Page 8 | How are Grammar schools so much better than comprehensives if they get the same funding?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:42

Jijithecat · 18/02/2026 20:31

Have you never been to a cafe with your children? People were always chatting to my children when they were younger. I'm an introvert so it's not like I was going out of my way to chat to others, it just seemed to happen.

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Yep I went out to a farm, playground and cafe today with lots of children as half term. Some parents spoke directly to me about DS but none spoke to him and I wouldn't expect them to just as I wouldn't speak to their children.

OP posts:

redskyAtNigh · 18/02/2026 20:42

OP - since this is a MN thread and we have seemingly got to nearly 800 posts with no one saying it - you mention a "partner". If you are not married and you have reduced your hours to very part time, please make sure you protect yourself financially - particularly if you are planning to move to a new area with no family support or friends.

redskyAtNigh · 18/02/2026 20:40

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:30

Thank you. So basically if school are informed that I am the only person authorised to collect DS they wont release him to anyone else even if its grandma and he wants to go with her?

That makes me feel a little better but something I will 100% check with any schools we view.

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When DS was age 5, I'd arranged with his friend's mum that I would pick the friend up from school and take him home with us.
Friend's mum forgot to tell the school. When I turned up and told them of the arrangement, the school secretary rang her up to double check before they would release him to me. And that was with me being a known parent, and also known that our sons were close friends.

(Although I probably shouldn't tell you that my DC's junior school had no adult handover at all and just released children to the playground, where many of them walked out to meet adults some distance from school).

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:39

meganorks · 18/02/2026 20:18

This has to be one of the most bonkers threads I've read. You are planning to uproot your family to somewhere you don't know or particularly like where the job prospects are low but houses are cheap and there are grammar schools. You have no idea if your child would even suit grammar school because they are 2 and unborn. And you also hate the education system because of the pressures it puts on kids. I mean, if you want to put pressure on a kid, then getting into grammar school is the one! And then add to that the additional pressure that your family have based their entire life around getting you into that school 😱

You don't seem to be on the same page as your partner at all. And then you casually mention you've already planned not to return to work while the children are school age, but haven't discussed this with your them at all. A lot of suggestions won't work for you because they involve additional expense, which would mean you have to go back to work. So while you are positioning everything as 'doing what's best for our children' there is the caveat 'so long as I don't have to work'. Ditto the homeschooling really. Its hard to see to what extent desire to homeschool is driven by desire not to work.

Honestly, the most likely outcome from all of this seems that you will end up disappointed (because it's impossible to make decisions now for events 10 years away), that it will all a cause tensions in your relationship (because you don't seem to agree on much), and you are going to pass on all your stresses and anxieties on to your children. Your latest outrage that children might speak to an adult in school seem insanely over the top. And it seems clear from your responses that you plan to use this information to try and persuade your husband of the evils of school. But it really is sounding like the best thing for your children would be letting them go to school.

I made the decision to quite my career after my son was born. My partner was okay with this as the childcare costs are insane. I do work 2 nights a week but of course the pay is very small compared to if I went back to my career (although I would have to go to a different career anyway due to the hours of previous one)

We hadn't fully decided on me not returning to a career at all which is why we were trying to keep to living somewhere affordable! There is no point in me going back to work whilst we have kids at nursery and I don't agree on giving up time with my young kids to facilitate moving somewhere more expensive.

My partner gets a say in everything and to a degree more so as he is the one out at work full time so I can be with my son. So i respect his views otherwise it wouldn't even be a discussion of school and I would keep them at home.

I do work part time just not in a career. So my desire to homeschool has nothing to do with not wanting to work. Of course finacially it would be lovely if I could go back to earning 40-50k but the money isn't worth the lost time with my kids.

OP posts:

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 20:39

mathanxiety · 18/02/2026 20:35

Yes that is how it works.

Schools will only release a child to the person or people named on the list of people authorized to pick up the child. They will fold their arms and say 'list says no' to anyone else.

If someone arrives and starts insisting you gave them verbal permission, or whatever, they will check with you.

It doesn't matter what the child says.

Edited

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Schools in the UK don’t tend to have an authorised pick up list once the kids get into KS2.

Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 18/02/2026 20:39

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:30

Thank you. So basically if school are informed that I am the only person authorised to collect DS they wont release him to anyone else even if its grandma and he wants to go with her?

That makes me feel a little better but something I will 100% check with any schools we view.

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Genuinely, at primary there are precautions in the school about child collection - formal on the part of the school, as in names permitted people for pick up in infants. As they get older my experience was the pack looks after the cubs ( some may view as busybodies but as a working parent I really appreciated it) so if an unfamiliar face was there for pick up at least one of the regulars would chat and ask if that person was an aunt or whatever. And they would have been named in the school contact book. This was a two form entry primary though.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 20:37

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:28

I am surprised of the opinion that at a local or village primary school 'everyone knows everyone' how would you know someone if they aren't a friend?

