To think my child is difficult

It is very easily missed when the speech is there. It sounds like your DS could have slow processing of language, that could be what is leading to not always following instructions and being aggressive some times, difficulty in expressing language leading to the repetition of words but not really saying much (your example where he was saying mummy and Mars a lot), difficulty in turn taking with conversations- leading to the interruptions. If you go to parents evening and use the right language it may prompt them to actually consider where he is at. So say, I'm concerned about his language development, he can't seem to take turns in conversation, I'm worried that his processing of language is delayed as he repeats words and seems to be struggling to get out what he wants to say, he isn't always following instructions and can get frustrated and aggressive which could be linked to difficulty in processing language quickly enough.
This doesn't mean he needs to be given any lables or be diagnosed with anything. Just some targeted interventions could help him catch up.

"I could live with a lot of stuff apart from the aggression and whining about his turn. Makes things very fraught".

Children mirror adults. He does sound an angry, frustrated child, could he be reflecting and from whom? Do you see where I'm going @Letsgoupstairs

Could it help if you, verbally, would validate his feelings, not the action of what he's actually doing but you could acknowledge his anger ("I know you're angry/frustrated that...") but firmly state that acting out/biting/whining is not okay.

Tbh, the whining was my biggest bug bear, I just used to say "stop whining and tell me what it is you need, in a normal voice" (said with a kind tone, ofc) 😉

I'm a bit confused by some of your responses. You've posted specifically asking if you are unreasonable to think your child may be more challenging than other children. So people have answered your question, suggesting that you may well be correct and that it sounds like this could be due to SEN. This seems to have annoyed or offended you, but I'm not sure why or what you were expecting. People have also offered advice and strategies and these have largely been dismissed. What were you hoping to get from this thread?

If a childs communication and interaction seems potentially not in line with their peers, traditional rewards and consequences don't work and their behaviour can be aggressive with no discernible trigger then it would be completely illogical not to consider SEN. It's entirely up to you as parents if you want to do anything about it or not, but getting angry with people for suggesting it when you've initiated the discussion yourself is pointless. It's also ok for people to point out that your opinion that a formal diagnosis does not lead to any support and changes nothing is not everyone's experience. It certainly hasn't been mine.

In the ruling out other things, how's his hearing?

Obviously he can hear but can he distinguish sounds, pick up the right voice in a noisy environment? Has he had ear infections?

Is he a mouth breather or snorer?

My son needed grommets and adenoids out. Didn't realise how much impact disrupted sleep (he was in his bed all night but the quality suffered) and an inability to pick up the right sound was impacting him until after his op at six.

I have a difficult child (and 2 much easier ones). No SEN as far as I am aware. He’s 13 now. Always been very strong willed, energetic and clever. A delight when things are doing his way and a pain in the bum when not. Will argue black is white. Needs to be exercised like a puppy. I am a bit nervous of the teenage years!

But, I think he will do well in life channelled in the right direction. As I said, he’s very bright and people / children/ teachers seem to like him. He behaves well at school mostly. Gets very passionate about things. A strong personality can often be a good thing. I don’t think he is a people pleaser or will get pushed about. Which is good (mostly!).

No advice but hang in there.

He can get support at school! 🙄

Stick your head in the sand then. If he isn't ND then that is good but I don't see the issue with raising it.

Sorry, I don't think my post does say that at all. I'm really trying to help. Strategies for ND children help all children. Personally I agree with you re diagnosis, it's unlikely based on everything you've said.

What are you here for? A moan? Advice? Either is OK, but be clear. Because I think I've tried to offer advice and it's being met with a somewhat combative attitude.

your son is harder for you to parent than your daughter, who is more compliant.

I understand that you find him challenging, your expectation of him though, is somewhat unreasonable @Letsgoupstairs

He is a wee, individual, developing, human who has unarticulated frustrations (possibly, hence biting) who may very well sense your own frustrations with him and he feels insecure?

A quiet, compliant, stress-free life with our children is a total oxymoron, just not gonna happen, is it?

For you @Letsgoupstairs, when you get a moment, really think through what is happening here, your darling boy is really no different to all others, he is just being himself and he is not your easy going daughter.

You have issues with him being himself, I'm sure you do not want him to be something he is not, ergo you and only you need to unpick, exactly how to move forward, for the two of you, which will enable you to cope without suppressing his individuality.

I offer this response, purely as a complete outsider which may be totally off the mark for your situation @Letsgoupstairs but may give you pause for thought.

Our children are such a joy but our responsibilities to them are huge and overwhelming sometimes.

In regards to the 'rambling' op, it could be completely different for your child but these bullet points apply to my child diagnosed with ADHD

• difficulty following instructions (not refusing to, difficulty processing the instructions/forgetting what I've said)

• difficultly answering questions, he will repeat parts of the question back out loud before he can answer, to help him process

*getting distracted/drifting off mid sentence

*taking long pauses between words, struggling to get out what he actually means

*blurting out random things, interrupting sometimes. Struggling with turn taking in a conversation

It's not true that there is no help or support available, even if it's just in the form of information about his struggles so that teachers can be aware and break down instructions instead of giving loads at once and things like that. My child has a little whiteboard on his desk at school where things are written down for him for example.

