Step-parenting finances & related

No you shouldn’t be paying his child expenses, your DP and the child’s DM should pay for these between them. They have managed up until now and they can continue.

I wonder if the ex has assumed that she will be better off now that you have moved in together, you and DP pay for everything for the child and she gets to keep her money? Not acceptable….

You might have to forget about the joint account and just start paying your half of all the bills if your DP is going to be spending lots of your money on his child.

So you are paying more than half, his free childcare while he works, and his chauffeur?🙄

Really OP?
Can you really not see that you are a hugely convenient, paying addition to his life?

You are sadly spectacularly naive and a soft touch that is being used.

Have you no family and friends to point out the obvious?

So they don’t have a set routine because you are expected to step in whenever it suits them…?

Yeah, I’d stop being so available.

What % is the child with you? Does the child have a bedroom? Do you have a suitable workspace? Are you going to have children together?

His child will only get more expensive as time goes by.

@PCOSAdvocate

I think splitting the regular household costs is fine, assuming that there isn't a huge difference your incomes.

However, child 'specific' expenses should be covered totally by him, unless it's discussed ahead of time, each time. If you want to contribute to a joint gift, fine. But it shouldn't be expected. As DC gets older these expenses are going to get larger and you're going to feel the impact more and more. School trips, clothing, clubs, etc these things are the parent's responsibility, not yours.

You doing picks & drops is taking the piss and sounds like DP pandering to the ex. They apparently managed before you and he started living together without your help. Why can't they now? And as far as ex saying "Why can't she...." DP should reply "Because it's not her responsibility. We are the parents". If DP has to pick up his ex's slack, that's between them.

I'm sorry, but the more you do the more will be expected of you.

I wouldn't have a problem with household bills including food coming out of the joint account. Fuel should also come out of that pot while your car is being used for the benefit of the household and to facilitate childcare. He should pay for other child expenses himself e.g. birthday presents, clothes, days out.

Does he own his house or rent? I wouldn't be paying towards someone's mortgage.

If it's rent, are you on the tenancy?

I wouldn't pay for 50% of the child's expenses but would absorb the extra food/elec etc.

You need a conversation about money and responsibilities. What did he do with the child when working nights before you moved in? It does sound you're taking on parenting responsibilities very quickly.

How have driving lessons be paid for? Will he have his own car @PCOSAdvocate

Counting toilet flushes and worrying about light bulbs is a sign resentment is seeping in because the cost will be minimal and it's normal with children. You really need to think about what you're willing to do and set your boundaries with your partner, otherwise this could end up spiralling and ruin the relationship.

This happens I think on 100% of the threads you read on this. Always detailed as the exes fault, when it never ever is.

I love how he’s already got you blaming his ex too. It’s her fault for not collecting the children from school/ clubs etc on his time, not his fault for some reason.

I’m sorry op but there is a very large chance that this man is just using you.
how long have you been together before you/he moved in and you started contributing both financially and in time with his child?

We have a joint account for food and bills. However when we first moved in together he tried to suggest that maintenance also constituted a joint expense.

I say tried to, because the look on my face made him reconsider before he even finished his sentence!

There is a separate acccount for all things kids related that my DP contributes more to, because he has more kids than I do (3:1).

I do a drop off once a month (70 mile round trip) and DP pays my fuel for this. I wouldnt do it otherwise

Men like your h who are quick to expect their partner to pay for their child often use said child as an excuse not to pay at all when they have a baby with the new partner. Lots of stories on here where the dad does stuff like buy lots for child 1’s Christmas but leaves the partner to pay to child 2 on her own. If you plan to have kids with this cf, make sure you don’t cheat your child with him out of his money too.

Why are you paying half of expenses when he earns more?

He should pay his child's share too. He's taking advantage of you in many ways.

@PCOSAdvocate sorry I have to ask- why is the toilet flushed 6 times after every use?

It sounds like your boyfriend only wants someone to pay and look after his kids. Pain for the birthday parties and gifts from their dad? Doing all the drop offs and pick his for his kids?

He's landed on his feet!

I wouldn’t like that financial arrangement either. Teens eat as much as an adult and if they like snacking, could be eating far more than you. Teen presents can be expensive eg a laptop or a games console and I wouldn’t want to pay half that. You’re on the fast track to be blamed for dad not buying say concert tickets or expensive trainers.

I would maybe say I will contribute eg £50 towards his son’s birthday and Christmas and leave it to your partner what to spend it on.

OP, you are being used.
His child, his costs.
But your shared bank account now means that you pay for his child.
This is not right.
This is foolish of you to get involved in.
Now you are their chauffeur too?

Why would you allow this to happen so quickly?
Why would you think this is acceptable?
Why would you not want to save money in your account, instead of being used to fund his child.

Wake up to the reality that you are being used.
Get out of this situation asap is my advice.

Is there a reason he doesn't drive.

Does he do most parenting when DC are with you?