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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

24 yo DD is actively trying to pursue a relationship with a 40 year old, talk me down

111 replies

ByKookyPombear · 17/02/2026 09:49

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

OP posts:
RunMeOver · 18/02/2026 13:30

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/02/2026 15:00

I have a family member who married a partner 16 years older. The age gap has widened dramatically as they’ve got older. It’s no fun being a carer to someone 80+ when you’ve only just reached retirement age yourself. I’m with you OP, but you have to play nicely. I’d point out how old he’ll be when she’s 40. And how the age gap will widen at every decade. Then leave her to it. She’ll realise when she’s 40 how revolting it is for 40 year old men to chase after much younger women. (She does realise that if she did what he was doing she’d be chasing after 8 year olds 😜)

Except that he's not chasing after her. According to the thread title, she's the one "actively pursuing" a relationship with him.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 18/02/2026 13:17

FrenchandSaunders · 17/02/2026 10:11

I wonder how many of those saying 'mind your own business' have a DD that age!

I'd also be horrified OP.

You can be horrified and mind your own business at the same time

Skybluepinky · 18/02/2026 13:13

She is an adult, just be there for when it falls apart.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 18/02/2026 12:30

@jacks11 My comment was directed at the posters who say it's none of her business, DD is an adult woman, say nothing or just say 'that's lovely'. IMO that is what a parent is for, to provide guidance and to honestly express their feelings and concerns. I couldn't imagine my child getting into a terrible situation because I had just smiled politely and said 'that sounds lovely sweetheart'

SixtySomething · 18/02/2026 12:17

Wolfiefan · 18/02/2026 11:48

@SixtySomething i suspect this isn’t real as OP hasn’t come back.
But in the event it is then this isn’t a criminal. It’s a relationship the OP seems to be trying to talk their daughter out of. We can express concern or say something worries us but it’s not the job of a parent to try and force coerce a child to end a relationship we don’t approve of.

Completely agree re coercion.
I didn’t realise there was any talk of coercion. I read it as loving concern. Perhaps open to interpretation?

jacks11 · 18/02/2026 12:15

hazelnutvanillalatte · 18/02/2026 11:32

Exactly! These threads are always mind-blowing to me with the 'what business is it of yours? Say you think it's great' comments.

As a mother, I would definitely voice my concerns out of love for my child. Of course you can't force her to do anything, but it's not about forcing - it would be neglectful to refuse to mention your valid thoughts and concerns, and say you think it's all nice and lovely.

@hazelnutvanillalatte

but that scenario is not what op has outlined, is it? Her post state clearly that op has voiced her opinion, possibly repeatedly from the tone of her post. Her issue is that her daughter “Will not listen”, not that she hasn’t been able to discuss concerns with her daughter or that she isn’t allowed to have an opinion (which I think very few, if anyone, has suggested). And lets be honest here, the issue, isn’t about the whether op is right to be concerned (which I think most people can understand), nor is it her ability to speak to her daughter about it because it seems like op has expressed her concerns to her daughter (which is the right thing to do). OP’s issue is that, having expressed her opposition, her daughter has not bowed to her opinion and has not done as she has been told, but instead choosing to pursue this relationship against OP’s wishes. Which is an entirely different thing, in my opinion. And, in my view, wrong on the OP’s part.

For clarity, I am not saying op should not express concerns she has about the age gap. I personally think that age gaps can work, but a lot depends on the situations and personalities of the two people involved- and I can understand a parent having a concern. That being the case, I think it is right that a parent has that discussion with ttheir daughter/son. However, I do think OP needs to accept her daughter has the absolute right to date someone older than her, if that is what she wants to do- even if it seems unwise from OP and other peoples POV- and op has to respect her daughters decision on this. Even though op clearly does strongly disagrees with her choice, she does not have the right of veto over her adults daughters choice of partner, or any other aspect of her life. She just doesn’t- even if her worries and concerns are valid, even though she believes she is trying to make sure her daughter is safe/happy/doesn’t make a mistake. Failure to respect an adults offspring’s choices and rights to make decisions about their lives for themselves i actually quite hurtful and can be very damaging to the relationship between them.

