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Original poster

Step-parenting finances & related

36 replies

PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:18

Feel like I’m opening myself up to abuse for this post but people in my life have me conflicted.
I have recently moved in with my partner and we share household finances (rent, bills, groceries) which comes out of an account we pay equal amounts into. He has a child who spends time with us throughout the week/weekends. Any food etc consumed comes from the joint money which I have no issue with and I always ensure there are things here they enjoy and meals also.
However, there’s now talk of birthday presents, parties etc coming from the joint money as well as gifts etc while out for the day or shopping all from the joint money.
I have no problem contributing and it’s through want as I have a brilliant relationship with them but should finances surrounding them be more their dad’s responsibility when in his/our care?
It’s members of my partners family have highlighted that the arrangement may not be fair on me, especially as lights are left on in the house all day, I have to do all collections/drop offs as the child’s mum won’t unless she’s given money for fuel and my partner doesn’t drive, the toilet is flushed 6 times everytime it’s used…
I feel like I’m picking and making an issue with something I shouldn’t but it’s other people that have brought it to my attention.

Also, please don’t hate on me, I’m genuinely asking for opinions. This is all a bit new to me and I would just like a little guidance please. Thank you

OP posts:
SnobblyBobbly · 16/02/2026 16:56

It sounds like less to do with the child and more to do with your family members maybe feeling that your partner (and his ex) are taking the piss a bit. It’s the way they’re going about it perhaps. Is it possible that your friends & family perceive him as a bit of a freeloader? (Not saying that he is, but it’s obviously an issue).

As a previous poster suggested, I’d have the conversation with him about what comes out of the joint account. TBH I wouldn’t split hairs over lights & toilet flushes, but costs for days out & gifts could be agreed in some way, rather than just assumed to be a full joint outgoing.

Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:54

sittingonabeach · 16/02/2026 16:44

Do you earn similar in salary to justify equal amounts being paid into joint account?

How did your partner do drops offs before you moved in, or did he expect his ex to do them all?

Does he pay CMS? If so where is that paid out of?

Does your DH benefit from you driving (apart from DC drop offs)? Does he pay anything towards fuel?

Partner earns slightly more but fluctuates due to self employment.
Drop offs etc would have been a mix of both parents beforehand although my partner would have ordinarily walked.
No CMS as they have a separate arrangement which works well for them and has been in place for a number of years - this is money paid from my partners personal account.
Partner contributes towards my fuel as I WFH full time and he doesn’t drive so 90% of the car use is for household/family reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:49

Therealjudgejudy · 16/02/2026 16:38

This really doesn't sit right.

Does your partner pay you for your fuel?

Yes, he contributes as I drive and he doesn’t

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 16/02/2026 16:48

As PP have said, any arrangement is reasonable if it's something thaT is discussed and agreed upon.
This seems to be assumed not agreed.
Personally I'd be fine with food, electricity etc from the joint but some other things eg after school clubs etc are just for DP to pay. Or he pays slightly more into the joint to cover DD extras.

Original poster
PCOSAdvocate · 16/02/2026 16:46

HowBizxarre · 16/02/2026 16:34

I think contributing financially equally if you live together, is how it should be ( aside from paying petrol to ex, that's bizarre)

But both parents leaving it to you to do drop pick ups/drop offs isn't fair at all. You've become a free chauffeur in that sense,

How did they do pick ups and drop offs before you came along?

Edited

My partner would have walked (around a 40 minute walk) or the mum would have picked up/dropped off. The reasoning now is ‘why can’t she [being me] do it?’ followed by a number of excuses as to why she can’t.
I can’t sit at home knowing the child is walking in the cold to get home so always end up offering as a result

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 16/02/2026 16:44

Do you earn similar in salary to justify equal amounts being paid into joint account?

How did your partner do drops offs before you moved in, or did he expect his ex to do them all?

Does he pay CMS? If so where is that paid out of?

Does your DH benefit from you driving (apart from DC drop offs)? Does he pay anything towards fuel?

Skybluepinky · 16/02/2026 16:44

We just did everything from joint account, you take on the dad you take on their children as well.

Therealjudgejudy · 16/02/2026 16:38

This really doesn't sit right.

Does your partner pay you for your fuel?

HowBizxarre · 16/02/2026 16:34

I think contributing financially equally if you live together, is how it should be ( aside from paying petrol to ex, that's bizarre)

But both parents leaving it to you to do drop pick ups/drop offs isn't fair at all. You've become a free chauffeur in that sense,

How did they do pick ups and drop offs before you came along?

eeemes · 16/02/2026 16:31

It depends how your finances are split and if money is tight. If you’re comfortably off, paying for a child who is now part of your family shouldn’t be an issue. But if money is very tight, I think a conversation on what is fair needs to be had.

Swiftie1878 · 16/02/2026 16:25

Id say whatever arrangement you end up with, it shouldn’t be one that you just slip into. You need an open and honest conversation about what joint money is to be used for and what you must use your own funds for.

Personally, I’d say all food, bills etc should continue to be out of joint funds - maybe a bit of education should be thrown in around using electricity unnecessarily etc! - but costs ‘specifically’ for the child should be covered by your DP.
Thats my personal view though. You guys may come to a different conclusion, but it needs to be actively discussed and decided upon.

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