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You just do.
I live in a village with a small village primary school and I know a lots of the kids even the ones where I’m not friends with the parents. It’s just how it is if you live in a village and attend the village school.

mathanxiety · 18/02/2026 20:35

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:30

Thank you. So basically if school are informed that I am the only person authorised to collect DS they wont release him to anyone else even if its grandma and he wants to go with her?

That makes me feel a little better but something I will 100% check with any schools we view.

Show quote history

Yes that is how it works.

Schools will only release a child to the person or people named on the list of people authorized to pick up the child. They will fold their arms and say 'list says no' to anyone else.

If someone arrives and starts insisting you gave them verbal permission, or whatever, they will check with you.

It doesn't matter what the child says.

Pipsquiggle · 18/02/2026 20:33

Honestly @Karma1387 you are coming across as extremely highly strung.

Yes there are safe guarding procedures in every primary school my DC have attended (4 of them).
The school is aware of any 'blacklisted' people

mathanxiety · 18/02/2026 20:32

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:28

I am surprised of the opinion that at a local or village primary school 'everyone knows everyone' how would you know someone if they aren't a friend?

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You know them through gossip. You know how their house looks. You know them from seeing them or hearing them around the village - shrieking at their children, rolling home footless, attending church, organizing a village cleanup or leading the scouts or guides, etc

Jijithecat · 18/02/2026 20:31

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 19:18

I'm just not sure having strangers talk to my very young children is okay without parental permission.

I wouldn't dream of talking to another child I didn't know.

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Have you never been to a cafe with your children? People were always chatting to my children when they were younger. I'm an introvert so it's not like I was going out of my way to chat to others, it just seemed to happen.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:30

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 20:24

Jesus, this has already been discussed.

You’re missing the vital bit of information, the bit where you talk to your child and say ‘don’t forget grandma is picking you up tonight’.

If you’ve not had that conversation then your child is likely to point out to a teacher that their parent isn’t there as expected and then the school would phone you.

If you specifically don’t want someone collecting your child and you’re worried they might just turn up then you flag this with the school. They will treat this request seriously.

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Thank you. So basically if school are informed that I am the only person authorised to collect DS they wont release him to anyone else even if its grandma and he wants to go with her?

That makes me feel a little better but something I will 100% check with any schools we view.

OP posts:

Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 18/02/2026 20:30

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:26

But if there aren't passwords or ID checks how do schools know the person picking then up should be? A family member the child likes could be coming to pick them up but not necessarily approved by the parent?

Can you state to a school only 1 certain person is allowed to pick up a child and if that needed to change you could call the school to let them know and then school could check their ID or will they just let a child go based on if they are happy to go with said person at the gate?

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Our primary had a contact book so you could write a message to the teacher, be that about reading books or stating that your child was going home with xxx and parent that day, or if grandparents were picking up. You are overthinking primary pick up, meant v kindly.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:28

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 20:14

Schools vary although I suspect the UK is at the cautious end of developed countries. I've been teaching 15 years and in that time have taught several pupils where a parent has been the subject of a restraining order. It comes up on the database in bold and obviously staff who teach that child would be made aware and probably all staff if it's a recent thing.

Independent schools may be more security conscious than state ones ime because parents have higher expectations of that kind of thing and also sometimes with the posher ones DC could actually be at risk. I mean I taught at one with particular credible risk factors.

But a village or local primary - everyone knows everyone!

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I am surprised of the opinion that at a local or village primary school 'everyone knows everyone' how would you know someone if they aren't a friend?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 18/02/2026 20:28

I have some experience of this. My DDs went to an (excellent) comp for years 7-10. Then to Grammar Schools for A levels.

I will tell you what the difference is. Expectation.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:26

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 20:13

That doesn't sound quite as bad but is there really no approved pick up list or passwords like at nursery?

Absolutely not! There doesn’t need to be.
In KS2 children are old enough to know who should be picking them up. If that changes last min then parents will phone the school but there aren’t approved lists or passwords as there doesn’t need to be.

What if a grandparent who the parents didn't want them to pick up came to get the child and the child was happy to go with them? I'm guessing there are policies and procedures to cover this?
In these circumstances a parent will let the school know that they shouldn’t be allowed to go home with a particular person. That would be treated as a safeguarding issue.

How do teachers deal with situations like someone commented above of a friends parent taking their child home too but what if the parent didn't actually agree to it?

That was me. My child always knew if they were being picked up by another parent. On all other occasions if I wasn’t there then they’d tell their teacher. In years 3&4 they are checking the children have spotted their adult before leaving. A parent isn’t just walking into the playground and kidnapping an another child.

Edited

But if there aren't passwords or ID checks how do schools know the person picking then up should be? A family member the child likes could be coming to pick them up but not necessarily approved by the parent?

Can you state to a school only 1 certain person is allowed to pick up a child and if that needed to change you could call the school to let them know and then school could check their ID or will they just let a child go based on if they are happy to go with said person at the gate?

