To think my child is difficult

One suggestion to help with loudness: loop earplugs (or similar) for yourself. The kind that let you hear most things, including conversations, but turn down the extreme volume. Just to help your own nervous system be regulated. I've got a (happy) loud kid too and it can really rub me raw when I'm stressed.

Wear ear protectors and get them for your toddler. Your five year old may not know how to regulate his voice and you are quite sensitive to noise.

The problem you are having is a lack if attunement between your two bodies and minds. He is triggering your flight reflex—you want to run and avoid him when he gets loud and uncontrollable. When he occupies too much space and time.

Does he remind you if your father? Brother? Siblings? Or your dh with whom you also can’t have a calm, empathetic, conversation?

Part of the problem is that you can’t enjoy your roaring dinosaur son. Dig down and ask why that is? There is a beautiful book “the unromantic child” written by a professor of the romantic poets about how difficult it was to parent a child who was not interested in any of the things she enjoyed—no wordsworthian attention to nature etc… You might look for it.

What do you actually want from this thread?

If anyone says your kid is perfectly normal, you argue with them, and give them a million of examples of why you think he doesn’t behave like other five-year-olds.

Then when people agree and say ‘OK, maybe he isn’t a normal five-year-old then’ you refuse to accept that might be the case.

How do you expect anyone to give you the advice or support you want if you won’t accept that your son is a normal kid, but also won’t accept that he isn’t?

What do you actually want people to say? Do you honestly want people say “yes, he sounds awful, you’re right to think he’s annoying and horrible” so you feel better about yourself?

Either you think your son is fine and have to accept that you simply dislike him for being a normal five-year-old, or you think he isn’t fine and you have to accept that he might need SEN support. You can’t have it both ways.

In my opinion, to respond to your OP- no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to think your child is difficult. A number of your observations of him highlight things that are challenging to deal with, just on a basic human level.

I have one very tricky child and another much more chilled out one. The contrast is stark and was noticeable from very early on. When I’m dealing with the rumblings of guilt about not enjoying interacting with my tricky one, I remind myself that it’s nothing personal to them and I’m only human. I don’t like being shouted at, I find oppositional conversations exhausting and the noise and frantic physical movements (sensory seeking), set my nervous system on edge. Over time, my body has been primed to be highly alert to brewing meltdowns so I can never really relax when I’m around them. That’s hard to say, it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, but it’s my reality. The fact of it is, those behaviours are intense and they have a knock on effect to e.g. my ability to keep on top of housework or motivation for anything beyond just ‘getting through’ the day. Therefore, it’s not just the behaviours themselves, in the moment, that are difficult- it’s the domino effect on everything else.

I hear what you are saying about ‘nothing works’ and that, for me, was the phrase that made us explore what was causing some of these behaviours. It was also helpful for me to realise that my other child seemed to be well-adjusted (for want of a better term), so I must have some ability to be a ‘good enough’ parent.

Talking about my experience only- when we looked deeper underneath the surface, questions about neurodivergent traits served as a lightbulb moment to me. It hasn’t changed any external outcomes but, if nothing else, has validated to me that I was right to find things tricky. I was right in crying with exhaustion because things were so hard, everyday. That going out was harder to make a success because their brain processes things in a totally different way- it wasn’t/ isn’t just me being a crap parent. It isn’t just me not being cut out to be a mum. The assessment process helped me to organise my thoughts about a very, very complex set of triggers, sensitivities and behaviours. I’m not sure I can say it’s made things ‘easier’ but I would say that any opportunity to take a good look at what is going on is a positive. A diagnosis is arguably neither here nor there, depending how you look at it. But a better understanding of what is making things challenging is valuable (for the whole family)- hearing tests, really exploring the communication difficulties etc can all be a part of it.

It sounds like a difficult situation for all involved and your feelings around the behaviours seem completely valid to me.

Threads like this always get completely derailed by people suggesting SEN and it's just unhelpful! I had a similar thread I posted on behalf of my friend who is having problems with her daughter, and all the comments were "SHE HAS SEN!!" when she quite clearly doesn't (as someone who used to work for an SEND organisation!!!!)

Tbf I’ve read your updates and apart from the biting I think they are all entirely normal behaviour for 5.

Take this one step at a time. You can go to the GP, you don't need to say that you think this or that is wrong, just say what's been happening and ask for help. I would also have a word with the school first, they may have noticed some possible issues but very often if it's not severe they wont say anything unless you ask.

