To end my marriage tomorrow

Is he materialistic? As in nice watches, expensive haircuts, constant new cars? If not he may well be saving it somewhere secret or paying off some debts.

IKR? It was quite predictable that people would whinge and whine that OP isn't sufficiently cuddling her husband while he acts like an ogre and fails to parent. It was even predictable to see people blaming the children for being "manipulative" (horrid, but predictable; some people, for reasons we can only guess, prioritise a man's wants over everything and villainise anyone, even kids, who don't). But sneering at this debt being "solely incurred" as though it went on handbags and spa breaks... that is quite something.

I had made this point earlier, but OP may have missed it amongst the many, many other helpful replies she's had.

Thinking about it a little more, at 68 he's over state pension age, so he might be drawing that too. He also won't be paying NI on his salary.

Excluding any other deductions from his salary such as pension contributions, his annual net pay of £58,000 is £47,372, so £3,950 almost each month.

He's giving you £1,700. Where's the other £2,250 going??

It sounds like he might not have the full state pension available to him, but if he does, this is worth £230.25 a week, paid 4 weekly. No tax is deducted from this, but HMRC would likely try and collect it via a coding notice adjustment on his full time job.

To reiterate what I said first time - look for the paperwork - build up a picture of his finances.

If he is only giving OP £1,700 pcm on an income of £58k he's spending a LOT of money on personal pursuits, sounds very dodgy to me

Especially as the debt was due paying for their child's medical expenses.

No you're wrong there. If they're married it's family debt, it goes in the mix with everything else.
Just the same as the equity in the house - it doesn't matter who paid the mortgage.

Try surviving when your child wakes four times a night. Been there done that.

The only way you can survive is if you sleep with them. Otherwise you enter the torture of sleep deprivation where everything is 100 times worse and you can't cope with anything at all.

The idea that she's doing it even though she doesn't need to medically and she should be prioritising having sex comes from people who are too bloody used to having sleep.

If you have that much broken sleep then even if you don't sleep in the same room as your child what you want to do is sleep rather than service a man child who, let's note here, isn't helping out with the broken sleep issues.

The reason the kids want mum is cos dad doesn't give a shit and they know this.

@shedding123 as I was reading your first few posts, my thoughts were that your husband is behaving just like an addict. I was not remotely shocked when you mentioned his past.

you should not talk to him about divorce. You aren’t actually ready to make that change. This is something you plan quietly and announce once you have a plan where you can stop cohabitating that same day. Otherwise your children are going to be exposed to an extremely toxic environment.

I know money is a concern, but staying carries huge problems. Your children are learning that they have to moderate their behavior to not set off the ticking time bomb in the house. This is hugely damaging for their future friendships and romantic relationships.

Yup. As an ND person who has struggled with addiction issues, and now volunteers with addicts - I concur. Nearly all, if not all, the addicts I work with are ND. Self-medicating with drugs or booze is really common, particularly among older people who probably never had an official ND diagnosis as it wasn't a thing back in the 90s and earlier.

Lol. The only projection I am seeing is coming from you. You're just making stuff up right, left and centre, including the OP's husband wanting to 'look after' his wife and how she hasn't even tried talking to him about how he feels, etc etc.

Also 'misandry' is a bullshit term used by incel/Fathers for Justice types. They see it everywhere, much like you. Just saying.

The point about him possibly being ND, there is huge amounts of research that state ND people are more inclined to have addictions. With his age bracket, I can well imagine he turned to substances to mask a lot and feel like he was more relaxed. It probably made him feel like he was fitting in more too. Very big possibility.

That’s true before he groomed the OP he had his parents running around like lie arsed flys inadvertently enabling his addiction and wild bad boy ways. So always been ‘the main character’

As soon as you can, I wouls talk to school and other professionals about the possibility that your marriage is ending. Hopefully you will get practical and emotional support.
Do your children have ECHP (if you are in England?) .

I would try and get some help through social services, at least for long term planning.

Good luck.

OP, you are a decent conscientious person (unlike your selfish H), and I fear that if you don’t divorce him soon you will slip into becoming his carer. You won’t mean to, but I agree with PP that he seems to be starting dementia; he will become more irrational and difficult, and his needs will steadily increase.

Please leave before he can guilt-trip you into staying.

Your DC need and deserve your care, but he doesn’t. And his needs, after years of drug and alcohol abuse, will destroy you.

By the way, I’m pretty sure genuine medical costs count as family expenditure. He’s manipulated you into paying it, while he earns more. Unbelievable how he’s financially abused you. You will be so much better off without him.

Good spot. His contempt for the DD and her disabilities taking away from the flapping and fawning around this ‘charismatic’ character - he will probs retire anyway in the time it would take to divorce and continue his financial abuse anyway married or not.

Of course it is. This poster thinks this is your fault though. It's beyond me when you are doing all the childcare and working from home and medical appointments/admin but some people will always side with the man even when they call you a "fucking idiot" in front of your 9 year old.

I agree. However much of a risk it may seem to end this marriage. Seriously consider what you will be facing if you don't.

Leave before you end up being a carer to a 68/70+ abuser as well as your two poor children.
You sound like a hard working, caring mum who is getting little help or co-operation with your two children who have extra needs, whilst he sits in another room reading and explodes with rage at all of you because you asked him for help.

Seriously DO NOT BE TRAPPED INTO BECOMING A CARER FOR HIM AS WELL. Frankly, he currently has it made, with you doing all the child caring and running his household and going into debt to foot your child's medical bills.

His nasty moods will only get worse.

You are only 41 for gods sake. You and your poor kids deserve so much better. So sorry you are having to go through this but you have to think ahead to the future.

The thing is, OP, it's not totally 0.0% as it still has traces of alcohol in it. I think it's frowned upon because it is very much like the poison we used to ingest; It tastes the same; it triggers our brains the same way and opens up the old neural pathways. It wouldn't take much to go from 0% to the 'real thing'. I did drink the 0.0% in the very early days, but wouldn't now. It's a matter of personal preference.

Your husband has always had 100% focus on him, being an addict. He doesn't like it now he's not the centre of your universe. Your children are, quite rightly, the most important thing in all of this. I really do think you should take the necessary steps to extricate you and your babies from this blood sucking parasite as soon as possible. Sending positivity. You CAN do this! 🫂💐

I'm in the same situation. On a debt management plan after getting my daughter through cancer. Diagnosed at 14, she's 19 now and in remission until she is 30. Other things seem to be going slightly wrong now. Receptors. Possibly cushing syndrome. People don't realise how expensive it is to get through it.

No, I’m not a man. And I’m not presenting a male take in any way shape or form. And you only have to read through the thread to see the level of misandry and projection.

This character is doing so much harm to the OP and their DCs development already that she doesn’t need anymore excuses / reasons (secret drinking / alcohol relapse) to remove herself and her DC to better more wholesome and sustainable emotional future.

We all only have finite time, energy, emotional capacity and headspace - the OP needs all of hers for herself to support her two DCs - she can’t afford to compromise, divert or waste any of that on this draining, disruptive, disingenuous aggressive clown.