To end my marriage tomorrow

@Shedding123 you would definitely get the carers element of UC plus the disabled child element. I earn your salary and have 1 disabled DC and get both.

Or even some respite care with some additional paid help coming in

work payslips?
can you get into his email?
snail mail?

Or while he is in 'nice' mode maybe you could manufacture a conversation that could come round to what he earns and see how he reacts - eg it would be really lovely to have a summer holiday but I am worried about how we would afford it...

Tax return. They'll be something paper for tax. You can compare with what you have received.

He isn't parenting.

You are his maid. You are his soon to be carer. You are his sex on tap. You are his retirement financial security so he can retire.

I said it up thread. He resents the children because they've put a spanner in the works of his perfect set up. This means you are not fulfilling the role he expects you to. That's why he hates his life.

This man doesn't love you. You are just useful to him. Well until the kids weren't perfect. He is the epitome of selfish.

What was the last thing he did for you or the kids - is it something that should be standard and routine as being a parent? And then he expects a gold star for it by any chance?

Don't use ChatGPT for that. Talk to Citizens Advice.

I think you're spoiling him OP. He gets all his meals cooked, his children cared for, as much free time as he wants, and his mortgage paid off with your inheritance, while he keeps his extra money for himself.

I cannot see what's to keep you in this marriage except possibly finances and even that's questionable. You should definitely look into what your situation would be should you divorce. At the moment, all you get from him is a small percentage of his money. Split up and you'll still get that.

Ex H used to go to the shops for alcohol almost every day on his way home from work. He would drink all or most of it in the evening and throw the empties straight outside so there was never much hidden away in the house. 0% alcohol wine or beer bottles would be on display in the kitchen but he was actually going into the garage all the time and filling the glass with alcoholic drinks. I thought he had mild cognitive issues but he was actually just drunk in the evening. He could be really nasty in the evening and then the next day act like nothing had happened.

He might say he’s not depressed, but I don’t believe that. He feels trapped in a life that he didn’t anticipate, and instead of working with you as a team to figure out the best ways to mutually care for your children, he’s sat around stewing in his anger and being avoidant. Now he’s drinking again, and being hateful in front of your children.

Yeah, I think your marriage is probably over. It’s not healthy for you or your children to have to live anticipating his next outburst, and you don’t want to raise them in a household where his behavior is, though not approved-of, tolerated.

Honestly sometimes a bellend is just a bellend 🤷‍♀️

yes he’s been through some health issues and he’s survived his addictions

but he also sounds like someone who isn’t capable of being a provider and protector, husband and father - which is what’s needed here

also, instead of accepting this and walking away whilst ensuring you’re supported, he’s sat around whinging and drinking fake wine knowing what it could lead to - that is why he is a bellend.

what have you decided to do op, what are your next steps? x

agreed.
"We do have different parenting styles, he is much more hands off, kids should go off and play. "

I thought this was telling.. its not a parenting style, its an excuse to explain away all abdication of responsibility in favour of being lazy and selfish parent. ,

Its clearly the DH's voice saying he is much more hands off - as thought that's something to be proud of.. it sounds like him putting down the attentiveness that OP needs to have to cope with the DC's extra needs.
And yep. I bet he does wish they'd go off and play so he'd be free to

• stay late at work after his shift,
• go into work for two hours every weekend day when he doesn't have to (who does that? is he really working?
• complain about his boredom at home when he is there
• play no part in helping the children get to bed every night - a bedtime story is surely not a big ask from a parent?
• Head out twice a week with friends, he can do this because he doesn't even cook. OP has to cook his dinner after she's done everything else all day,
• spend time at his hobby. - see above
• Allow his wife to invest her entire inheritance into the house so that it is now mortgage free#
• whilst watching her go into debt to finance DD's medical needs because they have NO savings, despite no information about what he does with the rest of his salary after the £1700 monthly allowance - so it sounds like there is no sharing of finances.

Something doesn't add up. Emotionally and financially abusive, Prior long term addiction, stays later at work than necessary, goes in on Saturday and Sunday when he's not expected to...claims to have no savings yet large portion of his salary is unaccouted for... and he can do this because OP used her inheritance to pay off the mortgage.

Something stinks here.

In that case you might actually be better off divorced.

What kind of husband lets his wife go into debt for medical expenses, while he is keeping a huge chunk of his salary to himself without any discussion of where its going.

Quite apart from the moral issues, it makes no financial sense, as a partnership, to have debts costing you interest when you could pay them off quicker.

You definitely need to do some detective work and find out what's happening financially. Get ducks in a row before announcing/making changes to your home life. It would be terrible if he left the marriage with a big stash of £££ while you left with debt!

Though I would very much hope that a decent lawyer would work a divorce so you'd get to keep the house, certainly while kids are below 18. Sounds like they need that stability.

If he was contracted out he won't get the full state pension. I was contacted out as I worked in local government, I don't get that amount. Clearly my local government pension more than makes up for it. But factually, I don't get the full amount. ( despite having the years required)

Have you considered gambling? He may have addictions that are easier to hide.