To end my marriage tomorrow

Hope the week has gone ok OP. Im assuming you're back from your break away that got spoiled

I must have misunderstood your post. Apologies

Yep, that's all I was suggesting too. Someone asked whether I wished my mother stayed with my awful birth father - absolutely not. I'm not saying stay unduly, just tread carefully before jumping ship. Also if it is an abusive situation, the most dangerous time for a woman is when she's planning to leave anyway.

And everyone here has expressly advised the OP to seek legal, financial guidance etc.

My mother walked out on my emotionally abusive father with nothing but the clothes on her back. Yes it was a struggle but she was free from the abuse which she had endured for years and I know her only regret is not leaving sooner.

Absolutely not, but I wish she would have had really solid (ideally professional) financial advice to help her first. It really was all on her as she was left with us kids. In our specific situation she was deeply unhappy but not in an abusive situation.

But surely that was a very real possibility from the outset given his age?

Why are all you women arguing between each other ! Just ignore each other
it’s the OP thread

Stop minimising it - it wasn’t just a one off row that happened ‘in front of the children’ - he also intentionally targeted and personally verbally abused his disabled 9 year old daughter.
This is direct child abuse.

This was on top of raging at his wife in front of his children - this is also defined as child abuse by the NSPCC.

In addition we know he is emotionally and practically totally detached from the family. This is neglect.

Yes. What about something like talking to him, about the problems and how it made you and your DC feel, saying something like I never want that to happen again in front of the children, we are to discuss things privately and politely if there is a problem. And on the work thing, you need him there more. He can talk too about anything which is bothering him

And then if this doesn't work, then consider your next steps.

Could be a plan OP?

Totally disagree.

This has now stepped into a new situation. This isn’t about the OP tolerating neglect/abuse herself - it’s about her stepping in to remove and protect her disabled vulnerable little girl from the wrath and emotional violence directed specifically at her from a vile aggressive man. This is now a child abuse situation - that changes the whole situation - the OP is now tasked with protecting her DD. If this continues to happen the OP has to consider herself technically complicit if she has not used her agency.

Bloody hell there are some male apologists on here. He has enough energy to do extra hours at work, exercise, see mates and do extreme hobbies while his wife who also works does the overnights and all care for both DC who have disabilities.

He’s a sorry excuse for a man and she’s only just noticing the scale of his abuse.

I get that, but I’m really not coming from that place.

I am concerned that the Op has two very high needs children, and that maybe even small help is better than being completely alone.

And I get that people won’t agree with my outlook on that. But I just think of things like what if it’s 10pm and there’s no milk. At least he could go to the shop.

It’s not meant as oh you useless woman you couldn’t do it alone. It would be really really hard practically for anyone to be with two high needs children alone.

What about just encouraging the OP to sit with it. To try to take a calm decision & figure out what staying looks like and what leaving looks like. Financially, practically & emotionally.

Not rushing to oh you’ll be better off, you’ll get benefits, respite etc. Which some people on this thread are

Just assessing the situation as unemotionally as possible.

And while his outburst was utterly awful, particularly aimed at a disabled child, being alone with two children seems like a very heavy burden to carry to me.

He’a clearly neither a great husband or father but is better than going it alone?

Because I am so, so tired of desperate and sad women coming on here, who are drowning in work and childcare and being treated like shit by the men in their lives, only to be told (by other women) their expectations are too high, they shouldn't have had children with him, what about his feelings/energy levels/social life/, and maybe they can't do it alone anyway.
It isn't about me, no, but it could be one day and it is toxic.

Did you mean to @ me? I’ve not said anything about his nice behaviour, or anything that could be construed as a defence of him, as far as I’m aware?

Yes I agree. I think it's very important not to encourage someone to stay in a relationship with a man who made her daughter shake with fear, I don't care how old and tired he is. He is hiding money, disappearing after work and at the weekends, and generally treating the OP with contempt. No amount of being nice and understanding that he is 68 will fix that.

No I’m not suggesting that at all. Can you not take my word for it. I don’t think she should “mother” him.

Course he should, but he’s not here the OP is.

Why is it important to you to “win” on a thread that isn’t about you?

But that's basically what you're suggesting because he's older. There is no excuse for treating people like shit, you could just be honest instead of being resentful and frightening your own kids. He should recognise what she is doing and feeling, not just she should understand he may be too old for this. They're married ?

Are you not implying she should stay with him for the money and cleaning despite him calling her a "fucking idiot"?

Never said she should forget what she feels herself. Never even implied it.

Nor do I think she needs to “mother” a 68 year old man.

I was emphasising - "Right. There."

And I think I did win. I'm not going to ignore you lying about what you wrote. The cheek of talking about helping the OP when your suggestion is she pops in, takes care of his "needs" and then goes off to her daughter's room to do the night shift. Where did you recant this?

Read my subsequent posts. Where I clearly set out my position.

And “winning” against me with a “there” isn’t helping the Op in any way!!

She didn't make it up. You said "They could still be intimate & then split up." Inference being why isn't the OP facilitating this. It is right. There.