Again, I could be completely wrong but you keep referring to this 'rambling' and as the mother of a child with quite severe ADHD I just recognise that something might be going on for your child.
Your attitude to a diagnosis not being helpful or becoming a self fulfilling prophecy is something I completely disagree with, but I'm giving you grace because maybe there is something going on and you're just at the start.

It is a bit of a lie that there is support available when you get an assessment. There isn't really unless your child is having massive issues at school. I really wouldn't feel guilty about that and I work in schools with ND children. Teachers respond to the individual child rather than the diagnosis. The diagnostic reports and the recommendations are actually very generic.

If you haven't already read them, there are some good books on parenting ND children. The strategies can work quite well for both NT and ND children. Or some of them do some of the time.

@Letsgoupstairs it all sounds very difficult and i agree he is too old to be biting as lots of kids do around toddler age. I also agree that without back up you will get nowhere and even with back up you can wait years to be assessed, is it possible for you to get a bit of time away from him to recharge and keep perspective? Also it might be worth contacting a neurodiverse support group and chatting through these issues, they may have strategies you could use and they may help regardless if your son is neurodiverse or not. They are used to dealing with lots of challenging behaviour!
Hang in there it will get easier!

Diagnosis or not you need ways to deal with the behaviour. Like yiu say, a diagnosis won't change him. What have you tried? Countdown warnings work really well here. As do removal for serious behaviour.

The screaming at you and the toddler I would let happen once and once only. The second time would be a serious consequence because that sort of screaming isn't acceptable. My now 9yo cared about screen time. His younger sibling less so, so we have a different consequence (toy removal usually, or physical removal because he's small enough to move!).

Your DH sounds problematic.

SEND has nothing to do with ‘beliefs and wishes’ - either there is SEND or there isn’t, it’s not about beliefs. It sounds like you are alluding to some black and white thinking from your DH, which suggests ND on his part.

You clearly have alarm bells ringing about DS behaviour, so you have asked for advice. I would meet with school and voice your concerns about his C&I and emotional regulation/sensory issues at home. They will probably have noticed some indicators but perhaps not strongly enough to raise a concern (yet). You can then go to your GP and request Right to Choose for ASD/ADHD.

And then…either he is or isn’t ND. ADHD is usually assessed from around 7, but can be a useful diagnosis given that there is treatment available.

(Similar DS1, diagnosed AuDHD, medicated in school, flying academically, now 13 and an absolute dream most of the time).

He can get support if he is assessed? If he is SEN and he needs support then denying him an assessment isn't really being a good parent IMO.

Just want to encourage to you OP. My younger DS was more challenging than my other 4 put together. He was never physically rough with other children but he was frequently bad tempered, would roar in anger, wouldn't refuse to listen to the mildest request - "Step forward or you will stand on/break x/y/z" and he would seemingly deliberately step back.

School was fine - he loved his teachers and they loved him but they agreed that he liked to be in charge. As part of the school council in year 3 he refused to vote for a certain action until the teacher could "confirm that the prerequisites had been met!" Entertaining though his speech and confidence could be it was exhausting.

The next bit will sound like a horrible boast but honestly when he was five (or three or ten) I could have written what you have written. The behaviours were different but the defiance and the challenges were the same. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Then he hit puberty and suddenly changed. At 15 he practically took control of his own life, buying his own food and clothes, found two part time jobs and worked his socks off through his GCSE's and A levels. Got engaged at 18, went to University near his fiancee's home town and got married at 19.

He took more parenting than any of the others. Once he knew what he wanted in life he went for it with a maturity none of his older siblings had. He and his wife set goals for 3/5/10 years. He's 27 now, working his way up through the company he joined when he got his degree, they have a house, a child and a 10 yr plan. He keeps his eye on all his siblings and on us as his parents, phones home every week, comes home to help his dad in the garden or in the house "because he is younger and has more energy and dad deserves to take it easy".

I'm wondering about ASD OP (sorry I know you didn't want the thread to go that way!) It's very unusual for a 5 year old still to be biting but what really stood out to me was you saying he had a very strong sense of justice and that is just so typical of ASD.

Do you think the 'rambling without saying anything' could be preseverative speech? I'd definitely bring it up at parents evening and see if they've noticed any communication issues. Don't expect them to be experts though because they just aren't. If a child is behaving ok and not falling too far behind then they probably won't be picked up. DS got to 10 before anyone even had a suspicion.

IME a diagnosis helps so much just in you understanding what the hell is going on.

Apologies if I've offended. My experience is 3 children with SN, all now in Special schools (2 for children of 'normal intelligence' but with educational challenges, one for children with learning disabilities). Only one, the one with learning disability, was flagged by preschool. The others were roundly invited l ignored in mainstream until 9 (finally taught by the SENCO and had broken down), and 15 (breakdown).

Schools generally do not flag SN unless there is a barn door problem. So either massive behavioural issues that place other children at risk, or so behind that they can't teach them with the rest of the class.