To not understand how DH does it re: friends

I can't do small talk to save my life! I'm not really past the pleasantries stage with a lot of DCs friends group parents gang, they all seem to all know each other very well (as in talk about their lives, jobs etc and not just kids)

DH can talk to anyone and people seem to really receptive to him, if I tried what he does I'd get looked at like I'd grown two heads.

Long story short, we don't think so, she had a lot of trauma though, and she has a personality type adjacent to autistic traits.

I make friends easily. I find that listening and talking about things that interest the other person is a great way of making friends.

I read something a while ago, can't remember where, that suggested women's friendships were generally 'face to face' friendships, where you primarily got together to see one another, talk, catch up, and any other activity was often more incidental. But that male-male friendships were often 'side by side' friendships, where they got together to watch a football match, play squash/golf, game etc etc, and that the friendships were more incidental to the hobby, ie they weren't facing one another, they were focusing on the match/screen/ball etc.

With the result that, if male lives change and they no longer have enough time or money for a round of golf or have to let their season ticket lapse, they often aren't comfortable with saying 'Do you want to catch up over a drink?' because the friendship was never about sitting opposite one another in a pub talking about their lives. So friendships fall away, hence the stereotype of the middle-aged loner.

I do think that's a generalisation to an extent, and I also think it's generational, and men with female friends don't fall under that umbrella, but there's somet truth to it.

I’m like your DH.
He’s either better at striking up conversation, more open to it when others try to do so, or a mixture of both.

Does he have a smiley face/ twinkly eyes or something else that attracts people?
Don’t worry too much
After a good friend died very suddenly I decided I needed three good friends- the sort you share confidences with and would turn to in an emergency.
I had to work at it but I achieved that with those three. It sounds clinical but it’s important.

I thought it was a commonly accepted stereotype that men are LESS good at making friends than women. Thus complaints about husbands retiring and having nothing to do but mooch around the house all day; studies about women coping better with divorce because they have stronger social support networks etc.

It’s not a bloke thing it’s an energy thing. I go though phases of being like your husband and then going the other way for a few years. I can actually see myself doing it now when it happens - it an open level of enthusiasm I think, that makes all that happen.

I also have periods of life when I am not quite reclusive but I withdraw from this.

I have a lot more actual friends than DH but he frequently tells me about conversations he has with people at the gym or his hobby group etc. They're with a mix of men and women. In similar situations though I tend to focus on what I'm doing. I'm open to conversation but not necessarily actively looking for one. Also, perhaps significantly, he mostly works alone at home whereas I'm surrounded by colleagues.

Overall my experience is that men talk about general stuff - politics, sport, the news, their exercise regime etc, but women like to find out who you are as a person, which is fine but maybe harder to initiate?

My DH is the same. He can make friends with anybody. I like to be sociable and always try to chat to people and keep in touch with friends, but somehow I feel like I’m being needy and a bit of a pest, so I back off. I do have friends who I see for the occasional coffee, and some who I only really chat to online these days, but nobody I feel I can call on to go for a random drink or turn to in a crisis. DH has loads! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

just seems like he is friendly and welcoming. mine is like this. he gets recognised by people he met once at festival for 5 minutes. its mad but really nice.

I think people appreciate others actually showing an interest in them rather than just the odd hello how are you. you have to actually want to engage with people not just do the pleasantries because of societal norms. mine loves it, whereas i'm not bothered.

I have no idea but really wish I was more like your husband! I really struggle to make new friends

I wish I was a bit more like your DH!

I think this is a big part of it - I see so many threads on here from people questioning absolutely everything and analysing to the Nth degree and I just think it must be absolutely exhausting in their heads - it would certainly put me off trying to maintain a friendship if someone appeared too intense.

Not just men but people who don't try too hard seem to have easier relationships with people.

Males are different when it comes to friendship, we don't seek comfort from each other and don't seek reassurance or emotional support. We just want to talk about football, the news, holidays and really just take the micky out of each other. That's why we rarely fall out with friends, it never too deep. We can go out with them or not see them for a while, it makes no difference.

Male friendships may be different, but they're not automatically easier.

Both my DH and DS are very friendly people, but neither finds it easy to make friends and neither has many friends of their own.

For the nearly 40 years I've known him, DH has literally never "gone out" with friends, not a single trip to the pub, the football or a holiday etc. He's got a small group of people he'd regard as friends, but it's little more than the odd chat when they randomly meet (i.e. locally or with his hobby groups). He's always got on well with his work colleagues, clients, etc., but none have become friends.

DS often complains he's lonely - he was lonely throughout his three years at Uni and now lonely during his 2 years working in his graduate role at one of the biggest insurance firms in London. Like DH, DS gets on well with his work colleagues, but in the 2 years, he's only been "out" with any of them a couple of times to pub quizzes - he was the same at Uni - never socialised, but had lots of "friends" in lecturers etc who he'd chat to, but which never led to anything.

So, whilst it's different, I think some men can find turning "acquaintances" into friends just as hard as some women.

I normally hate it when people do this but it sounds like your mum could be autistic.

That doesn’t mean she’s cheesed off - not everyone wants to make small talk.

One of the things I never understand on Mumsnet is the way some people seem to take a pride in not making friends. The “I don’t associate with school mums” vibe. As if the poster feels herself to be above the “mundanes”. Obviously, sometimes it’s a cover for shyness. But not always…

@Shadeflower I agree with ‘they don’t worry or analyse such things as much’.

Saw a clip of a stand up comedian a bloke doing a mock quiz on a friend they had known for 20 years. They could relay what football team they supported, all nicknames they had but couldn’t remember the name of the friends wife and other actual very personal details.

I game and almost all the people I game with are men, just because that’s who will speak on mic as it’s a harsh environment, known some for 14 years . They forget I’m a woman as it’s just all on mic. There is a lot of piss taking.

I make friends easily and people always chat to me, it’s become a bit of a joke in the family with DH and DS asking who spoke first. It is 95% of the time the other person. My Mother and one of my sisters were/are the same. I have unfortunatley been very unwell recently so have been in contact with various medical professionals. I seem to now know a lot about them. I didn’t ask!

People just seem comfortable with me, I’m pretty straightforward. I also don’t worry about being seen as nice I do think that is a societal pressure that many women give in to.

Possibly the men in this particular setting are more friendly (to other men) than the women are to the women? I've found this with football.

I haven't made any new friends for years. My 3 main friends are from primary school, high school and uni.
I have friends from workplaces but I knew them when we were young anyway.
I can't think of anyone who is completely new to me.

As a PP said, I won't make the first move for fear of rejection then I'd feel like an idiot and never do it again so I'm happy with my small amount of friends.

It takes me a really long time to make someone a friend. I have people I know and am friendly with, but it can be years before they become friends.

DP and my older DS (adult) assume everyone they've ever had a pleasant chat with is their friend, which seems to get reciprocated.

I think it's mostly that they don't worry or analyse such things.

I could tell from her body language. She didn't ask me one question for a start. Then as soon as I stopped talking she asked if her bf was OK like I was boring him.