You may well get sent on a parenting course in the first instance. I was sent on a parenting course even when it was bloody obvious to everyone that there was some kind of problem beyond just parenting while DC was on the waiting lists for assessment (oops sorry that word!)

The parenting course was useful. It gave me some strategies to talk over and try out and some of them helped because a five year old is still a five year old (even one who turned out to have autism) I got to meet some parents of kids who occasionally behaved worse than mine which can be comforting. We all sympathised with each other and supported each other. And it gave me a solid basis to say "well I tried this strategy and for my DC it didn't work, this is what happened instead" which is helpful for diagnosis.

A parenting course will tell you how to do things like consequences effectively and how to fit them in with the other stuff you can also do. Personally I laid off negative consequences altogether for a long time because they only made matters worse. Rewards (done properly and used sparingly) were much more effective. And the basics - shared attention, clear communication (taking DC's communication issues into account), low-stress routines and consistency (although consistent mildness!) got us through.

And if you do get assessments they wont just give you a label, they will also give you some idea of what is going wrong for your DC, and that's still true even if your DC gets no label (diagnosis) in the end. Are the problems communication? Attention? Sensory or stimming? Language or non-verbal? It's much easier to adapt your parenting when you know what your DC can and can't do easily.

Aware this might sound annoying… but what if you tried to be really curious about your son? View him as a little topic to be probed and discovered, neutrally without all the mum feelings. What might be going on for him? What prompts him to behave in that way? Are their patterns? Curiosity- and trying to park
judgment - is often a good starting point to building better understanding, which can improve your relationship (and over time some of his behaviours.)

My eldest child is very hard work. She is on waiting waiting list to be assessed for SEND but I’m not sure it’s a clear cut diagnosis - we’ll see what happens. Some of it is just personality I think. She’s very easy to anger and also has days where there’s a grey cloud over her. She’s been like this even as a tiny baby. I’m nervous about the teen years as we’re not quite there yet….

You’re not alone. I find that spending one on one time really helps with connection and enjoying their company, plus watch the diet as others have said

Are you a single parent, or do you have a partner or husband? How much does your husband or partner get involved in childcare? How old is your toddler? How would you describe your stress level?

The point is that you have to work out what works for your child. Consequences haven't yet, what did you do after the bite on Monday?

I've said I do screen removal, physical removal, countdowns towards anything ending or beginning, proactively manage hunger and thirst, pré warn when we go out. All of those things I learnt what worked for my child. Your child is reacting differently, so learn what works. What are they seeing at home? I realised I was overly shouty with my first and really dialled it down and over modelled not getting cross, doing things at a quiet volume etc.

From a personal POV the constant noise may well be his hearing. If he can't hear properly he will have no concept of how loud he is. I was that child.

And that is why schools don't mention observed difficulties in children until they are so obvious that they are impossible to miss. Has he had a hearing test lately? If not, I suggest you start there, a loud voice can be an Indicator.

Op I have a completely different child to yours and I don't know your child at all. I know I can't diagnose SEN over the Internet.
But your description of 'rambling' just sent my spidey senses going based on how my child communicates. There is no need to be offended by that.

Absolute nonsense he can get support at school

What makes you so sure?

Some schools are better than others, but my ND child has support at their mainstream primary school and so do the children of friends at other schools so it's obviously not a complete myth.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you're having a really tough time.

No one on this thread knows if he has additional needs (and 5 is still young enough where behaviour might point towards SEN, or it might be within the 'normal' range of behaviour). You're right though, SEN or not the challenges remain.

It sounds like you're a really good parent. Some children, for a whole host of reasons, are just more challenging to parent.

If you can, try to separate your son from his behaviour and address it almost scientifically. I'm sure you've already tried loads of approaches, but try making a list of ideas then try them for a couple of weeks, making notes on his reactions.

My three year old reacts similarly to your son if he feels 'told off', recently I have tried this really cringy approach: "Oh, you're such a kind boy but that wasn't a nice thing to do/say. Why don't you try again, I know you can do it!". It feels ridiculous when I want to tell him off but it works so well for him! Before I tried this I had used consequences, reward charts, explaining why it wasn't nice etc. Everything turned into a meltdown.

