To ask that my nephews don’t come

My mum and Sister are much closer than I am with either of them. My sister will always organise Mother’s Day things without consulting me and then invite me to ‘come along’. This used to make me feel jealous and frustrated. Maybe your sister is feeling jealous and frustrated too and she is acting out because of this insecurity. I’m not saying that her behaviour is okay, just wanting to give you a view point of where she may be at. I can see from your posts that you have done all of this with good intentions. So I totally see your point of view and I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But there are always things going on with other people that we can’t be aware of. Maybe just reach out to her and say you wished you had spoken to her first, that you had good intentions, and ask her to speak to her children and see what they would all prefer. Then, if they all want different things, it’s up to her to make the decision, and not having all these different wants and needs put on you and putting you in a difficult position.

Is your sister one of these dopey women who has to take her kids everywhere with her to prove she's been shagged? To prove she has a man??? It's a commoner mindset than you might think, but they rarely admit to it.

I can’t even tell if my nephews would want to come! But my sister has always had an odd attitude to events and will never do anything unless all her kids are with her
This suggests that it may be a bugbear for your sister. Maybe someone excluded her from an event when she was younger and she really hates it. Maybe she has a very strong sense of things being fair for all her children. I think you have to work with the sister you've got and plan things in a way that make it good for everyone. You can still make your niece feel special by making it about her, without excluding anyone.

Your idea is a really lovely one. Your sister is 100% bang out of order.

Uninvite your sister

If the nephews were nieces would they have been invited?

Teenage boys tho
Not little boys

This is what I have often seen when you look behind the scenes the boys have often been pushed out in favour of the girls in the family.

As a female I hike with a group of other people. Hiking is not a men only sport its something enjoyed by both sexes. My son hates football but many of his female friends love it and are very accomplished players.

I know plenty of girls who play video games. As a woman I hate painting and drawing but yet my husband loves it. Often I will be hill climbing whilst he sits at home drawing. I will be fixing the car whilst he irons. We live in 2025 pre conceived ideas about what each sex likes are very out of date.

So the OP's sister, in centring the teenage boys, who don't want to go, the birthday girl, for whom the treat was for, has ended up being upset. 'Twas ever thus 🙄

It will also have done wonders for the mother-daughter relationship.

OP, you tried to do a nice thing, some people just can't see beyond 'But the boys'! I really hope you get to arrange something nice for just you and your Niece to do alone :-)

This really reinforces that your niece's status in the family is low, probably helping to cause her problems at school. Ask her what she would prefer- she can then make the decision- you don't want to make things even worse for her.
This often happens in families where the mother favours sons- you would think it is old fashioned, but it still happens.
My own mother would ask my brother what to buy me for my birthday- he would say something he wanted and just take it off me the day after my birthday- mother said nothing, if I complained she said you have to share you are making a fuss-I wouldn't ever see the item again until it was worn out, broken or otherwise useless.

@Vivi0 you’re overtaking this thread with your own agenda here- don’t you have better things to do?

Supporting people ultimately means responding to the individual in front of you — not policing language or activities so heavily that even acknowledging some tendencies that could fall into “gender stereotyping” becomes controversial.

The OP didn’t say she chose an afternoon tea because of gender. she chose it because she knew her niece enjoys that!!

From where I’m sat, the nephews wouldn’t have been invited regardless of the activity that was chosen. so it’s besides the point. OP updated that they didn’t even want to come. And that’s okay!

So what, in life you want to force people to do things just to prove a point that we no longer conform to historical gender stereotypes. Would you be so passionate about this if the activity was something else? We could argue you’re gender stereotyping in the first place by assuming that the activity was chosen because it was “girly”.

I agree. And when I was 18 I didn't need my mum's permission to go somewhere - not did I need "bringing" by my mum!

Can an aunt not invite her 18 year old niece to afternoon tea, on a day which is not the actual birthday ? Where’s the cutoff - does she have to consult her sister/invite both nephews for the rest of their lives if she wants to see her niece ?

I think your niece made a mistake asking for her mum to be included when favouring the boys is a sore point and she knew she she would want to bring them.

I think you made a mistake not just inviting your niece out for coffee and avoiding all the drama.

Video games, hiking and football aren’t exactly “boys things”.

Nor is walking and painting “girls things”.

Weird.

Also, I’d happily play a video game with my son to show an interest in him and what he enjoys. Kick a ball around with him for 10 minutes in the garden. Isn’t this just the bare minimum of parenting? Engaging with your children and what they enjoy regardless of their sex?

“The men”, “the boys” - agree with a pp. So outdated.

You're not going hiking but enjoy long walks?

Are those not exactly the same?

Exactly.

I think it's incredibly weird to think that an 18 year old woman has more in common with two under 5s because they are girls than with her close in age brothers.

That's the OP deciding to create a gendered culture in her family.

I don’t understand any of the heat you are getting. You’ve planned a lovely thing. I come from a big family and any time someone can be made to feel special in their own right is cherished. Also the boys are clearly not bothered about coming so it’s yoor sisters strange rules about having all of her children with her that seems to be the problem. If she has weird anxieties then ideally she could put them aside for her daughter. If her 18yo
daughter wants to come and she doesn’t tell her not to bother coming then! She’s spoiling it for her child which is really odd.

That the point though, assuming boys as a group like certain things and girls different things, when it’s more that some poor like some thing and some other things.

Teenage boys tho
Not little boys

Why can't the men take the boys out for similar interests?
I'm not playing video games or going hiking or playing football
Things that the boys in my life enjoy
I enjoy going for long walks, painting etc
Things they absolutely hate
Its ok to be different

This is so weird
I never ask my sister's permission to invite her adult children lol

Hrft but it was a nice thing to try to do for your niece and she might even enjoy looking after your newborn with you.

I hope it works out.

Yes

And posters bemoan their adult sons not being as close to them - but the truth is that a lot of families just cherish their daughters more than their sons and boys receive the message that they aren't as important