To ask DH to consider changing hobby?

So you're doing the bulk of the breadwinning, childcare, chores and all bedtimes? Now wonder you're resentful. I think he's perfectly entitled to do the hobby with his friend once a week but needs to step up on the household tasks. Wfh he should be able to get a washload on while you're commuting, load / unload the dishwasher while making drinks / lunch break, hang up washing while you're commuting home. If he cleans / tidies whilst you're doing bedtime, and you can afford a cleaner to do the heavy lifting once a week, thats the bulk of chores except cooking / packed lunches done, which he should be doing half of and if he can't he needs to learn or pick up a comparable task to lighten your load. Agree he needs to learn to alternate bedtime. My 2 used to scream for me at bedtime, it took a few months of perseverance, we did it gently so started off with both of us in the room taking turns to read stories, and gradually ended up alternating, now whoever's turn it is to not do bedtime does the dishwasher/ tidying while the other is upstairs.

Also, assuming someone can read (a recipe) and has working arms and hands , no adult ‘can’t cook’. And any adult who claims this should be thoroughly embarrassed.

There’s this weird competitiveness on MN for how ultra quickly and efficiently pack lunches can be made… Yes, I’m sure the OP could slap a bit of ham between a couple of bits of bread and throw them into a lunchbox in 10 seconds flat and then relish the smug feeling of beating the hapless fools who spend longer on pack lunches if she wanted to… but we don’t all want to eat crappy lunches.

Just read your post on you doing everything from when you get in @Rigglepop and ‘little one refuses this’ (bedtime with Dad). It is probably at the stage where it is easier to carry on than try to change things, but I think you need to get little one used to being ok with either of you. It will be hard at first, of course. Likewise, Dad needs to step
up and do the tasks you normally do, perhaps on alternate days. You can help DC understand ‘Dad’s turn today, Mummy is tire’ and so on. You are enabling this to continue to some extent … but now you have seen what’s going on you can definitely change it. Your child will eventually learn how to parent from both of you.

But you expected the OP to do it. Why not make the suggestion that the DH who does fuck all does it seeing as it’s so easy? Not supportive at all just minimising the OP doing all the default work while the DH who works from home is just chilling. The OP doesn’t need your unhelpful suggestions, she’s got a good job and runs the house too, she’s not incapable. She’s just pissed off doing everything. Either you’re a bit dim, lack empathy or are on a wind up.

Given how unaffordable childcare is, I think it’s terrible you are making her feel guilty about this. Many working families have to do things that make financial sense, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy it but it does mean it was a factor.

He loves the hobby and has made friends there...there is more to life than the constant slog. We need time to enjoy ourselves too. One week day evening per week is more than reasonable.
What needs to happen is a more even distribution of obligations, so you can have your free time as well.

Don't insist on changing his hobby night...make it work for both of you so you can have one too, even if all you want to do is read a book in the bath.

The issue isn’t the hobby once a week it’s that he doesn’t do anything else. I wfh full time and make 90% of our meals, because I am here as DH is only home 2 days a week. If we have something like shepherds pie then I can make a start on my lunch. He is taking the piss.

Also half the time it's not making lunch that's the problem per se. It's the usual repetitive task and working out what the give them that they'll eat. Lunches are fucking groundhog day which is why I use a flask.

Yep. If she's doing bedtime then he should be doing the prep for the next day. No question.

I don't think YABU. I think it's fine for him to go. but HE needs to:

Pick son up from nursery
Make dinner for you all
Sort clothes
Sort lunches

You can do bedtime.

Tell him if he wants to keep his Monday as it is, he needs to pull his weight by doing the prep before going.

He WFH. He can start dinner earlier in the day. Same with clothes for next day. Do it in his break. Lunches he can do before leaving to go out.

It should be win win. He gets to go. Your load is lightened.

That wasn't my question was it? I just want to know about the length of time it takes to make packed lunches. Hummus from scratch, carrot batons all the same size?

YANBU to feel resentful - you're just focusing on the wrong thing. It sounds like Mondays are stressful for you, that's why it's important for you to take equal time. Him not doing bedtime or making dinners or lunches isn't on. He needs to step up there. Take an evening a week for you. It doesn't matter whether you go out and do something, or shut yourself in a bath for two hours. Set your boundary, you are not to be disturbed.

