To choose football over son

If my dh’s team got through to the FA Cup final AND he got tickets (very difficult) then I’d tell him to go.

But if there was any way that he could watch the match at home (or en route in a pub etc if you say the shows a distance away) then do the show later that evening then that would be my preference.

Ime though kids don’t always think of these things the way adults do. As long as he has one parent (he would probably prefer you anyway based on what you’ve said) then he will be fine.

No he can't. The final will be at Wembley, hours from Port Vale or Mansfield and will end c. 5pm (if there's no extra time). Then. You have to get out of the ground in the crowds.

Oh that is a tough one.

When I was at school a concert I was in was postponed because it coincided with the FA Cup replay and they were concerned no parents or students would turn up, but the FA Cup was a much bigger deal then.

If it's one of the lower league clubs and you live in that area, I reckon the production will need to be postponed. I really feel for DH, as it's a proper once in a lifetime opportunity.

That said, there's a long way to go, and in his shoes, I'd have kept quiet until the finalistswere known.

This. It’s not as if he can’t watch the football. He just can’t be there.

I remember a work colleague laughing about the fact that he left his wife an hour after she gave birth to go to an away match (not a final). He said it was fine as she knew what it meant to him. Utterly unforgivable (they did and up divorced many years later)

The he can do both even if it's the last half of the show

Out of all the teams left, the two lowest are Mansfield Town and Port Vale. If he supports one of these two, he is not being unreasonable, although possibly slightly fanciful. Also in the cup still are Man City, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool. If he supports one of these teams he is being unreasonable. And a sliding scale between the others.

I'm a football fan. A cup final is often a once in a lifetime event if it's a promotion , it's a hard one , as a parent obviously you want to support him , but he will have his mum there, and he's likely to be in other productions. if his dad was working you wouldn't think anything of it. I can't think of a single event my dad ever came to of mine thinking about it. It was always just my mum. my dad and I were close forever.

Hmm I’m torn. If my team got to the fa cup final for the first time (well in my case it’d be 65 years this year) I’d be so conflicted.

I think you’re going to get different answers depending on whether people “get” football or not. It is notoriously demonised on mn. It is really hated.

Is your son bothered about his dad being there? What a dilemma.

Hopefully it’ll be a moot point because they’ll be knocked out (I know my team will be next round!) as I think all the smaller teams have tough draws.

I do realise that this is part of a disappointing ongoing trend though. One which I wouldn’t really have put up with.

Hope you can find a solution op.

To be perfectly honest he is not you? Everyeingle one of us on mn can say the usual leave him but he is his own person, he is a grown adult who can make his own decisions you cant dictate what he should do

Same he cant to you

There is only one performance. If he misses it, he has no further chance to see it. He also has a history of putting his needs and wishes above his family's. RTFT.

The point is that it's the first time his son has done something that is particularly difficult for him. And he's telling his son that he can't be bothered to put himself out to support him.

He's also basically telling his son that, for him, he comes lower in his priority list than watching football. It's a dreadful message to send out. He'll be able to watch the match on TV, after all.

Well I don't agree at all. How old is the son? How these things are framed is what matters. The father is allowed to have a life and have needs and wishes too. In a family there should be a balancing of needs. It would be an unfortunate clash but the father can go to the next performance. If it is explained to him in a way the child understands and in a way that doesn't contain op's personal feelings about it, it will all be fine. The son might even prefer only his mother to go for all we know, given he doesn't like singing in front of his dad.

His autistic son's first drama show, with a leading role, in circumstances when he hasn't previously been able to perform in public, is definitely a major deal. By contrast, a bunch of rich men chasing a ball around a field definitely isn't, particularly when he can watch a recording on TV.

Are they only showing it one time?

Does he:
Take your son to rehearsals
Talk to him about the club
Ask him about how it is going and listen carefully to the response
Praise him for putting the effort in
Enthusiastically listen to him practice at home and give positive feedback
Engage with your son on other interests and find something in common for them to do together regularly
Make your son feel valued and interesting to his father

All of the above is far more important than the show itself. If he was doing all of the above and had a once in a generation chance to see his team in the final, then I would say that is fine

But from your posts, I guess that he doesn't do any of that and that is the real problem not a hypothetical football match

He should prioritise the show, because making sacrifices is being a parent. But I’ll say this - I’ve seen my team get to the FA Cup final once in my half a century on this earth. Going to Wembley and watching them win was one of the highlights of my life, and I will never forget it. I’ve watched my DCs in numerous shows and can’t really remember them much at all. Being honest, they’re usually a bit tedious. You can’t blame him for wanting to go to a final that has been his dream for his whole life.

The chances of him getting an FA Cup final ticket were his club to get there is small, because of the dubious way tickets are allocated to the clubs who get there. A season ticket holder of 20 years did I used to work with not get one when his club got there, for example.

Probably a hypothetical question.

YANBU as it means so much to your son. But at the same time I do think it is poor timing to schedule a kids drama show at the same time as the cup final when it is foreseeable that a large portion of the audience would prefer to be watching the football - why choose a day which inevitably has to involve that sacrifice?

Also as an aside, I would be wary of making the show a massive deal to your son.

You might feel like you are showing you are proud of him but it might feel like a lot of pressure to him especially in the last run up to it. Nerves can really kick in a few days before.

So it's great he has overcome his shyness but you might not be helping him by saying "OMG, this is amazing, what a massive day, we will remember this forever, we never thought we would see this day" etc.

Be supportive but focus on the process, not the outcome. "It's great that you have been rehearsing so diligently. The teacher said you worked really hard today, well done."

Your son might feel there that you didn't believe in him being able to do it if you make a huge deal about it and then doubt creeps in.

This doesn't stop your husband being an idiot but just a word of warning ahead of show time. Be a bit more neutral to reduce any pressure on your son.

Can't believe anyone would do this, child should come first every time.

He should prioritise his child - more to the point, he could want to. The fact that he thinks football is more important and would rather be there, is a problem imo.
I don't think I could remain married to someone who put his hobby above his family.