To consider rehoming dog

I'm not suggesting anything over and over. Your OP said you used a trainer, I suggested a behaviourist because you didn't mention that until way later down the tread. You haven't neutered when he was a pup like you should have, it's too late now, fine. You haven't pushed to try meds despite many saying it they've helped their dogs significantly. Getting another dog was also a very questionable move, not sure why any professional would suggest that as you're just throwing another complete unknown into the mix.

You have kids, if they're older teach them proper dog safety, keep their friends away from the dog. If they're very young then perhaps you shouldn't have got a dog because this is the risk you run, animals are unpredictable.

Whatever you do, I hope you're comfortable with whatever decision you make. But if you ask AIBU, accept that some people are probably gonna think that you are.

Cool. How is this helpful now?

I still think OP didn’t research the breed properly first. I just googled and the first things that come up are anxious, separation anxiety. So if OP had seen that it’s not like she didn’t know. Or else she wanted a cute pretty breed. My ex boss had a King Charles spaniel that I walked sometimes. It seemed ok!

OP asked a question on Mumsnet, a forum where we discuss and share opinions. Whilst I feel for OP, my opinion is there is no cause to euthanise a dog who is not in physical pain, and who has not bitten anyone. He may be incredibly hard work, but my opinion is that he doesn't deserve to die for it, and I'd personally explore every other avenue before even considering that.

You seem very keen to jump down anyone's throat who has an opinion that isn't the same as yours.

How much is the dog left alone?
Is he alone when you go out to work?

Neither of you seem to have read OPs posts

this

Read the posts - she’s had 5 trainer/behaviourists

soemtimes this is the situation

Yes they do exist - you’d be surprised

and hopefully if OP is rehoming I know there is teh right help at doodle trust

This aligns with what the vets says

as well as the medication.

I bred a litter from my bitch who had the most amazing temperament.

i kept a female puppy from the litter and as soon as she got to be about 3 months old she became the most anxious and reactive dog. I was in shock as I’d bred her, she lived with 3 older dogs (all with fantastic temperaments). She lived in a loving, calm family home etc.

what I’m saying is that some dogs are genuinely just wired this way and it really isn’t the fault of the owner. It can be very difficult to get a handle on.

She was super anxious on walks, terrified of other dogs and would snap at them. Very fearful of new people coming into the home. But, thankfully she never showed any signs of aggression and I never thought she would attack anybody (she never has) she was just scared of everything!

anyway it took about 3 years but she did come out the other side eventually with a lot of training, accepting that she would never be able to be walked in public spaces where other dogs could run up to her etc. Very slow and calm introductions to people coming into the home and with time and lots of positive experiences her confidence grew and grew.

Now 10 years on, she still wouldn’t tolerate an unknown dog coming up to her (so I never put her in that situation). She is happy and accepting of anyone that we invite into our house. This is family, friends or complete strangers (workmen etc). Crucially she has always been fantastic with children and has always adored them for some reason so mercifully I never had to worry about that.

It’s a long and difficult road. Sometimes it works out and other times despite best efforts, it doesn’t. It sounds like you have tried so hard but to no avail. Personally I don’t think a dog should be drugged up to the eyeballs just to be able to exist but that’s just my opinion.

If you do decide to PTS it will be gut wrenching for you. But you cannot live another 10 years like this and it’s not fair on the dog either to live in this constant state of fear.

rehoming ‘might’ be a possibility but I would want to vet the people very carefully with full agreement that if it doesn’t work out the dog is to come back to you and then you can be the one to decide to PTS. Not sure if this is possible but it would be a deal breaker for me.

I had a dog like this and the dog ended up biting me late last year while anxious . I had taken her to the vet to be pts and the vet managed to rehome her to a behaviourist. Doggy spent a few weeks highly medicated and working with the behaviourist and has now found a home in the country side with a retired lady, where doggy is much happier. It broke my heart to do it but once she bit I could no longer have her in my home. Some homes just arent suited to some dogs.

I honestly cannot believe how many people on this thread are saying this dog should be PTS. He’s not aggressive – he hasn’t snapped – he’s just anxious and overstimulated. Yes, he’s growled – but growling is NOT aggression, growling is a dog communicating that they don’t like something. You WANT a dog to growl sometimes. That’s how you know they go through the appropriate levels of arousal rather than snapping out of nowhere.

If OP doesn’t feel she can keep him, that’s completely her business. But with medication, a quieter home and appropriate training, this dog could easily live a long and happy life.

They do exist though. My mum took on a Staffie that no one else would. She turned that dog’s life around. Admittedly, she is a bit of a dog whisperer though!

I did contact the usual charities about my dog that had become aggressive, it was purely to ask for advice. Each one made it clear to me that rehoming a dog that had displayed aggression was really not an option. Maybe I just got the short straw with the people I spoke to, but none really offered any hope of rehoming. One charity did talk things through with me, and helped me come to the decision to PTS. So, even charities agree that it's often the only option.

I can’t believe you’d consider putting him down because of this. He clearly just isn’t suited to a busy household. Behaviourist to give him a fighting chance and then rehome if still necessary (through a rescue charity, not privately).

Nobody wants your dog with issues. Better they are not more damaged by the rehoming IMO

My dog was super anxious being left alone and we got a crate for her when she was 3 (didn’t need one before as was on mat leave so could keep her with me most of the time unless at baby groups). We put in a small quilt, a cushion and some toys for her and now she happily goes in it when we go out, could something like this be an option to calm the dog? It’s also a safe space for the dog to go if the children are playing loudly.

If you can't trust a dog not to snap, even if they've never bitten before but their demeanor just signals that they will do so eventually, then it is time to PTS.

Some dogs are just neurologically wired in a way that isn't compatible for family life.

Your children are also only children for such a short period of time. They won't get this time back for play dates.

There are much worse things than being humanely put to sleep. Your dog is going through it right now. Significant mental distress and it's unrealistic to expect you to have infinite financial and time resources to throw at these problems. You have to consider your legal liability too if he does bite someone. You can't keep your eyes on him forever.

Dogs get out of gardens all the time, or people come in. Postmen, workmen, door to door sales people, engineers and maintenance teams. Doors get left open by excited children, or latches just don't latch properly. You would fry yourself mentally trying to be vigilant to avoid all of this for the rest of this dogs life, and yes it is true that if a dog gets canine cognitive decline or doggy dementia, their aggressive behaviours can just increase, and it's not always clear cut that they're in cognitive decline.

I have had to have a dog PTS under similar circumstances, but I had to reconcile with the fact I knew my dog was dangerous under the eyes of the law and being a responsible dog owner meant making the hard call. It doesn't make it any less hard to do, and it is heartbreaking, but if my dog was in an incurable pain in any other way I'd have also PTS, so the mental distress was no different in my eyes.

You need a dog behaviourist not a dog trainer, 2 totally different things

Sadly this is correct. Huge amounts of irresponsible cross breeding goes on these days, resulting in major problems for the poor dogs.

And no, poodles are not well known for anxiety, but anxiety is a common trait in many crosses which include poodle because the resulting dog has a bad mix of incompatible traits.

Yes, i was also wondering if medication could help here given the level of anxiety. Worth a try! There are some vets who are also behaviour experts so could prescribe if needed

Little cavapoo is anxious and barks when left alone, lets put him down - seriously?