to me OP has already lowered her expectations in that he is emotionally and practically absent / excused from family life and parenting. His absence isn’t enough for him though - he has to cruelly belittle and subjugate his wife who is picking up all his slack as well, whilst he hoards his cash, indulges in his hobbies and social life.