To ask that my nephews don’t come

Of course the host dictates the dynamics.

Does this mean every weeeknd your niece is not allowed to do anything without her whole family? This is crazy on all levels. At 18 I left home but for years before that I was in and out doing all sorts of stuff, including working. No idea what all my siblings were doing we were all busy with our own lives.

what a lovely idea OP! Your sister is crazy though - do you think she’s jealous that you e thought of the lovely idea and is a bit embarrassed and now using her sons as a way to make a fuss??

please don’t cave in! I doubt your niece wants them there and they certainly won’t want to be there. She’s 18 and has a say too. I’d just go ahead with niece. If your sis doesn’t come then so be it.

some strange responses in this thread. Of course boys and girls can do different things and no it doesn’t need to be equal. Different people like different things and different people have different relationships in families.

she asked her niece for an afternoon tea - she said yet. Her mum is being weird.

OP says they are teens

I presume with all these kids there are probably some dads also not being invited? I doubt it’s just the brothers.

Absolutely baffled that as an 18 year old I’d need to be accompanied by my brothers at every event, it’s not Renaissance Italy.

But you don’t treat all your DC the same for on their birthday?
id agree if this was just a random treat for her niece and the nephews had been excluded but that’s not the case

I think this is the issue. If you'd just invited your niece with you, or maybe one other adult relation, that would be lovely. But if you are basically inviting all the direct relations apart from your nephews it does look a bit like you are leaving them out. And it's not a nice 'girl's treat' if some of those girls are under 5. It's a totally different dynamic. And it stops seeming like a gift to her if most of the family is also getting the treat.

I'd change the invitation to just you and your niece on a weekend. She'll get to a feel a lot more special and have more quality time that way, rather than you having to be distracted by your kids and your sister can't claim your nephew's are being left out.

I think your plans for the birthday girl sound lovely, how nice to have a girly afternoon tea.

of course the boys don’t want to come and don’t need an invite. Your sister is being ridiculous over nothing. If she won’t come just take yourself, daughters, baby obviously, granny and niece.

and I do understand. I was planning a ladies/girls only afternoon tea for a significant birthday for myself a few years ago. I’d found a lovely place to have it and everything. I have more female relations and friends than men so seemed perfect, I was really excited about my plans.

but my mum hit the roof about it. Completely ridiculous behaviour on her behalf she kept calling me telling me what her friends had said and so on and so on for months. Telling me I was dividing the family and all sorts of terrible things. I live with two male relations who didn’t care as I see them every day, my parents are divorced so it stopped the me feeling guilty I have not invited my father type of thing. It was all because imho mums favourite is a brother. I’d have invited his wife and daughters, he could have come to the house to see the men if he’d have wanted to even.

anyway I got to do nothing for my birthday and saw no one. My mum after all of that decided to go away that week on holiday with her friends. I also was then excluded from someone else’s same age big birthday later in the same year. I’m now mostly nc with nearly all of my family , I speak to mum once a week very strained.

these things show you who the real people are and not who you hope they are.

Talk to your niece. If she feels the more the merrier than this would not be the hill to die on. If she very much wants it to be a girls only thing, then book it for a weekend or whenever your DH has time to look after his kids and go just adults. I would not give in to your sister against your nieces wishes

BTW I have an aunt who is fairly close in age to me, my father's much younger sister. When I was a child she sometimes invited me to do things with her on my own, without my brothers, e.g., the cinema (or afternoon tea now that I think of it). It meant a lot to me, and she is still one of my favourite people in the world. She was always close to my brothers as well and would invite them to other events.

if It was a girls only event then I would think your sister was being unreasonable, but you can’t argue that it’s girls only when you’re taking your son! I don’t think it matters how old any of the boys are - if one is going then you should include the other two.

Im from a big family! Your niece is 18 now and she’s old enough to have a relationship with your and her granny without her mum being there. There’s lots of times that being singled out from your siblings and getting all the attention is basically the whole treat, the cream tea is just an excuse to put her in the spotlight which is so rare in a big family.
I don’t think your sister can stop it if your niece is an adult, but I can see you don’t want to cause WW3. Your niece is moving into adulthood and can act as a grown woman with other adult women for a birthday treat.

This. Its not like it's going to be a posh adult affair as there will be 3 preschoolers in tow, that makes it into more of a family birthday celebration with all the cousins together... Except you excluded two of them because they're boys.

Total nonsense that teen boys wouldn't want to come, they like cake as much as the next person, my teen boy would be a bit hurt to be excluded from a special occasion like this. Especially if it was his sisters 18th.

I also think OP that you overstepped organising this without chatting to your sister first, it's like you've taken it upon yourself to organise your nieces 18th birthday celebration with the family when that's for her mum to do, not you

? Just cancel it and do it on a weekend.

Sister a weirdo on her boundaries of not doing anything other than family time on the whole of the weekend

How does that even work in reality for teenagers :S they just don't go out on a Saturday with their mates?

Your sister's response is a shame, and I hope it won't cast a dark cloud over the event. I would go ahead with the outing with DN, your mum, and your DC. I'd make it clear to DSis that she is invited, but if she doesn't want to attend that's up to her. Though if your sister chooses not to attend, that is the very definition of cutting off her nose to spite her face. Your DN is an adult, she can choose to go out with her aunt if she wants to.

I love an afternoon tea! It sounds like a lovely way to celebrate your DN's birthday.

I agree with this. I understand your sentiment, but you have to appreciate that you’ve basically just invited the whole family except your nephews. Regardless of your intentions that would feel like your excluding them.

Just cos you're paying doesn't mean you get to dictate dynamics

It absolutely does!

I think your plan is lovely and I can't see how boys would be interested in it.
Personally I'd be leaving the baby with dad to make it more grown up (and that would shut your sister up on the gender thing).

I think you are trying to be the cool young aunt who is so much more in tune with your 18 year old niece than her old fogie mum who is “14 years older than you” (given how many times you have mentioned it, even though it has no relevance).

Mine loves an afternoon tea!

It is 100% acceptable for an 18 year old to celebrate their birthday without their little brothers there, it's bizarre that people are so desperate for them to attend!

It's not like this is the main, or only, celebration. Stand your ground, she's an adult for goodness sake

Can't see much point "standing your ground" if it means the whole thing is cancelled.

Hardly a treat for your niece if it doesn't happen.