To think my child is difficult

Nurseries frequently don't pick.up on additional needs, they put differences down to developmental rates. I would talk to school/GP about a referral to SALT. Could have a stammer, or other communication difficulty. He may be becoming frustrated by his communication issues.

When he starts a conversation like the one you transcribed, do you join in, or switch off? The thing that struck me was that he seemed to be searching for the word "soft", if you had supplied that, the conversation might have moved on.

A parenting class, if you can find an in-person, rather than online one, might help you to share experiences with other parents and develop strategies that you haven't tried yet. Sometimes you just need to find a way of breaking the cycle that you have both got stuck in.

Sounds like he is neurodiverse. I know you can't diagnose over the internet, but it might be worth exploring. My experience is that the gap with other children becomes more obvious in KS2 and he will not be picked up in school at 5 because he is still tiny and the behaviour is within the normal range, but when the demands get greater and the social situation more complex it might become more obvious. I know you say an adhd, or whatever diagnosis wouldn't help, but it would help you advocate for him as he gets older and help you to understand his needs as well as help his understanding of himself.

Yiu can parent like he has additional needs and use the strategies. Does a countdown work?

It might be a bit of trial and error, especially ré hunger and thirst. My 5yo is awful when hungry and gets hungry quickly. Whoever picks him up from school gives him food before anything else.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, there have been periods where I've not really enjoyed being around my son and the guilt I felt on top of the irritation just compounded it all to make me feel even worse.

I have a friend who's 4yo is waiting on a ND assessment, but similarly to your situation his nursery had not noticed anything - perhaps masking. She described behaviours they were seeing at home and nursery were shocked, he wasn't displaying any of that with them, but they are getting huge, explosive meltdowns at home amongst other things.

My DS interrupts and rambles when we read together too, it does my head in, especially at bedtime. Have you tried getting him to read the story to you? Doesn't matter if he can't read, he can tell the story based on memory or what he can see. I know there are probably other moments where he rambles and interrupts too, I don't have anything more useful to offer I'm afraid!

Yeah I didn't like 6 year old DS (yr1)

He has otherwise been lovely.

In general schools don’t raise additional needs with parents unless it’s bleeding obvious and the child is hurting multiple people a week.

this is because the average parental reaction is “there is nothing wrong with my child how dare you try to label them” even if said child has autistic meltdowns on a daily basis and is throwing chairs.

the parents after this conversation then usually refuse to co-operate with the school for at least a few months on anything.

so additional needs are generally either brought up by the parent or very delicately hinted at to see if the parent is likely to be receptive.

however it is not obvious your child has additional needs. He sounds within normal range for 5 if quite boisterous. I had one like him.

Sometimes you have to strip back communication. It isn't to do with intelligence. If your DS has a sensitive sensory system, and has less than brilliant impulse control, then his 'bucket' is already getting full before you even approach an activity. So setting expectations before you approach, then using key words only, helps with processing.

So with the trains, I would have said "It is busy. You get two minutes on the train, then off." Then, at 1:30 "30 seconds, Sam", "15 seconds", "3, 2, 1..off we get".

I get that he is likely to create a scene. He won't just say "Of course Mummy, I've had my turn and now it's someone else's turn!"

Honestly....I do think you need to see the GP and pursue assessment because 5 is too old to bite other kids.

I wrote YABU because all kids are challenging, but I do know a kid like this.. he is extra challenging. But then again his mother is really soft on him. He would hit and bite her.
Does he only treat you like that or everyone the same? How does the father treat you? Is he respectful? You need to establish yourself as "leader of family pack". Are you happy being in authority?
I think it's well in your rights to be able to read a book for half an hour with a 5yr old. He needs to get used to you doing your own thing and NOT paying attention to him. Constant attention may be feeding a vicious cycle. It's not easy but feeding it doesn't make it easier for yourself. I found things much easier once I took a step back and reprioritised our lives to include my needs too. I started enjoying it. I didn't want DS to take me for granted and expect me to be at his beck and call. If he moaned, he moaned! If he hit, all hell would break loose!

Good luck to you. It isn't easy.

Has he had a speech and language assessment? He sounds like he is struggling to communicate. There could be a language delay that's not been picked up because he has all the right speech sounds, it's common for people (even professionals) to forget there is the language part to development as well as speech.

Sounds like my DS, who is an adult now, he is not diagnosed ADHD, I did want to get him referred when he was about 6/7 but ExH and DM wouldn't let me so I just got on with it

My son definitely has ADHD, he won't refer himself because he doesn't want medication that will change who he is. He has grown into a very bright, clever, sensitive (not sensible 😂) thoughtful young man.