OP posts:

WittyFawn · 18/02/2026 20:25

Karma1387 · 16/02/2026 15:33

Me and my partner are in a situation where we are looking to relocate in order to move to a Grammar school area. This is going to involve us both having to find new jobs and coordinate a house move at the same time.

Some of my family disagree with our decision to move for the sake of grammar school and don't see how they can be better than a normal comprehensive school.

I am hoping some people on here will have some knowledge on how grammar schools achieve so much better than comprehensives?

Also anyone with experience with grammar schools they could share? From what I have read the class sizes aren't much different to comprehensives and they get the same funding. Is it literally just a case of because they do the 11+ they tend to only take on the more academically inclined kids. Does this translate to less bad behaviour etc compared to comprehensive schools?

The move is going to be stressful with us both trying to find new jobs plus moving further away from both our families I want it to be worth it! Our local comprehensive is awful for results and we want to give the kids the best opportunities.

Personally I would rather homeschool and fully keep them out of the school system but my partner is very against this and is determined we need to move to a grammar school area so any advise to aid our discussion would be amazing!

Are we being unreasonable to relocate for the possibility of grammar school?

My daughter is head of English at the grammar school she went to. It is a fabulous school and you see the secondary school pupils in town that clearly are not being told to wear the correct uniform. As well as the great education, the grammar school instills good behaviour too.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 20:24

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:20

What if parents don't want grandma or auntie or whoever picking them up? Surely there is policy in place for this? If parents for example say only mum is allowed to pick up I assume school would follow this and ensure it is followed?

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Jesus, this has already been discussed.

You’re missing the vital bit of information, the bit where you talk to your child and say ‘don’t forget grandma is picking you up tonight’.

If you’ve not had that conversation then your child is likely to point out to a teacher that their parent isn’t there as expected and then the school would phone you.

If you specifically don’t want someone collecting your child and you’re worried they might just turn up then you flag this with the school. They will treat this request seriously.

LeastOfMyWorries · 18/02/2026 20:24

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 20:22

Aw @LeastOfMyWorries you just reminded me of a lovely stranger we met once. We were on holiday in Canada and had been waiting ages at a hot bus stop (there was some confusing issue with re-routing). DD was 5 and getting more and more discombobulated. This grandad age guy started to entertain her. He was really good at it! When the bus came he confessed he'd been a children's TV presenter back in the day!

An example of a lovely interaction you would never have had if you didn’t let your children talk to strangers. I hope the OP actually gets a reality check from this thread and comes back to read it in future when she has a healthier mindset.

I vote all bus stops have a children’s entertainer in situ!!

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 20:24

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:20

What if parents don't want grandma or auntie or whoever picking them up? Surely there is policy in place for this? If parents for example say only mum is allowed to pick up I assume school would follow this and ensure it is followed?

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Yes there would be. It is not uncommon to have issues if e.g. parents are acrimoniously separated or families are estranged.

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 20:22

Aw @LeastOfMyWorries you just reminded me of a lovely stranger we met once. We were on holiday in Canada and had been waiting ages at a hot bus stop (there was some confusing issue with re-routing). DD was 5 and getting more and more discombobulated. This grandad age guy started to entertain her. He was really good at it! When the bus came he confessed he'd been a children's TV presenter back in the day!

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:20

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 20:18

Unlikely in KS2 as the child will be to tell them
that grandma is picking them up.

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What if parents don't want grandma or auntie or whoever picking them up? Surely there is policy in place for this? If parents for example say only mum is allowed to pick up I assume school would follow this and ensure it is followed?

OP posts:

Pipsquiggle · 18/02/2026 20:19

@Karma1387
Back in one of your first posts you stated that you hated where you live.
Why don't you use the Mumsnet hive mind to help you find an area / town that might meet your needs.
Do you have an area that you need to be able to get to for your DPs job or you want to be close to family?
Or are you completely flexible on location?
What's your approximate house budget?
How many bedrooms do you need?

What I would say is if you want to move once rather twice, I would think more about the secondary/ grammar school than the primary school in terms of location

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:19

LeastOfMyWorries · 18/02/2026 20:06

I didn’t see this reply when I just posted. Personally i resent the inference that most of us on here with a different viewpoint to your own don’t want to keep our children safe. Of course that’s what we want. However the responsibility of a parent is not just “keep them safe”. It’s to prepare them for the world, to help them become well rounded young people ready to go out into the world and grab the opportunities it offers, while being able to take care of themselves and contributing to society too.

Those things are equally as crucial if they are to thrive and not all will happen if you never take your eyes off your child. They might be safe but what life is that for them really?

You need a lot more mental health support in my view.

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I'm sorry I didn't mean those with different views dont care about safety. More everyone has different views on what is OTT with regards to safety and what is normal. I am really sorry if I offended anyone!

OP posts:

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 20:18

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 20:15

So they would only allow them to go if it was a parent getting them? If it was a grandparent or friend they would require parental permission and possibly a passphrase like at nursery?

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Unlikely in KS2 as the child will be to tell them
that grandma is picking them up.