To end my marriage tomorrow

I remember him saying early on that 0% drinks are a slippery slope in recovery. He drinks around 3-4 a night and this does worry me.

Sorry i cant reply to all the posts, wish I could. Odd day here, travelled back and he just acted like NOTHING had happened. Morning kids, morning (me). Totally fine. Home now and I’ve taken out kids for fresh air post drive. DD has said once why did daddy call you a f’ing idiot? I couldn’t answer her as was worried I would start crying and not stop.
i will try and answer some questions that keep coming up-
why did I marry him?
I loved him. I fell head over heels; we met through work. He was charismatic, very clever and the kind of person everyone is drawn to. Amazing story of addiction - recovery, bad boy turned good. We shared a love of extreme sports and it just all felt wonderful. Our kids were planned and much wanted. I think he always struggled with their health issues, eg denied any problems until they were in front of him on a black and white medical report. I felt very alone at these times and took on role of primary carer.
I sleep in with DD partly for my own peace of mind and partly because her alarms go off roughly 3-4 times nightly and having to move from one bedroom to the next 4
times a night is impossible so I sleep in with her. Does he feel neglected? Yes. Did he help himself by openly showing disgust when I put on weight? No. He also chooses to stay on at work until 7/8 though could finish earlier as he finds “home boring” and says the kids only want me. He absolutely could make an effort more with them and eg cook dinner but chooses not to.
maybe I was foolish for having kids with an older man, but I lost my dear dad in his early 50’s. I don’t think young age = safety. Our dd condition is not chromosome related.
medical loan was for a therapy that helped that sadly stopped being available on the nhs 5 years ago. He don’t want to do it. I would do anything in my power to ease her symptoms.
I do put the kids first which I know will break many relationships. I also do believe he feels neglected but to me this necessitates a calm, grown conversation if he isn’t happy with family life, not losing his temper and then acting like it didn’t happen. I think it takes a special couple to parent through serious health and SEN needs and we have clearly failed.

It’s not saying that at all. It’s questioning why the mother of two disabled children who spends her days working full time and looking after them, and who would be understandably exhausted by that, would choose to spend her nights doing essentially the same thing for her daughter when there is no medical need. I think anyone who can’t see that from the point of view of her DH is being obtuse. It’s not even about sex, it’s about intimacy, spending time together and allowing her DH to take care of her.

Show me where in any of my posts I have said this. OP says herself that the only reason she sleeps in her daughter’s room is because it makes her feel better - she can’t sleep otherwise. It isn’t a medical necessity to be in her daughters’ room every night. She has the opportunity to be with her DH at night. That’s nothing to do with ‘shagging’ and nowhere have I said that. But it’s an opportunity to spend time with each other, reconnect as a couple and take care of their relationship. The fact that OP is choosing to spend this time carrying on her role as carer is sending a message to her DH that their relationship is taking a backseat to her role as a carer, even when it doesn’t need to. I don’t know how you come back from that.

Yes! Absolutely this.
Once I realised that it didn’t have to be all in that day it gave me space to breathe. A friend I confided in said this to me. They also said that when I was ready then that was the time and if it takes a few months or even years then she would be there still.
Even just getting the info and making quiet lists can help you feel empowered about the next steps.

Show me where in any of my posts I have said this. OP says herself that the only reason she sleeps in her daughter’s room is because it makes her feel better - she can’t sleep otherwise. It isn’t a medical necessity to be in her daughters’ room every night. She has the opportunity to be with her DH at night. That’s nothing to do with ‘shagging’ and nowhere have I said that. But it’s an opportunity to spend time with each other, reconnect as a couple and take care of their relationship. The fact that OP is choosing to spend this time carrying on her role as carer is sending a message to her DH that their relationship is taking a backseat to her role as a carer, even when it doesn’t need to. I don’t know how you come back from that.

It is made up. She (is it a she? Probs not) can repeat it all she wants: still not the truth.

It is NOT a one-off. He has spitefully spoken about retiring in the event of divorce so OP doesn't get any money!

I’m entitled to my opinion and have explained my reasons. I’m not victim blaming in any way at all - they are a partnership and both bear responsibility for the way in which the relationship is headed, but the theme here seems to be blaming DH for everything simply because he’s a man, regardless of the part OP has potentially played in forcing his outburst. That’s what’s nuts.

I’m entitled to my opinion and have explained my reasons. I’m not victim blaming in any way at all - they are a partnership and both bear responsibility for the way in which the relationship is headed, but the theme here seems to be blaming DH for everything simply because he’s a man, regardless of the part OP has potentially played in forcing his outburst. That’s what’s nuts.

Christ, are you actually the OP's husband? The extent to which you're excusing the man and victim-blaming his wife is nuts.

Christ, are you actually the OP's husband? The extent to which you're excusing the man and victim-blaming his wife is nuts.

Christ. No, that's just your specific take on the situation, which you've largely made up.

Thinking the OP should be shagging her husband instead of sleeping in the same room as her disabled daughter who needs oxygen at night because his needs trump hers actually blows my mind.

Except he's choosing to stay at work until 7 and he's choosing to go out and do thing on his own. Family life is secondary to him.

Others have mentioned the age difference. I agonised over getting married to my late husband because of our age gap—not as much as that between the OP and her DH, but still in excess of 20 yrs.

The only problem that didn't arise was having an older father for my children—I miscarried. DH was fit and healthy until he wasn't. He needed a triple bypass at 71 and had a stroke at 75. I lost him just over 6 yrs later. (Posters who have said that the OP won't have her husband around for much longer might well be wrong, though I have a relative through marriage who was left with a 9 yr old when her 69 yr old partner died of a hear attack.)

My husband was loving and I miss him every day, but being a carer was far from easy—especially since I was working full time and also had my parents to look after for many years.

Why am I saying this? An acquaintince was in an unhappy marriage. She was on the point of leaving when her husband had a stroke. She felt trapped into staying for years until she finally made arrangements which allowed her to leave.

The OP needs to decided what—if anything—she's getting out of her marriage.

With regard to dementia, I guess that's a possibility: both heart trouble and mini-strokes can give arise to this kind of angry behaviour.

He’s paying his way, so whether he’s being financially abusive depends on what he’s doing with the money he’s putting away. He didn’t agree to the money OP wanted to spend on addressing her child’s condition so OP took out a substantial loan. Whether or he was reasonable or that OP should have taken out a loan without his agreement is impossible to say without more detail as to why it was needed. I agree he was verbally abusive, but as I said, it sounds as though he is OP’s last consideration and if he’s tried to talk to her before and been ignored or dismissed then it’s hardly surprising it’s got to this point.

I’m not saying that OP is wrong to feel as she does, but it’s clear, at least to me, that she’s kind of checked out of the relationship herself because her focus is entirely on her children, even when it doesn’t need to be. That leaves little room for a relationship with her DH, or he with her.

It sounds like he is potentially financially abusive and certainly has been verbally abusive...

Could he have the onset of dementia, that can present as anger?

68 with two young kids and he's still working. No wonder he is tired and grumpy!
If ever there was an advert for not marrying someone a generation older, this is it.
Life doesn't sound great for any of you ☹️

It’s not saying that at all. It’s questioning why the mother of two disabled children who spends her days working full time and looking after them, and who would be understandably exhausted by that, would choose to spend her nights doing essentially the same thing for her daughter when there is no medical need. I think anyone who can’t see that from the point of view of her DH is being obtuse. It’s not even about sex, it’s about intimacy, spending time together and allowing her DH to take care of her.