To ask that my nephews don’t come

Also apparently it's fine to look negatively on the nephews and consider that the presence of BOYS must ruin everything.. but the presence of three under 5s, nah that's just a matter of perspective

Deary me..why does everyone need to be invited to everything! Surely it's just a lovely gesture for her birthday, end of. I'm taking my eldest to the ballet as she lives it. I am not going to waste money or time dragging my other one just because!
The mind boggles with some people... Good luck and enjoy your girly time (hopefully).

That’s nice of you to include them.

But most people don’t go to adult events like hen/stag parties etc, and expect to see babies and young children there.

I could not disagree with you more. At my hen afternoon, my sister’s eight month baby came and there was a five year old girl too. It was most definitely a ‘girls’ event. Things can be what you make of them. If you choose to look at it negatively and critically, then that’s up to you.

Indeed. She disagrees with (and is clearly annoyed by) her sister wanting to include all of her children at events, that she has deliberately arranged an event to actively exclude 2 of her sister’s children. But it’s perfectly fine for her to bring along all of her children to the same event. It is very strange!

Also, imagine arranging a girls’ day and showing up to one of the attendees sitting there with her 3 young children, and being told that’s it’s fine, because 2 of them are girls, and the boy is only 6 months old 😂

@Bimmering yes I agree. But currently OP is mother of the year and sees herself, her niece and her young DC as more superior and more important than her nephews and her sisters hurt feelings. It should have been either just niece and OP only if ok with her sister and or niece, OP and her sister only in attendance.

Thinking about this again, what makes this so strange is that the OP is annoyed that her sister likes family time but the OP also apparently has to take three under 5 out everywhere with her! I can't imagine anything worse than going to a formal afternoon tea with that many small children, it's certainly not what anyone would choose as an 18th birthday celebration

It sounds like a lovely thing you’re doing and something I’d hope to do for my niece when she’s older 🩷 your sister is being very over the top and spoiling things which is a real shame! What teenage boys wana be at their sisters girly only afternoon tea anyway!! They’d probably rather stay at home I bet!

No, it’s the 3 young children that stops it being a girls day.

Bear in mind, this celebration is for the niece’s 18th birthday. She’s not an 8 year old who is going to have a spa day with her slightly younger, but playmate age, female cousins.

The age difference is significant. It’s not a girls day with all adults and some kids under 5. That’s ludicrous.

The OP, niece, niece’s mother and grandmother would make it a girls day.

Adding in the OP’s younger children makes it a family celebration. But one that’s closed off to the niece’s siblings.

The OP has tried to dress it up as a girls day to force her sister into a situation whereby she can’t invite her son’s along, because the niece has complained about this to her before.

That’s all this is about. The “girls’’ day” shite is just an excuse to exclude the nephews because the OP disagrees with her sister about always including them.

This was what I was going to say

I think it's deeply weird to think it makes more sense to group together an 18 year old and her preschooler age cousins because they're all girls and girls like afternoon tea but exclude her similar age brothers because they are smelly boys who can't enjoy a piece of cake.

If the OP wanted to do an event just for the adults, or just for her and niece, that would make more sense.

I'm glad my parents didn't enforce these weird gender divisions with me and my brother/cousins.

Agree! I thought that was horrible. Karma will come into play and I think op may not be so happy when her own kids prefer the niece to her. These types of power battles have a habit of carrying forward to the next generation.

You aren’t seriously thinking that a six month baby boy stops it being a girls’ event?!

It’s not girls only though is it?

Its lovely to do things for your niece but I can also understand your sister being upset.

Your sister may feel a bit left out/put out/envious about your relationship with her daughter and she may find this hurtful (have you never considered this). Looking after and parenting teenagers is like a minefield and very much more challenging on another level than looking after a toddler and a baby.

