To not understand how DH does it re: friends

My mum was and is really annoying as she has no social skills - she will literally latch onto any stranger so she can monologue about questions they didn't ask, and she's always correcting strangers about irrelevancies (e.g. pronunciation of local places names, opinions contrary to hers etc).

It made me very aware of when people are disinterested, but also a great example of the opposite of what to do. So I ask questions, if I disagree with someone I do it cheerfully (e.g. "lovely day" - "ooh, a bit hot for me, haha"), I suggest things people generally like to do, and I don't mind if they suggest something I wouldn't choose myself.

I don't think it's a male thing. I do exactly the same

Why would that be unusual?

I’ve been doing it the entire time I’ve been a parent. DH is equally responsible for our DC.

It's much easier for men to make friends and arrange 'dates' as their partners are often the default childcare.

It would be very unusual for a mum to simply make off the cuff plans with another mum and inform her husband that's what she was doing.

If he has done that after just one swimming lesson whereas you hadn’t done it in a year, it suggests he is much more sociable!

Why did you assume she was “cheesed off” with you?

🤭You mean I’m not supposed to be friendly with randoms on trains?

I find it interesting that you automatically leap to the negative (she’s cheesed off) over something more likely and mundane, like she’s just tired or unwell of wants to be left in peace.

Not naive. Most people in social settings are nice enough. I am not advocating being friendly with randoms on the Tube. And not all will have the time for more friends. But how will one know unless one tries?

That’s exactly how I was brought up. You can change the script, with effort.

My DH would say this about me. I'm not particularly loud in a big group, but I do make small talk with small groups/individuals easily.

I think it's a superpower that some people have. I have a friend who collects people and a dh who is pretty rubbish. Everyone who knows him likes him, but he couldn't tell you the names of any of our neighbours or our kids' friends.

I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm friendly and talk to anyone, but don't get to the swapping numbers stage much anymore. Dd has been dancing for a few years and I have absolutely no interest in getting to know the dance mums. They probably think I'm a stuck up cow, but as they appear to live for it and I'm counting the years until dd gets bored, we've not really much in common!

It was drilled into me as a child by my mother never to appear "bold" or "forward". I had zero confidence and never made the first move to chat to people.
As a result I was always shit at interviews and still find it hard to get anywhere further than basic small talk with new people.

I come from a place where it's the norm to quiz the arse of people and find out all about them. OB is not local and this nosiness drives him mad.

I’m a bit like your DP. I’m a good listener, and I’m also genuinely interested in the minutiae of other people’s lives,and I’m happy to share the minutiae of mine. I always -probably naively-assume that other people are nice and well intentioned until proved otherwise.

My DH is like this. I put it down to him being a nicer person than me.

I can natter and chatter and work a room and people tell me lots about themselves. People love talking about themselves. I can strike up a conversation over the wine, grape variety, a marvellous vineyard in France where that's grown to an historical site in the next town. By the end of the evening, I know how many children someone has, the name of their first wife and where they are going on holiday/spending Christmas.

DH can talk intensely about points of law, horseracing, cricket and opera. I sometimes have to introduce the person he's speaking to to somebody else before he bores the pants off them. He can work with someone for years, go to the same lunches and drinks and yet know little about them. He also shares very very little about his personal life.

I don’t understand — why would she be ‘cheesed off’ with you if you’d literally only exchanged a few words?

Some people are excellent at small talk, I'm utterly shit at it so actively avoid chatting to randomers. My best friend will talk shit to literally anyone and seems to befriend people wherever we go.

My dh knows more of the parents at clubs / school than I do. He has zero hang ups about himself. He is outgoing and has no expectations of anyone and no expectations that any meaningful friendship will come from a chat. I think that helps. He is definitely better at this than me. I talked to one of the mums he chats too and could tell she was cheesed off with me within a minute as she asked her other half if he was "ok" then didn't carry on with the conversation after I said my three sentences.

I am like your DH, my DH both joined a new gym at the same time, I have a squad and we go on frequent nights out, he chats to a few people and that’s it.
We go on holiday I come back with a load of phone numbers and a few months later fly to another country to stay with one of them.
I became friends with the admin lady at my DM’s care home and we meet up.
When my DC were younger I’d make friends at every toddler group I joined and it was the same when they went ti school. My best friend is my toddler group friend who I met 25 years ago.

This. Though I don’t so much think it’s ’socially gifted’, more ‘socially confident’. I’m not bothered by being in a room of total strangers, I’m generally interested in people, and if I encounter someone I like, I’m happy to make the first move on exchanging numbers or proposing a coffee. If they’re not interested, that’s fine, too — I’m not crushed or left vowing I’ll never do that again.

It’s usually said the other way on here. So the woman with an active social life and the man with no friends and not interested in being sociable. I think it’s more about personality

Your mum was wrong.

That's exactly how I feel.
I have a relative who has business type cards with her name and number on them and if she goes to anything new she gives them out to people and says "If you fancy meeting up for a coffee just give me a ring"

Don't know if anyone ever does.