YankSplaining · 18/02/2026 12:13

jacks11 · 18/02/2026 10:59

YABU

you are entitled to your opinion, but other than expressing your concerns and explaining why you feel that way- which it sounds like you have done- there is nothing more you can or should do and is where it ends. Anything more is over-reach on your part.

Your daughter is, at 24, an adult who is allowed to make her own decisions, regardless of her mother’s views. You need to take a step back and accept her decision. It may be that the relationship is a disaster, but that is her mistake to make. All you can do is be sure she knows you will be there for her if she needs you. Push her too far and all you will do is drive a wedge between you because you are over-stepping boundaries, and the result if that will be a distancing of your relationship (in some ways) and she will find it harder to seek your support if she does need it.

As a parent you have no right to control your adult children’s lives- you seem to feel you have some right of veto on who she can have a relationship with, but you absolutely do not have that. Do you feel the same about other aspects of her life- e.g. who her friends are, her career etc? In all honesty, as a parent of an adult you do need to learn to respect her autonomy and right to forge her own path in life- she’s is going to make mistakes and mess up, as we all do. Hopefully, not too often and not too seriously- but they are her mistakes to make. Your role as her parent is to offer advice- preferably when your opinion is asked, for the most part- and offer support where necessary.

I speak as the child of a parent who did not respect my boundaries and felt they had a right to a say on how I lived my life (including who was, and who was not, a suitable romantic partner). I deeply resented them and felt absolutely undermined- it felt like they did respect me, did not value my opinions and did not trust me to know what I wanted from life or to make good decisions by myself. So, I simply kept them at arms length. I saw them less often, most contact was by phone/messages and I did not discuss my life with them in any great detail. In essence, our relationship became very superficial. I did not trust them to respect me or my boundaries, so I acted accordingly. I know they were very hurt, because from their perspective they were simply trying to help/make sure I was happy/did not do something I’d later regret. I’m sure that was, partly, the case- but I also think it was because they still failed to see me as an adult who had a right to make my own decisions, but rather felt they did have the right to enforce their views because I was their child (I think they felt the it was ok to try and control me because they were trying to make sure I was safe/happy/not making a mistake). The truth is that I did not need protecting from myself, I needed a parent who would be honest with their opinions but ultimately able to put those aside and support me (or at least respect me enough to accept my decision) where we differed. obviously, I don’t mean blind support, e.g. with something illegal etc. We have repaired our relationship over the years but it hasn’t been quick or easy.

Your attitude of “she just won’t listen!” reminds me very much of what I was on the receiving end of. It’s infuriating to be told that you just aren’t listening because you don’t agree with their opinion and/or won’t cave in to demands to change your decisions. The answer is- she has, no doubt, listened and understands what you think but disagrees with your point of view. And has decided to pursue this relationship because it is what she wants to do. You’ve told her what you think, now you should respect her right to make decisions about her own life. If you don’t, you may damage your relationship with your daughter.

This is such an important comment. My parents didn’t respect my boundaries either, and I felt it would be somehow ungrateful to do something they didn’t approve of. (For the record, they never said, suggested, or hinted it would be ungrateful. I’m their only child who was born after they struggled with infertility for a decade, and when you grow up knowing that you’re a dearly longed-for wish come true, that can be a lot of unconscious pressure to be not “spoil” that for your parents.)

OP, if your daughter’s not listening to you, that’s not a bad thing. That means she feels able to assert herself as an adult and make her own decisions. If she immediately quit pursuing this relationship because “my mum will be upset, and I don’t want her to be upset, and not making her upset is the most important thing,” that would be unhealthy for both of you.

tinyspiny · 18/02/2026 12:12

You need to leave her to make her own mistakes but do point out to her that when she is 50 he will be 70+ etc as that is when it hits . My sister has a husband who is 15 years older than her , it’s hitting home now that she is retired in her early 60s and he’s approaching 80 with numerous health conditions .