My daughter has always been very hard work and as she got older my SIL (no children of her own and at her age now she is unlikely to have them). She has suddenly decided to muscle in on both of my children/young people who are both away at Uni (texting them frequently), inviting them to stay with her for the weekend). She is very well off and ended up spending more on DD’s 21st than we her parents did. At first on the one hand I was pleased they had another trusted family member they could confide in. But SIL now enjoys letting it slip if she thinks she knows about something before we did or something that we don’t know and sort of behaves in a way that they prefer her and have a better relationship with her etc (which they possibly do but it isn’t really on and as a mum I find this hurtful and difficult). DD has called us all of the names under the sun when she has been very angry or upset, she has been hurtful and broken and damaged things in our home. Whereas SIL has just seen her nice side when she is buying her things, doing things for her and has her undivided attention.

that doesn't make sense. the only re-invites would be her mother and sister. they're hardly going to say no. the others are the birthday girl and Ops small children.

its afternoon tea for max 2 hours not a party.

I’d just cancel all. Sounds like it’s more trouble than it’s worth and certainly not appreciated.

I would genuinely love it if my sister invited my daughter for a birthday afternoon tea and I would be absolutely fine with it being a girls event. I can say hand on heart that her brother would not care at all,. We often do varied things as a family which involves splitting up the adults or the children. None of us care less because it is all about good intentioned fun and it all balances out over a lifetime. We are not petty, spiteful or precious about this stuff.

it’s not a milestone birthday party. It is a girls afternoon tea in advance of the actual birthday. As the young folk say, it really isn’t that deep. Some people can turn the nicest thing into something unpleasant. I know one or two people who always assume the worst, a bit like you. Luckily, they are just acquaintances and not my close friends or family.

Dd3 was 18 recently and her 2 much older sisters (both in their 30s), especially dd2, like arranging things for her without consulting me. Fine, but dd3 has adhd and has generally no idea of her other commitments so she has to ask me anyway. I don't try to make difficulties and try to encourage their relationship but being 18 and at school is not the same as being a 'proper' adult.
I don't see a problem with the OP's gift being not extended to the boys, she's paying after all.

Except that's not really how it works when girls and boys are socialised from a young age to see activities as masculine or feminine.

For example, you have a baby boy. He sees you split off for 'girls' and 'boys' activities, and internalises what he 'should' like. Then as a teenager, you ask him "Hey Ben, do you fancy going for afternoon tea?". He says no and you nod because he just happens not to like something traditionally 'girly' without considering that you (along with the rest of society) has actively taught him that afternoon tea is something he shouldn't enjoy.

And that would be fine, except 'girly' activities are looked down upon and it's seen as embarrassing for boys to like them. And girls that like 'boyish' activities are accused of just trying to get boys to like them (even if they are really good at or knowledgeable about the sport/activity).

Then there's the issue that traditionally 'girly' activities tend to go hand in hand with talking and relaxing, which have fantastic mental health benefits. And 'boy' activities tend to be active and great for physical health.

I think this is one area that doesn't feel that deep on the surface, but actually affects both boys and girls more than we realise.

@Littlebitofthis1 I’ve read all the comments and while I don’t think you’re out of order at all, the simplest thing to do would be to arrange directly with your adult niece to go out for afternoon tea with whoever she wished to invite. If she’s a normal 18 year old she’ll be out with friends to celebrate too, turns out you can celebrate your own birthday on more than one occasion and it’s nothing to do with your parents. I honestly think it’s a row about nothing its nothing to do with your sister what you and your niece do now she’s an adult.

"But my sister has always had an odd attitude to events and will never do anything unless all her kids are with her"

So you knew this would cause an issue but went ahead and organised it anyway without discussing it with your sister first?

YABU you have created this problem yourself. I hope it doesn't spoil your niece's birthday

Your sister sounds like a dick. It’s a girls lunch. A baby doesn’t count

Your niece is 18...
So nothing to do with her mother
You plan it inviting whoever and let your niece know
If the sister refuses to come so be it
But she can't dictate who comes to something she isn't paying for and didn't organise

I agree I don’t think she has been malicious, just a bit thoughtless. And nothing wrong with an Aunt/niece day out. It’s a shame she hasn’t been willing to take on board any of the comments regarding this. I think there may be difficult times ahead for the OP in terms of family relations.

I don’t think OP is being nasty she obviously in her head wasn’t being malicious but once you start adding mum, granny etc it makes it a birthday event which I think OP should of asked her sister about. It is over stepping a bit… however OP asking niece to do a girls shopping day and afternoon tea just them 2 isn’t (imo)