Please tell me who is Being unreasonable

Do you know what? Yes she is 18 and she should be doing it all herself. But I think two posters have said two things that I think really makes sense. Firstly, I think the barter deal sounds great - She does it in return for her helping with something.

But I also think that this is going to be one of those memories that she treasures with you. My DS sometimes asks me to wash his hair for him and I’ll do it because when he’s older and washing his own kids hair I want him to think fondly back on when I used to do his. There’s no one else in the world he would ask to wash his hair other than me.

Yeah I wouldn’t be doing this.

even if she is doing it to keep “special bonding time” (vomits) I’d rather have special bonding time doing something we both like.

OP, there is a healthy middle ground between still doing your daughters hair as special bonding time but also not being her slave over it. You can do it sometimes but not all the time. Also look and practice new styles together that she can do. It doesn't have to be all or nothing...

She should go back to the hairdresser and have a wash and blow dry, and ask them to show her how to do it herself.

I had to do this recently with a new hair cut, couldn't quite work out what I was doing wrong, and the hairdresser showed me which bits to dry in which direction and talked me through it all as she did it. I can now do it myself.

If you want to find out if it's all about quality time together OP, tell her you want quality time with her while you're both loading the dishwasher, changing bedding, cooking dinner or mopping the floors 😏

I would try and find ways to help her manage her own hair-

Could she have it thinned a little so it isn't too thick to manage? (I have to do this with mine)
Would different hair products give her better results? I have thick frizzy hair so need to use certain shampoo/conditioner/serums that help tame it and keep it straight.
Would different straighteners help? I found wide plates easier for my thick long hair and I also make it easier by clipping the top up to straighten underneath then let that down to straighten the rest

I agree that it's about carving out time with you, rather than being specifically about doing her hair.

DD is the same age, and is currently teaching herself to cook before uni. (She loves baking, but has always loathed cooking)

She keeps asking me to supervise, even though she's perfectly capable to doing it by herself. So I do, even though I just sit in the kitchen while she gets on with it and occasionally asks my opinion on something, or rants about the unspecificity of a "Pinch" of this or "15 to 20 minutes"

Am I needed? No. Am I wanted? Yes. Its a good opportunity to just have a chat with her, and because she's like me at that age, she's deathly allergic to just asking to spend some time together. Theres got to be a reason for it.

The opportunities to spend that time with her are rapidly disappearing, so I'll take what I can get.

Aww, I still miss my mum doing my hair before I left home. It's such a nice way of bonding and feeling taken care of (I did used to do her make-up whenever she went out in return though).

She actually did my hair for a wedding recently when my salon appointment was cancelled... I actually felt quite emotional about it!

Can you try and find a compromise? Maybe she could do some extra housework or something so it feels more fair?

I think I would compromise. Tell her to do it herself and you'll finish it off. It gives her practise and will take you less time.

I think children can be quite clever about the ways they will carve out some quality time and possibly that is what she is doing here.

That would be plausible if she was 10. But she's 18.

Don’t feel bad OP, it’s a positive that she wants you near her

Again: she's 18. She shouldn't be so needy at 18 that she needs her mummy near her all the time to do things for her. At 18, if she wants to spend time with her mum, she should be more than capable of saying 'Mum, let's do something together' rather than 'Mum, perform this service for me because I can't be bothered to learn to do it for myself'.

How do you think 18-year-olds cope at university if they need their mum near them and can't manage their own hair?

WTF! ultimately we're talking about an 18 yo who can't brush her hair...

Do your adult kids still need spoon-feeding as well? You know, to maintain a connection with you.

I wish my mum could have helped me with my hair at that age. Used to take me hours blowdrying and straightening and i used to hate it and made me so unhappy.

There will come a time when she wont ask and wont be there and you'll miss it.

Oh, get a grip. She's 18 years old FFS, she can straighten her own hair and she isn't doing this because she 'cherishes the time'.

Oh God, your kids must see you coming if they wrap your round their little fingers like this.

"But but I waaaaaaant it muuuummmy!"

"Ok darling you should've clicked your fingers a bit louder and I would've jumped even higher for you".

I would do it for her, but if I was busy, or doing something else, she’d have to fit round me. It also depends on whether she is asking you, or demanding it I think.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

My DD is 18 and she normally wears her hair curly but when she wants is straightened, I do it. I am happy to do it, yes it would be a pain daily but she’s my youngest of 3 and the days of doing this are numbered.

Or maybe she wants someone else to do her hair because she can’t be bothered to learn to do it herself.

The only two options available are not

1. You style her hair for her on demand and
2. She keeps trying out styles in her spare time until she finds one that works

I think helping her for special occasions is fine, but not everyday. I assume she's going to move out at some point!

Why don't you make a nice girly thing of it together. Spend time together researching styles/ideas, go out to the shops together and treat her to some styling products/equipment, and then learn together. The first few days after, you can watch while she does her hair and offer suggestions etc.

I do think she should be able to manage her own hair, but don't just send her away to sort it herself without any help or any recognition that this is a big change.

And make sure you find other ways to have close, 1-1 time together.

Have you ever thought you may be overreacting and projecting?

There is. Nothing wrong with not wanting to do another adult’s hair twice a week. There are plenty of other ways to bond - does she ask to watch films together, go out shopping together, read the same book etc?

Grumpily doing her hair will not be pleasant for her and the posters saying it’s that are projecting in my opinion.

If she genuinely finds it that difficult to manage then she needs to have a keratin treatment and some styling lessons.

When will it stop? It’s feasible to carry on like this. She’s not a little girl.

I think children can be quite clever about the ways they will carve out some quality time and possibly that is what she is doing here.
Don’t feel bad OP, it’s a positive that she wants you near her and completely understandable that you find it too much. Maybe there is a middle ground.

Poor kid

She is 18. She is an adult for heaven's sake!

If she can't find a way to manage her own hair at 18 then there is something far wrong.

OP isn't her servant.

Yes spending time together and talking to each other is vitally important but it shouldn't have to involve OP doing tasks for her that as an adult she should be doing herself. Pandering to her DD over this is not going the young woman any favours.

This ^ 100%