SmudgeButt · 18/02/2026 12:08

Maybe a nice neutral comment about her having their baby at 35 would mean that as he's nearer to retirement he could stop working and be a stay at home dad while she got on with her career. Might make her think more about what the age gap will be like later.

Wolfiefan · 18/02/2026 11:48

@SixtySomething i suspect this isn’t real as OP hasn’t come back.
But in the event it is then this isn’t a criminal. It’s a relationship the OP seems to be trying to talk their daughter out of. We can express concern or say something worries us but it’s not the job of a parent to try and force coerce a child to end a relationship we don’t approve of.

Tacohill · 18/02/2026 11:48

The more you push, the more she will pull.

Tell her it’s a large age gap but it’s her choice and you’ll be happy with her decision.

If she thinks you don’t like it, she is likely to do it more or not continue with it if she’s not happy.

If you’re too against it, she will continue in the relationship even if she’s not happy.

Its a psychological thing where people don’t like to admit to failure/making the wrong choice.
Creating a non judgmental relationship where it’s ok to fail because you’re supportive either way, will actually be way more beneficial to her.

SixtySomething · 18/02/2026 11:38

Bubble678910 · 18/02/2026 11:34

Yabvvu. She is 24! Let her go out with who she wants to!

Really!
What if it was a known criminal?

SixtySomething · 18/02/2026 11:37

Wolfiefan · 17/02/2026 09:57

She’s an adult. She needs to make her own choices.

So aren't adults allowed to have people who love them and are concerned for their wellbeing?
Would you still say the same if a mother was concerned about her DC's drug habit?

Bubble678910 · 18/02/2026 11:34

Yabvvu. She is 24! Let her go out with who she wants to!

hazelnutvanillalatte · 18/02/2026 11:32

NeelyOHara · 18/02/2026 09:59

Er, her mum? And it isn’t appropriate.

Exactly! These threads are always mind-blowing to me with the 'what business is it of yours? Say you think it's great' comments.

As a mother, I would definitely voice my concerns out of love for my child. Of course you can't force her to do anything, but it's not about forcing - it would be neglectful to refuse to mention your valid thoughts and concerns, and say you think it's all nice and lovely.

merryhouse · 18/02/2026 11:30

This would have been H's sister in 1998. They're still together, with a son (now Y9). Her husband retired a few years ago and does all the offspring driving as well as odd jobs for his MiL (take note😄).

Ahwig · 18/02/2026 11:11

My aunt was 22 when she met a man who was late 40’s. He was older than her parents. They were suspicious at first but then met him and liked him despite their initial reservations. He treated her like a queen and they were happily married for 30 years before he died. When he asked her to marry him, she said yes but that she’d be alone for a long time because of their age gap. He told her that she wouldn’t because she was so lovely she’d be snapped up really quickly. She did have relationships after he died but she never remarried as no one could live up to the high standard that my uncle had set . Not all age gap relationships are bad.

nutbrownhare15 · 18/02/2026 11:05

It's legal and not your decision. She's an adult and you can't stop her. Take a step back, you could explain that you have been worriee about X but tell her that you trust her judgement and she can always talk to you, there will be no 'i told you so'. Be open and curious or you'll push her away towards them.

nomas · 18/02/2026 11:04

Molluscsong · 17/02/2026 10:29

Send her round to my house. 25 and 35 didn't seem a big gap at at all. WBut as he nears 60 and me 50, the 10 years is really showing. He's getting tired and slow and I really am not.
I also resent those 10 years of free spending he had before he met me, whereas I'll be supporting us both when he's pension age. I've always outearned him, but with both wages it's fine.
At 25, he was what I needed, but I did not think of the practicalities and will not be advising my dc to do similar.

Are you happy? You don’t have to stay with a man you’re not happy with, no matter his age.

Netcurtainnelly · 18/02/2026 11:03

ByKookyPombear · 17/02/2026 09:49

She isn’t listening and I think the age gap is wrong.

It's not about you. She is 24.

.

