To choose football over son

His child, that he chose to have, should be a bigger part of his life than football though. My husband is a huge football fan, has had a season ticket since his teens, treats it like a bloody religion and would be gutted to miss a match like that (his team never get that far) but he wouldn’t think twice about cancelling for one of our children. He would quietly be gutted and would talk about it with me but there’s no way he would miss an event for one of the kids. He’s missed important matches at the end of the season just for them to be able to go to a friends birthday party because he doesn’t like them missing out, because he’s not a shit father and puts them first.

This is not okay. And put it this way, your DH is only able to take that view and liberty because you are there to attend instead, what would he do if you were not around/available.

Did your dp at least show that it was a tough decision for him to make and he’s upset he will miss the show?

We’re a family who loves football and have all happily rearranged things just to watch big matches even just on tv but there are some things I couldn’t and a show would be that one. My ds (autistic) was in a school show once - he was brilliant, spoke clearly (he has a stutter) was a fab dancer (I didn’t know - normally has little coordination) and I really thought he would want to do more after the show. But nope, he was one and done so I am glad I saw him as it was one the best evenings of my life.

Am I allowed if it’s wolves? 🙏

I can see why watching the football would feel important to him. I really do.

But this would mean so much to your son.

My daughter's father has never supported her in anything she's done - gymnastic competitions, dance shows, parents evenings, nothing.

She's currently at university 200 miles away and is part of a competitive sports team. Next month, they are competing half an hour away from home. They competed in the same event last year too.

He didn't go because it was 'too far away'. And 'I'm important too'.

That's always been his excuse.

It's important to her.

Yes, but I'm important too.

She hasn't even asked him this year. She doesn't always visit him when she comes home for the weekend. She's learnt her place in his life.

He doesn't see that his years of antipathy where she is concerned have led her to feel unimportant in his eyes.

Her boyfriend of a year is travelling for 2.5 hours to come and see her. He dad of 19 years won't even travel a fifth of that.

It's not about adults having their own lives (I've still had my own hobbies and interests over the years) it's about showing up for them and what you are communicating to them about their value in your life.

Defo you are stressing about nothing. His team will not get there! If it is Mansfield then the drama show will be moved because there will be whole families going. Bill Shankly once said "Football is far more important than life and death"

Totally agree with @Jellybunny56. If the team is Man City then he should go to his child’s performance . If his club is Mansfield he should definitely go to Wembley

I am a huge football fan but this is ridiculous - his son is more important. It wouldn’t occur to me to choose football over my son.

I guess the atmosphere would be the whole point of it. If you watch Mansfield week in, week out then missing the FA cup final for a children’s show would be gutting.

I’m saying the DH isn’t being unreasonable with the caveat that he does his fair share the rest of the time. Like someone said upthread, does he take DS to rehearsals, is he there when DS needs support? That’s much more important than a one off performance IME.

If it is a lower teague team who are unlikely to ever reach another cup final, I would choose the football over some kids performance.

he could watch at home on TV, and then go in the evening? Yeah I guess the atmosphere would be different, but he'll still see the match?

I mean, if it's say Mansfield and you live in Mansfield, he won't be the only person who'd want to go.
If it's Liverpool, then he needs to go another year.

Surprised they are doing all that rehearsal and only one show.

I mean future other, different performances. I assume the child has not already decided he will never perform again. If he has then not sure what the big deal is. The problem with a lot of parents on mumsnet is they think no child should ever have uncomfortable feelings or be disappointed in any way. It is resulting in increasing sense of entitlement, lack of resilience and anxiety in the younger generations. Of course here things must be balanced as there are two important events but on this occasion the father's needs should trump the mother's (I don't say child's because we don't yet know what he child wants - interesting in itself- and the mother will be there so the child will not have no one there). If there is an ongoing problem with the father of his absence, lack of interest and domination of football then that should definitely be addressed by the mother, but not by way of a one off punishment of stopping him seeing his team in the FA cup final. It should be addressed more assertively and firmly throughout the year. In my view op's view is heavily influenced by her resentment towards the father and not even about the child's needs, or only tangentially.

Depends, if it’s Mansfield/Port Vale/Leeds/Wrexham then he isn’t being unreasonable but they probably won’t be in the final anyway so he’d be daft to be having an argument about it at this stage.

Can’t they change the time of the performance? It’s a shame they didn’t check what else was going on at the same time.

So, if you had pre bought tickets you'd be prioritising the money over your child because that's the only reason you'd go....

Going to a football match instead of doing something for your child? I'm sorry but that sounds so pitiful. Such a mug, football is a complete racket making people think this is "my" team and "we" are going to Wembley etc etc... it's all engineered to make money off you. The team being in the final is nothing to do with you. It's a mild entertainment for you at best, it's not your real life.

I was just testing whether I'd feel differently if it was for example an amazing musician whose music I loved and this was their only day playing in the UK for 30 years or something. Maybe I'd get it, a tiny bit more. But unless I had pre bought tickets I wouldn't go there instead of to the kids' show.

Having said that, if I HAD bought tickets I know my DH would do the best job taking child to show, bigging them up, taking photos and video if allowed, so I could see them. As I would do for him. I think it's important to be able to cover for each other.

Agree with this.

I am a football fan.

And yes of course I think adults should have interests but in this specific situation of an anxious child who finally has been brave enough to join something and it’s his first and only performance then yes - I think it’s more important than football. I like watching sports and my husband is a massive NFL fan but he’d miss a playoff game for my daughter if it was the only opportunity. Usually we split up so my daughter has someone at every performance but when there’s only one opportunity we both go.

I am assuming your son wants him there? Only asking because if he’s anxious and closer to you he might not want a massive audience (I have an autistic daughter who dances and gets anxious about too much family watching her at once)

If your son wants him there then he should be there. Full stop. This is a massive thing and he deserves support. Fair enough if it’s a regular occurrence or he has a lot of different activities but this is special and your husband should be there if invited.

Different sport, but if my team were/are in the Superbowl I wouldn't miss watching it for anything on earth. And it would be one of the most important things in my life if they won. But I would watch it on TV and support my kid even if I could get tickets. I think witnessing it would be the key, but wouldn't have to physically be there, when being physically there for a child, being able to sincerely tell them how great they did, and to hug them afterwards would mean more to them.

If his team is Leeds or Wrexham then I’d frankly understand it.