I have also been diagnosed.

Does he pick up on your hang ups about the floor? It won't be much worse than the floor anywhere else!

In that example I'd have gone home when he bit. I'd have physically got him off the train, held him and said "you've had a turn, now it's someone else's go, you have to wait 2 minutes before you go back, we can sit here until you're calm".

I found setting out very clear (simple) expectations helpful, with some sort of reward at the end.

When we get outside, you will hold mummy's hand and walk nicely to the park. If you do that you can have 12 goes on the slide etc.

Numbers of times on things were popular. It gave him some focus on arrival. As did distraction or pretending he wouldn't be able to do something. I bet you can't see a number 8 on a door type thing. Didn't like to do what he was asked, liked proving me wrong!

But he could only take one instruction at a time. For my daughter saying 'go to the front door, open the box, get your shoes and put them on' was fine even from a young age. My son, no chance.

You may need to change how you talk to him as well as the other way round.

In terms of expectations, no you can't have biting or hitting but perhaps let e.g the roaring go or build it into something. Before we go outside, let's see who can do the loudest roar, go.

Get him outside. Take a thermal mug of tea with you. It makes sitting in a park you really want to leave much easier.

Sorry if this sounds patronising. I get that it's hard and that some things just don't work.

@Letsgoupstairs i think my point still stands though - every age is different and has different challenges. Behaviour, interests and activities you can share change too. Little things like being able to go for a run with my 4yo on his bike have made a massive difference to my life. Little things like this change often x

Re the reading thing, sounds like he was interested in Mars, trying to say something and as he rambled you didn't engage with him. If he's problems with communication then why not engage with him when hes trying to talk to you, not ahut him down.

Ok, so regardless of diagnoses or not, you need strategies.

‘Mummy … mummy … you know mummy … mummy, you know, you know Mars is, mummy, it’s, Mars is, mummy, it’s not hard, it is not hard mummy …’

"Sam, take a deep breath, I'm listening. What do you want to say about Mars?" When he's finished "Oh, so Mars is <insert key phrase from his rambling>? That is interesting. Ok, let's read the next bit."

Sometimes they just need time and help to organise their thoughts.

The hitting:

The Red Beast https://amzn.eu/d/07MSJ5Pt is a really good story book. It talks about anger being like a red beast. As he 'wakes up' (gets angry), his eyes get smaller, so he can't see clearly. His ears get smaller, so he can't hear, and his mouth gets bigger, so he shouts, etc.

Does your DS seem worse when he's hungry or thirsty? DD3 used to get 'hangry' and when she was young we made an agreement when she was calm that if I said 'eat' or 'drink' she had to eat or drink whatever was put in front of her. I used to give her some orange juice and a digestive biscuit. I'd literally say 'Eat' and offer the biscuit to her lips, then 'Drink'. Within about 10 minutes she was calm. She just couldn't regulate her emotions.

Messy eating - try to pin down why. Is he distracted by his environment so not paying attention? Is he over excited so being impulsive/silly? Is he not aware of how hard he's holding something so it crumbles and crushes? Does he struggle to sit still so he's knocking food/drink over? Does he struggle with his motor skills? Is he clumsy so he's dropping it? Is he not very good at knowing where his mouth is, so he's missing it and getting it on his face? Does it feel nice to have sauce/chocolate around his mouth?

In terms of your relationship - go easy on yourself. It's intense and annoying. But also go easy on him. He's probably not just irritating you for the sake of it. Something is causing this, even if it is just immaturity.

The embarrassment does add an extra layer to it all OP I agree. Does he clash with you whilst out or other children?

I'd find him clashing with other children really hard to deal with. Could you set expectations before you go that you will warn him once and then leave? I know it might not be ideal with your other child but it seems like there needs to be a change if he's going to change.

Is he biting at school?

My son was a nightmare from about 2 to about 8ish. Honestly I felt like I was in an abusive relationship and I was walking on eggshells all the time trying not to upset him. Like you say consequences just didn’t work with him they’d trigger him and make things worse. We’ve had to be so so strict with him and no budge and inch.

If I’m honest I hated spending time with him, he’d ruin holidays, days out. He was constantly getting into clashes with other kids at school.

I’m happy to report he’s now 10 and lovely, he’s my little mate. I was talking to the vicar at his school the other day and he was saying how he couldn’t believe the change in him and how he’s so well behaved he could be the head boy.

My son says that he wasn’t in control of his brain before I’m not sure what that means but he’s like a different child. He’s now able to regulate himself like he couldn’t before, I sometimes see flashes of the old difficult child but I can see him pull himself out of it.

I just wanted you to know that there is hope