PGmicstand · 18/02/2026 11:02

A friend of mine, at 23, was dating a 45 year old. Met him a few times, and he was great. They were together for 7 years, and broke up amicably.
It doesn't always work, but they were very happy whilst together. Ultimately, they wanted different things.

jacks11 · 18/02/2026 10:59

YABU

you are entitled to your opinion, but other than expressing your concerns and explaining why you feel that way- which it sounds like you have done- there is nothing more you can or should do and is where it ends. Anything more is over-reach on your part.

Your daughter is, at 24, an adult who is allowed to make her own decisions, regardless of her mother’s views. You need to take a step back and accept her decision. It may be that the relationship is a disaster, but that is her mistake to make. All you can do is be sure she knows you will be there for her if she needs you. Push her too far and all you will do is drive a wedge between you because you are over-stepping boundaries, and the result if that will be a distancing of your relationship (in some ways) and she will find it harder to seek your support if she does need it.

As a parent you have no right to control your adult children’s lives- you seem to feel you have some right of veto on who she can have a relationship with, but you absolutely do not have that. Do you feel the same about other aspects of her life- e.g. who her friends are, her career etc? In all honesty, as a parent of an adult you do need to learn to respect her autonomy and right to forge her own path in life- she’s is going to make mistakes and mess up, as we all do. Hopefully, not too often and not too seriously- but they are her mistakes to make. Your role as her parent is to offer advice- preferably when your opinion is asked, for the most part- and offer support where necessary.

I speak as the child of a parent who did not respect my boundaries and felt they had a right to a say on how I lived my life (including who was, and who was not, a suitable romantic partner). I deeply resented them and felt absolutely undermined- it felt like they did respect me, did not value my opinions and did not trust me to know what I wanted from life or to make good decisions by myself. So, I simply kept them at arms length. I saw them less often, most contact was by phone/messages and I did not discuss my life with them in any great detail. In essence, our relationship became very superficial. I did not trust them to respect me or my boundaries, so I acted accordingly. I know they were very hurt, because from their perspective they were simply trying to help/make sure I was happy/did not do something I’d later regret. I’m sure that was, partly, the case- but I also think it was because they still failed to see me as an adult who had a right to make my own decisions, but rather felt they did have the right to enforce their views because I was their child (I think they felt the it was ok to try and control me because they were trying to make sure I was safe/happy/not making a mistake). The truth is that I did not need protecting from myself, I needed a parent who would be honest with their opinions but ultimately able to put those aside and support me (or at least respect me enough to accept my decision) where we differed. obviously, I don’t mean blind support, e.g. with something illegal etc. We have repaired our relationship over the years but it hasn’t been quick or easy.

Your attitude of “she just won’t listen!” reminds me very much of what I was on the receiving end of. It’s infuriating to be told that you just aren’t listening because you don’t agree with their opinion and/or won’t cave in to demands to change your decisions. The answer is- she has, no doubt, listened and understands what you think but disagrees with your point of view. And has decided to pursue this relationship because it is what she wants to do. You’ve told her what you think, now you should respect her right to make decisions about her own life. If you don’t, you may damage your relationship with your daughter.

SorcererGaheris · 18/02/2026 10:58

There was a 14-year age gap between my parents, who met when my Mum was 23 and Dad was 37.

Theirs was a perfectly healthy, loving relationship. They married in 1987 and stayed married until Dad died in 2016.

Large age gaps between consenting adults do not, in isolation, equate to a problem.

I can understand parents having a bit of a bad feeling at first, maybe feeling a bit freaked out. But that's an (understandable) emotional reaction that isn't based in the facts.

BillieWiper · 18/02/2026 10:50

My 24 yo cousin dated a 40 yo last year. She chucked him because he was too immature! So don't worry it probably won't last. But she's an adult and it's up to her.

I dated a 40 yo in my 20s briefly. He was nice, it was fun. Just because you're 40 doesn't mean you're an evil weirdo.

SweetCamomile2020 · 18/02/2026 10:43

I dated a 40 year old when I was 21, he was a gentleman. We split up after a year as he never wanted to go out much but we stayed friends. I don’t see the problem.

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