24 yo DD is actively trying to pursue a relationship with a 40 year old, talk me down

I have a family member who married a partner 16 years older. The age gap has widened dramatically as they’ve got older. It’s no fun being a carer to someone 80+ when you’ve only just reached retirement age yourself. I’m with you OP, but you have to play nicely. I’d point out how old he’ll be when she’s 40. And how the age gap will widen at every decade. Then leave her to it. She’ll realise when she’s 40 how revolting it is for 40 year old men to chase after much younger women. (She does realise that if she did what he was doing she’d be chasing after 8 year olds 😜)

Hi..difficult one.
I'd be reeling if it was my DD (being honest)
BUT ironically when I was 20 I met a 34 year old and spent most of my adult life with him. It was an awful relationship with a deeply abusive man that put me in years in therapy with CPTSD.
Family hated him and it just pushed me 'closer' to him as i became so isolated (an abuser's paradise)

A happier thought is that after a lot of work on myself, I then did meet the love 0f my life and we are inseperable. We are due to marry soon and I couldn't be happier. He is 25 years older than me.

You are bound to worry x

How compatible do you think they are in expectation, morals, outlook etx? X

Yep. Until she asks "what do you think about the age gap?" the right thing to say is nothing.

Being horrified is fine but trying to talk her out of it, as the OP is clearly trying to do (given her comment about her DD not listening to her) will merely serve to push her away.

I have a friend (now 59) who actively pursued a 39 year old when age was 19. They were happily married until he died last year. A big age gap is not necessarily a bad thing.

The age gap has nothing to do with you I am afraid. She's 24, not 14. You are going to need to let go or you will drive her away.

Well I wouldn't like it either but I don't think there's much you can do about it.

not for or against, but even same age relationships can still be a mix of results

Id be horrified but Id slap a smile on and not comment

I got myself involved with a man with a similar age gap. One of my friends was married to a man with a similar age gap. Both relationships were a total wreck. Unfortunately you have to let her get on with it.

What else can you do, though? Even if it's an unmitigated disaster that all ends in tears, she's 24. OP has told her she doesn't approve already - what else can she do that won't just ensure OP tells her absolutely nothing in future or doesn't come to her if she does need support? She can be horrified, but ultimately she has to mind her own business - or she can piss her daughter off by pushing it which will make no difference, given that the daughter appears to have no interest in OP's opinion. And honestly, nor should it make any difference - she's an adult. Adults have the right to make bad decisions (if it IS a bad decision) and experience the consequences.

She's a grown adult. It's her decision and whether or not you like it isn't really relevant - FWIW I know a few very happy couples with bigger age gaps who are still together 20 years later.

She's 24. An adult capable of making HER OWN decisions.

The age gap is totally irrelevant; it's what they feel for each other that counts.

Keep your nose out of things that are none of your business. She might just drive a huge wedge between you if you try to interfere. Let her live her own life.

When you say she’s “trying to pursue” what exactly does this mean? Is he interested? Is she chasing him? Is he married? Where did they meet? So much more information needed!

Be careful not to push her away

He may be genuine and be good for her, if he isn't then you want to keep a good relationship so she knows she can come to you for support if things go wrong. The last thing you want is to push her away and break down your relationship, if she ends up in a bad controlling relationship with him she could end up trapped if she doesn't feel she can come to you, don't make her think you will say "I told you it wouldn't work"

I had a similar age gap relationship at that age. a friend of mine even married and had a child with a guy 20 years senior.
Ultimately neither worked out long term.
But then most marriages and relationahips don't work out long term.
If he is not drug ot alcohol dependant, has a stable job and is not an arsehole and is basicaly a normal enough person,
then I don't think there is any real issue with age gap relationships
Most likely the novelty will either wear off quickly and be will run out of money trying to impress her or she will get bored or he will end it for some reason or another. They might go the distance but if so then maybe its meant to be.

Do you think she has any chance of succeeding in pursuing him?

I would make sure not to push her away

Shes a grown woman

Her choice to make...

There's nothing intrinsically wrong about age-gap relationships between 2 competent adults.

Send her round to my house. 25 and 35 didn't seem a big gap at at all. WBut as he nears 60 and me 50, the 10 years is really showing. He's getting tired and slow and I really am not.
I also resent those 10 years of free spending he had before he met me, whereas I'll be supporting us both when he's pension age. I've always outearned him, but with both wages it's fine.
At 25, he was what I needed, but I did not think of the practicalities and will not be advising my dc to do similar.

The more you try to persuade her against it, the more likely she is to dig in her heels.
Is your issue just the age gap? Or are you concerned about a power imbalance, a complex history, his baggage...?
Building her confidence so she feels able to choose her relationships and voice her needs within them is likely the best thing you can do in this situation. Ensuring she knows she has a place to go to to talk about any concerns. But not trying to control her.

I wonder how many of those saying 'mind your own business' have a DD that age!

I'd also be horrified OP.

This, she needs to make her own mind up and you will just push her closer to him and away from you if you get on at her about it.
Tell her your worries but make sure she knows you're 100% supportive of her in whatever she does and welcome him like he was any "normal" boyfriend.

She’s a grown woman and she can date who she wants. It doesn’t matter what you think of the age gap because it isn’t your relationship.

One of my friends met a 40 year old when she was 21. I went to their wedding. They are now 41 and 60 and still together. Butt out.