My 5 year old doesn't respond to this approach at all, but will usually stop if I give him a warning about leaving or a time out... they are all different.

You could also try speaking to his teacher. If you find out the behaviour process they use at school and this works for him, emulating it at home might help with consistency. Or they might be able to point you in the direction of some help. Barnardo's sometimes run drop in sessions for different issues. It can be aimed towards SEN children but rarely requires a diagnosis and often the advice works regardless of SEN.

Please try not to compare him or yourself to other children/parents. It's easy to assume parents with easy children are doing something 'better', but often it's the luck of the draw (my eldest is the one with diagnosed SEN, but if you judged me on his behaviour you'd think I was a much better parent than if you judged me on his younger brother!).

Ok, that’s your decision.

But like I said, what you’re doing now isn’t working so what next?

Even if you don't want an assessment you could try some of the neurodiverse parenting techniques to see if they make a difference. Sometimes the techniques are the opposite of traditional parenting which can escalate behaviours in neurodiverse children.

Severe consequences/strict punishments have the complete opposite effect on ds 6(who displays similar behaviour minus the violence). He's thriving now at home and school now his sensory needs are being met. He has a chewie which helps him concentrate and things like wiggle cushions/movement breaks at school. They also give him a whiteboard so he can write questions down rather than talking over people and interrupting. At home we use sand timers to help him understand when transitions are about to happen.

He is on the pathway to adhd diagnosis but he is honestly a different child to the one who started reception.

Is he in Reception? What is the school saying? If they report no problems, it means you have a home problem, maybe not enough boundaries or consequences. Young children thrive on routine.
With regards to hearing there should be a hearing test in Reception, they would have let you know if there was a problem.

Yeah you are one of those who think we are just trying to diagnose autism in all our kids.

What is it your actually wanting from this thread OP?

Several posters recognise ND traits from what you’ve written. Whatever you’re doing now clearly isn’t working. So what, carry on as you then?

If he IS ND, NT parenting strategies will not work. It’s not about what support you get after diagnosis (there isn’t any for you), it’s about understanding your child’s needs and adapting your parenting accordingly. It’s getting additional support in school. It’s your child having some validation and not growing up thinking he’s the “weird” kid, or knowing something is different about himself but not understanding what.

School may not have noticed anything yet, but there is still plenty of time for the wheels to fall off. School didn’t see anything with my child either, until they were 8 and everything turned to shit.

It really doesn’t matter about your DH or the strain on your marriage, if your son is ND then he’s ND and you will need to address that and get him the help and support he needs in school/college/university in place. If he is ND, his behaviour will not improve and if you continue trying to parent in a NT way, the strain on your marriage will be even greater a few years down the line.

I feel your pain OP. My eldest DS is now nearly 15 and wasn't enjoyable. I do suspect some form of ND with him but have never explored a diagnosis either. His sister was diagnosed at 3 and he has very similar traits but he is fine in school whereas DD struggles and has needed support.
What helped me was understanding how to communicate with him, breaking things down to now and next steps so now we are on the train and you can have x number of goes, next we will go to the soft play. Then giving reminders so after the first go saying things like remember you only have 2 more goes etc.
Doing countdowns to leaving somewhere so we will be leaving in 20 mins, then a reminder at 15 mins etc. This did not always work!
Consequences and behaviour charts did not ever work. He didn't give a shit! What did work was finding clubs and hobbies he enjoyed and kept his interest up. He was/is very sporty. We also had quite strict routines so he knew what was happening. This reduced the anger and outbursts a bit. I'm not going to lie though he was very hard to parent and many times I found myself counting down to 18 when he could leave! I tried reaching out for support with school and family support workers etc and no one cared or helped at all.
But at 14 something changed in him and he is now 95% lovely, he still has his moments and is incredibly self centered and wants things his way. Which if I can accommodate is fine. He mostly does his thing with limited input from me. He prefers it this way but knows I'm always around to talk to or ask for support from. He likes to control his own life and that's fine. He mostly makes the right choices and will accept guidance.
So hang in there OP there will be some tough moments and times you think you can't cope but you are not a bad parent and this isn't something you've done. You will learn coping mechanisms and finding him hard and not enjoyable isn't a mark of a poor parent.
Parenting boys like this is hard work and you need to learn to be kind to yourself. We are not robots and there will be times you get it wrong.
You've got this and you can do it.