To choose football over son

Of course a show where OP's son has a leading role is a big deal, particularly as he has struggled with lack of confidence due to his autism. This is obviously a major achievement for him and his dad is being a dick.

Hopefully, his team will be knocked out well before the final.

I think he sounds like a selfish prick. Your DS should come first that shouldn’t even be a question particularly given how important a milestone this appears to be for him.

I mean - I have explained it upthread. It's a powerful sense of belonging and community. It links people from all different walks of life (men, women and children). It's a shared interest - lots of men in particular don't like talking about personal things with other men but get them talking about sport with a bloke from work and they can go for ages. I've had good football chats with call centre handlers before just based on accent. A lot of adults have been going since they were tiny with mums and dads they have since lost. You get whole stadiums applauding in tribute sometimes when a fellow fan dies, young or old.

I completely understand. I really, really, don't 'get' football.

It's not even as if he's playing himself! That's what I find so weird about football - at least if people were obsessed with playing it they would be the ones benefitting from the exercise, celebrating scoring a goal etc. - but it's just watching a group of completely random men who don't know you exist, and nowadays don't even come from the same local area as either you or the team you're supporting. I just don't see why it matters so much, and nobody has ever been able to explain it!

You're right in saying there are very few other hobbies where this sort of obsession is accepted. Possibly music, as in seeing your favourite band live, but anything else - have you ever heard of someone missing a special occasion to do some knitting or watch the finale of a netball tournament or the season finale of their favourite tv show?

I’ve really had to ponder this one long and hard. We are a sports household so to speak, my DH is a football man and I’m racing mad and there have been times when the other has done things with our little one so the other can attend/watch sporting events.
But in the situation of watching a performance, I know I’d choose that over racing in a heartbeat and I think my DH would do the same over football. So no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I think a lovely compromise is watching it at the local stadium so he can soak up the atmosphere with like minded fans and then still be able to make the performance in the evening. To be honest, it sounds more fun to watch it like that than the hassle Wembley can be at times!

I did specifically say male football fans and I was replying to a woman that said she wasn’t a football fan.

I have (female) friends that are into football, both playing and watching and none of them would rather be watching a match than their child. If they did I would think they were just as bad.

You don’t have to tell me women like sports, I am a woman in sports. It’s just something about men (/people) that think a game, that they aren’t even playing, is more important than anything else I have a problem with.

Edited because I can’t type today.

I think it's overly dramatic to frame it as "football v his son" when it's actually "football v his son's drama show".

I also think it's telling that you have responded to my mentioning wider problems with a reference to him prioritising football previously. I really meant something a lot broader than that- are there fundamental problems in the relationship, rather than has he ever prioritised a football match before. If things are ok, I don't see why you'd get hung up about something that is almost certainly not happening It's like falling out about what you'd do if you won the lottery (sorry, Sunderland fans 😭)

In your shoes, I'd just say "let's cross that bridge when we come to it" and leave it at that.

I appreciate people can enjoy it and support their team but there doesn’t seem to be any other sport that makes people behave like this

Other sports don't seem to attract quite the same level of tribalism, @Newuser75, and that's probably what's leading him to some fantasy that Sunderland will win the cup

It grips some people like that and you just happen to be with one of them.
It wouldn't do for me, but each to their own ...

I agree with everything he has said there. It is understandable that you don't understand. But I also can't put into words why it's so important to help you understand. It just is. It's kind of in your blood if you have been brought up as a fan, particularly if it has been passed down the generations. I am female and a die hard football fan. I love my kids but would never give up an FA Cup final. They have me 365 days a year, one day will not hurt. It's unfortunate that it lands on his show but that's life. I think it is utterly, utterly ridiculous to question his parenting or his relationship with you. (Unless he is a dickhead in other areas and this is not an isolated event).

I suspect that your DH has got excited as Sunderland have drawn either Port Vale or Bristol City in the next round. He’s allowed his excitement to run away from him and dream that they will make the final.

