To end my marriage tomorrow

I think this. He can’t cope. Many husbands do similar things but there is a world of a difference between a younger man, and a 68 year old.
Im early 40s and im tired as hell. My mum is 75 and her latest medical issue post two hip replacements & two gynae surgeries is that she needs me to drop her to appointments for regularly injections for her knees. That’s the reality of age.

Id say there’s a % of him being unreasonable & a % of he just hasn’t got the energy.

But there has been a queue of people stating that her husband is abusive, financially abusive, prioritising himself over the needs of a sick child, etc.

If you actually read the OP's posts, the are lots of signs that things aren't as clear cut as most people appear to think.

The OP chooses to sleep in her daughter's room, despite her daughter not needing this.

Her husband chooses to work late, but what does he come home to?

"I do spend 3 hours from meds- settling DD to sleep, but he chooses not to help, chooses not to come home for dinner first."

So his wife spends 3 hours each evening settling their daughter, then sleeps in their daughter's room. Does he even see his wife on a day-to-day basis?

The husband is financially abusive because he threatened to retire if she divorced him. Why did he make that threat? Did she threaten to divorce him and 'take him to the cleaners'? It seems like a strange threat for him to make out of the blue.

The OP hasn't explained what the private medical treatment was or why the husband opposed it. Did the NHS doctors advise that it had little/zero chance of success? Isn't it financially abusive to run up £20k of debt against the express wishes of your spouse? I can understand why the OP may have been willing to take the chance, but we don't have the full picture.

Sorry i cant reply to all the posts, wish I could. Odd day here, travelled back and he just acted like NOTHING had happened. Morning kids, morning (me). Totally fine. Home now and I’ve taken out kids for fresh air post drive. DD has said once why did daddy call you a f’ing idiot? I couldn’t answer her as was worried I would start crying and not stop.
i will try and answer some questions that keep coming up-
why did I marry him?
I loved him. I fell head over heels; we met through work. He was charismatic, very clever and the kind of person everyone is drawn to. Amazing story of addiction - recovery, bad boy turned good. We shared a love of extreme sports and it just all felt wonderful. Our kids were planned and much wanted. I think he always struggled with their health issues, eg denied any problems until they were in front of him on a black and white medical report. I felt very alone at these times and took on role of primary carer.
I sleep in with DD partly for my own peace of mind and partly because her alarms go off roughly 3-4 times nightly and having to move from one bedroom to the next 4
times a night is impossible so I sleep in with her. Does he feel neglected? Yes. Did he help himself by openly showing disgust when I put on weight? No. He also chooses to stay on at work until 7/8 though could finish earlier as he finds “home boring” and says the kids only want me. He absolutely could make an effort more with them and eg cook dinner but chooses not to.
maybe I was foolish for having kids with an older man, but I lost my dear dad in his early 50’s. I don’t think young age = safety. Our dd condition is not chromosome related.
medical loan was for a therapy that helped that sadly stopped being available on the nhs 5 years ago. He don’t want to do it. I would do anything in my power to ease her symptoms.
I do put the kids first which I know will break many relationships. I also do believe he feels neglected but to me this necessitates a calm, grown conversation if he isn’t happy with family life, not losing his temper and then acting like it didn’t happen. I think it takes a special couple to parent through serious health and SEN needs and we have clearly failed.

I remember him saying early on that 0% drinks are a slippery slope in recovery. He drinks around 3-4 a night and this does worry me.

I remember him saying early on that 0% drinks are a slippery slope in recovery. He drinks around 3-4 a night and this does worry me.

Apologies if anyone else has said this but debts come out of marital pot before things are carved up.

That is a huge age gap. No wonder he is tired but absolutely no excuse to treat you and your children so horribly.

"OP prioritise your husband's sex drive over your sick child you poor excuse for a wife. You are failing in life by not facilitating him getting his leg over"

We hear you loud and clear.

The OP chooses to sleep in her daughter's room, despite her daughter not needing this

Did you miss the bit where the OP said that her daughter’s medical alarm goes off approx 4 times a night, so if the OP doesn’t sleep in with her she has to get up 4 times in the night and go in to sort her? I’m 100% sure the DH isn’t volunteering to take on any of this burden. I’d sleep in her bed too in those circumstances.

You’re doing a great job OP.

Kids with an ex long term addict of his age was always going to be touch and go. I’d infer he may have relapsed.

I’m 55 and I couldn’t cope with a 9 and 13 year old let alone with significant additional needs. 68 is simply too old to be coping with work and children with disabilities.

He’s at the age that neurodegenerative diseases start to appear. 75-90% of 65-70 yr olds have some Cerebral Small Vessel Disease which can cause memory issues with mood changes and depression as a secondary effect. It doesn’t matter how young and fit he looks, my father always looked incredibly young and healthy for his age and still does but his dementia started around 70.

DH has been a massive arsehole but I wonder whether he just can’t cope and wants out. He’s gone for the slash and burn rather than the mature adult conversation which is in line with addict behaviour patterns.

But there has been a queue of people stating that her husband is abusive, financially abusive, prioritising himself over the needs of a sick child, etc.

If you actually read the OP's posts, the are lots of signs that things aren't as clear cut as most people appear to think.

The OP chooses to sleep in her daughter's room, despite her daughter not needing this.

Her husband chooses to work late, but what does he come home to?

"I do spend 3 hours from meds- settling DD to sleep, but he chooses not to help, chooses not to come home for dinner first."

So his wife spends 3 hours each evening settling their daughter, then sleeps in their daughter's room. Does he even see his wife on a day-to-day basis?

The husband is financially abusive because he threatened to retire if she divorced him. Why did he make that threat? Did she threaten to divorce him and 'take him to the cleaners'? It seems like a strange threat for him to make out of the blue.

The OP hasn't explained what the private medical treatment was or why the husband opposed it. Did the NHS doctors advise that it had little/zero chance of success? Isn't it financially abusive to run up £20k of debt against the express wishes of your spouse? I can understand why the OP may have been willing to take the chance, but we don't have the full picture.

I’m entitled to my opinion and have explained my reasons. I’m not victim blaming in any way at all - they are a partnership and both bear responsibility for the way in which the relationship is headed, but the theme here seems to be blaming DH for everything simply because he’s a man, regardless of the part OP has potentially played in forcing his outburst. That’s what’s nuts.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, that doesn't mean an absolute right to express it though nor to have everyone else agree with it. Maybe having expressed that opinion you could have the good grace to let it lie instead of completely derailing the thread arguing ad infinitum. The OP came here for support, not to be judged, not to be challenged on past decisions and sure as hell not for people to blindly guess at what else may or may not be going on in her private life.

Actually yes. I do think he has to accept he is second place when our children have high medical and support needs. I’m sure he is tired. But we talked about this pre- kids and he was adamant he would pull his socks up and parent despite age. I’d be a lot less child focused if he came home earlier, cared less about mess, helped bond with the kids more and be less angry. I think then there would or Could have been more intimacy from me.