Please tell me who is Being unreasonable

I'm going against the grain here OP - but I would love to have had a girl and been able to style her hair. Are you too busy to do it, or you feel put upon because you feel she should be doing it herself? Maybe view it as a lovely bonding experience instead? I talk loads when I'm at the hairdresser, there's something about having your hair touched/styled that makes you relaxed. Maybe your daughter really loves this time with you.

I have totally shit hair. It takes ages to dry it, like almost an hour and i cant not dry it because it would take days to dry. Then im another hour to straighten it.
Cant leave it curly because it isnt curly (think Hagrid but if his hair was bigger and frizzier!) so need to fight it straight. But the next day i need to fight it again because fuck knows what happens in my sleep but i wake up and its mad again.

For everyone saying "she should be able to do it herself" nah, some hair is just shite!

Theres literally not a soul whos hair i couldnt get poker straight in half an hour... Mine? Constantly looks awful.

Personally id do her hair, because i would kill for help with mine 😂

Maybe ease your way out of it by saying you’ll supervise whilst she does it herself and you can tell her if she’s missed any parts etc.

If it’s a confidence thing she needs to practice so she does get confident.

I wish my mum were still about to do my hair! I’ll do my daughter’s hair when she wants as I know she’ll miss it one day. Treasure it while you can.

Why on earth didn’t you just get a haircut you could manage? You were 18, not a child. Do you really think your mother would have nothing better to do than blow dry her adult daughter’s hair?

Nah bollocks, I didn’t read where the OP had agreed to lead a Downton service ladies maid type existence !

maybe (shockingly) she’d like 2 hours to do her own hair, read a book, masturbate, rather than do another adults hair 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Help her yes, become her hairdresser multiple times a week? Absolutely not.
I have an 18 year old.
She needs to practice, like normal 18 year olds do.
Mind yourself.

Just say no. I'm not a hairdresser. If you want someone to do your hair you pay a professional. Or you learn yourself. Not in a mean way but she's 18, not 5?
You could kind of do it with her to start with, don't withdraw it suddenly as she might find that a bit hurtful. But she really needs to do things like that for herself. You can have bonding time that doesn't involve you doing personal services that are usually chargeable.

My DD is 18 and we have a good close relationship but there's no way I'd be doing this! (To be fair she'd never ask me as she knows I'd be rubbish at it.)

Does she ask you to wipe her bum too?

Seriously, she’s 18 and she isn’t going to live at home forever. She needs to learnt to do these very basic task for herself.

Unless you’ve missed a huge bit of information like she’s disabled or has issues with mobility YANBU

It sounds like you are really frustrated by the demands she's making on you. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want you to help a couple of times a week - like other people have said, it could be a really nice time together - but it is unreasonable if she's expecting you to drop everything to do it, or do it to a level of perfection you can't manage. Or maybe you really hate doing hair.

Your relationship will be changing, as she's now an adult, and that's really hard to navigate. It sounds like your reaction is quite extreme and it's probably worth thinking about why that is. What is it about the request/demand that is bothering you so much? Maybe there's a conversation you need to have with her about independence and expectations. I'm laying the groundwork for that with one of my teenagers and it isn't being well-receivdd!

You can set some boundaries with her around it - you're happy to help but need notice, or if you can, or for a certain amount of time, or to a certain standard. If she doesn't like what you are offering, she can find an alternative - a different hair cut or watch youtube videos to work out how to do it, or do something to help you to free up your time to help her.

You don't sound like you're mean or unkind, just frustrated. And you say yourself that you know you are being a bit unreasonable, so it sounds like you're at a good starting point.

I don’t think it’s her way of spending time with you, I think you’re providing a service for her. Use the time to teach her how to do it. You straighten one half and she does the other, until she learns.

I'm sorry but if the best thing someone can remember about their childhood is their DM doing their hair for them - and doing it under duress in OP's case- then it smacks of a pretty unhappy childhood.

Think of all the other fun activities and hobbies and sports and games they could be doing with their DM that would create hapoy memories. Just remembering you forced your DM to do your hair when you were 18 doesn't really hack it imo.

You’re not being lazy, she is.

However I have to agree with the other posters that maybe it’s the quality time she values? Do you spend much one on one time together?

My Mum used to blow dry my hair until I left for university. I was very capable of doing it myself and I did do it when she was busy but I loved her doing it. I just loved spending time with her. There’s a 13 year age gap between me and my youngest siblings so we didn’t get much us time.

Ah bless. Frequently amazed by all the loving mothers out there. Mine would have told me to f off. Hope it all works out. Hugs.

That works depending on the length and thickness of the hair.

Mine is very thick and long and curly. Whenever I try to blow it out or straighten it it never, ever will be as good as someone else doing it. And that's with every expensive gadget and product I buy.

So I pay occasionally for a hairdresser to do it and commented recently to her, how great it must be to be able to perfectly blow-dry your hair everyday and she said it's never as good doing it herself as someone else doing it. And she has shoulder-length thin straight hair.

She’s an adult.

It’s your job as a parent to to teach her to be independent, otherwise how is she ever going to survive at Uni/living alone/with a partner?

I’m sure she’d also like you to wash her clothes for her and make her lunch everyday, but you’re not her servant and she needs to learn how to do those things (& her hair) for herself.

You can find other ways of spending time together that don’t involve you working and her relaxing.

If they can’t do it by themselves by 18 tough luck.

Comments like “poor kid” are the reason why children are not potty trained at age 5 and still have parents cleaning their teeth for them when they are at secondary school. Part of parenting is to force encourage age appropriate independence.

Stick to your guns OP. There are plenty of ways you can spend quality time with your 18 yo without having to be their on demand hairdresser.

I think that's very different to you being expected to do labour-intensive tasks that you don't enjoy several times a week.

When you have a multitude of other things to do.

The OPs situation would be more like your DD giving you specific recipes she wants you to cook several times a week when she just watches and eats the food but has no intention of learning how to do it herself.

And when you say maybe you could join in and learn how? She says no, you just do it. And when you have, I'm eating it then going out.