He has shot himself in the foot here. Pissing off the OP for no reason. But it does sound like that this match is a symptom of deeper problems rather than a one off.

Why on earth did he even mention it? It's only the 5th round! He's caused a lot of fuss when there was no need to!

I'm afraid I'm team DH. I'm a massive footy fan and there is no way I would miss my team in the FA Cup final. Closest they have got is the semi finals. I would withdraw my DS from the show. Yes, that makes me an appalling mother!

Funnily enough many of us women are actually lifelong football fans too and have not been brainwashed by our husbands 🙄

I actually cannot believe what I’m reading. Do male football fans brainwash their wives or something?

Her musical/theatrical autistic son should go to a loud football match over his first performance? Absolutely not.

I have competed, at an equivalent level for my sport, for a very long time and I wouldn’t even consider choosing to do that over watching my child. This is something that I earn from, something that I am actually involved in- not just being a fan.

Your DHs a cunt. BUT reality is DS (and you?) would probably prefer him not there as he’ll spoil the atmosphere.

YANBU but I think my judgement is clouded because I hate that (mostly) men think they get some kind of trump card just because it's football.

I imagine if some kind of once in a lifetime event cropped up for you OP he would still expect you to go to your son's show. But because it's 💫football💫 he can do what he wants.

OP I can absolutely promise you that Sunderland have never had a final like this (and this year probably won’t). The playoffs at Wembley are completely different to a cup final, which you haven’t been in since 2014 when you lost the league cup final.
I honestly don’t know how you’re married to a football fan and don’t understand the importance of the FA cup. Now granted they’ve been awful for years but so were my club.
I’m not just saying this because I support Newcastle but assuming you live in the north east how do you not know that football is like a religion for both Mags and Mackems. There’s almost nothing in the world that would have stopped me watching our team win the cup last year (first in my lifetime) and my DS was with me. My DD was with her non football supporting dad doing something else.
This is a non even as they won’t reach the final so your DH will be able to watch your son, and yes you are being unreasonable. Wait a few weeks until they get knocked out and be kind to him as they plummet down the prem as well.

They will be there 💙

If you marry someone sports mad, this is what you get and I say this as someone who married someone who is sports mad.

DH has missed dinners, events etc because of sport. We have rescheduled things because of sport and it’s put quite a bit of strain on our marriage.

Let it go and let your DH make whatever decision he will. You will be there so your DS will have a parent present.

Oh that’s a tough one. If it were me, I’d choose my son’s performance but I’d be gutted about the football. If the drama class offer the opportunity to see the dress rehearsal, I would do that and go to the football. We had to do that the first year of my son’s drama class. He joined part way through the year, and we were booked to go to a festival (son too). Of course that weekend ended up being the performance. The class offered parents to come and see the rehearsal the class a week before the show. We did that (the teacher knew our son wouldn’t be there on the day but gave him some lines anyway).

Is your son’s show once in a lifetime though? He will probably end up doing loads of shows. If you not a football fan it is difficult to understand/explain but they’ve got 3 more games to play and win before it’s even a issue

I’m afraid I didn’t as I was out of the country. Shame as we don’t have much to celebrate this season 😳

Has he changed since you married him, or has he always held football at the forefront?

Thanks. It depends on the club, but for the club my family supports we have not attended a final in 50 years, so if we get there we will go. A good husband will of course look to prioritise events for DCs at would I, but there will be rare times when other events take priority. A once in a lifetime FA cup final for us would be one. For those not interested in football, I understand it can be difficult to understand this intensity, but for us it would be really important to go.

Yanbu op. My DH is a massive rugby fan but he’d miss every single match if he had to choose between that and his kids (and has done many times). He can record it and watch it later. Family is what matters.

I have to agree. I have just mentioned this to DH, who made several comments about Sunderland that one can't repeat on MN, suffice to say what the OP is worrying about is unlikely.

But if my local team were ever in FA cup final, you wouldn't see me for dust. In fact the whole town would be at the game (or watching it on TV) so the drama wouldn't be going ahead anyway.