On a Monday make dinner a quick thing or something pre-prepared. I used to have this on a Wednesday and it stressed me out trying to get home, get my daughter fed, get her to her activity, get home at a reasonable time for bed and then get everything ready for both of us the next day. The easiest weeks were the days I parked it down. Scrambled eggs and toast for dinner and lunch then next day would be something I could heat in the microwave the next morning and put in a flask. But actually in your case I would tell him he's making the lunch for Tuesday because you've got enough to be doing on Monday.

"DH doesn't cook or do lunches" - why? That's an easy fix . Anyone can make a sandwich and it only takes a couple of minutes. Any other lunch items - organise it at the weekend, put them in a box ready to grab when needed.
As for cooking - not acceptable if DH says he can't cook, and absolutely unacceptable to say he won't!. Anyone can make a pasta meal, and anyone can quickly learn how to make a basic casserole. Especially if you have a slow cooker.
Bedtime - ridiculous situation to say LO won't let dad do bathtime and put them to bed. You need to really work on that - if they cry, let them it would be much easier if you're actually out, LO should accept it better. The sooner you break that dependency the better.
Good luck!

I’d let this go TBH. Why don’t you prepare an easy tea like beans on toast for your child at say 6pm and chuck a Charlie Bigham’s in the oven at 7.15pm ready for your DH’s arrival at 7.45pm. Then say ‘Can you chuck a dark wash on please?’

Eat together and be all done and dusted by 8.30pm to relax together. Working from home Mon-Fri is lonely, it’s important he sees mates. But also, if he’s WFH all the time it’s far easier to keep on top of chores and washing.

So this isnt about his hobby really, it's about you not feeling you have any downtime. These are easy fixes, it sounds like you are being a bit of a martyre and not helping the situation.

There is no reason why your husband can't put your child to bed, start by sharing bedtimes. One night he sorts tea , even if it's putting something in the microwave or boiling a bit of pasta! Or he makes the packed lunch.

If you do the above, there is no reason why you can't have a free evening to do something you enjoy.

Not sure when married and family life became so transactional. It’s good for his MH. He enjoys it. It’s not that much time. When you look after DS Fridays he’s not on a jolly, he’s working too.

As others have said, instead of resenting him for one night a week, get your own weekly hobby and support each other.

YABU

Why can’t Monday and Friday be your days to do bedtime, dinner and lunch?

Then, your DP covers at least two of the other days, e.g. Tues and Wed so that you can rest, exercise and/or socialise? Maybe one day when he cooks dinner while you do bedtime?

With dinner, do you ever batch cook and freeze, so you have healthy, home made dinners for evenings you’re busy or tired? Each pot-based meal I make (lentil curry, risotto or bolognaise sauce) I make at least double for 4 people, so I have a stock of homemade meals on other days.

Kindly, you both seem to view time with your DC (bathtime, bedtime etc) as a tiring chore.

You can't cope with your partner doing a sport, which is good for physical and mental health, once a week?

It really sounds over the top OP and maybe you should also do something for yourself while he takes care of the kids on another day instead of being so controlling.

Also to add, I would feel very resentful if I was doing all bedtimes, dinners and lunches every day while working full time hours. What does your DH do while you're busy with these?

It’s actually kinda mad that you doing all the cooking, lunches and bedtimes is so normal to you that you didn’t even include it in the op.

the very easy solution which ticks all the boxes in one go, is to be completely out of the house one day a week. After work, go to your sisters, enjoy doing whatever, arrive home at 8.30pm. Not to then start the lunch prep btw, make it clear that is to be done.

Because at the moment op, you’re the breadwinner AND the main childcare AND the chef. Clearly ridiculous

It will be best if you put your foot down in a different way and get yourself an evening out every week (guarantee) on a different day, eg Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Even if you don’t have a hobby, just have this evening to yourself- shopping, seeing a friend, seeing a film in peace, whatever.

That will be much better for you in the long run.

Go out after dinner and leave him to do bedtime. They will get used to it. Go to the gym or whatever - even just sit in the car with a book and a thermos if you don't have anywhere specific to go. Just let them get on with it without you there. Also DH must cook dinners some days - it's ridiculous that you do it all in this situation.

DH and I alternate bath and bedtime for our DD, and whoever does the bath then goes and cooks dinner for us (DD has hers at nursery). She will still cry when I leave the room, but nowhere near as much as she used to and I'm soon forgotten once DH starts reading stories. I know it's hard, but it's nice for him to have that time with her too. Sounds like you definitely need to be sharing more tasks!

Genuine question. Why do you not suggest DH could just do all of this given he actually works from home?