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AIBU?

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Original poster

How are Grammar schools so much better than comprehensives if they get the same funding?

918 replies

Karma1387 · 16/02/2026 15:33

Me and my partner are in a situation where we are looking to relocate in order to move to a Grammar school area. This is going to involve us both having to find new jobs and coordinate a house move at the same time.

Some of my family disagree with our decision to move for the sake of grammar school and don't see how they can be better than a normal comprehensive school.

I am hoping some people on here will have some knowledge on how grammar schools achieve so much better than comprehensives?

Also anyone with experience with grammar schools they could share? From what I have read the class sizes aren't much different to comprehensives and they get the same funding. Is it literally just a case of because they do the 11+ they tend to only take on the more academically inclined kids. Does this translate to less bad behaviour etc compared to comprehensive schools?

The move is going to be stressful with us both trying to find new jobs plus moving further away from both our families I want it to be worth it! Our local comprehensive is awful for results and we want to give the kids the best opportunities.

Personally I would rather homeschool and fully keep them out of the school system but my partner is very against this and is determined we need to move to a grammar school area so any advise to aid our discussion would be amazing!

Are we being unreasonable to relocate for the possibility of grammar school?

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:46

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:31

It of course depends on where they are but hence I said or go into a shop. You can't assume a mum with a child is a safe person is more the point.

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Probably best to assume police officers aren't either then!

Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:39

LeastOfMyWorries · 18/02/2026 21:34

Please be very careful with that sentiment- there may be times he has to speak to someone he doesn’t know and being fearful of it might actually endanger him more.

my son was able to knock on someone’s door at nearly 4 and ask for help because his granny who he was on a walk with had had a heart attack. That’s real life. Sometimes we need strangers. I have never taught my children stranger danger and glad of it.

Do you talk to strangers?

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No I don't talk to strangers. Again unless its saying please or thank you or ordering something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:38

Pipsquiggle · 18/02/2026 21:33

So do you have a preferred location @Karma1387 ?
We could help if you gave us some info rather than wanging on about pick up procedures

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Honestly we don't know. Partner wants to be Essex. We have considered stamford/grantham way for the grammar school option but there have been a fair few comments on here about it not being a great place and the comprehensives not being good so we aren't sure on that one.

I don't know if there is a grammar location we are going to be able to agree on without one of us being unhappy so I think we are really going to have to just weigh up how much grammar school really matters to my partner and if hes willing to relent on it try to move to a nicer part of Cambridgeshire with better schools or apply out of catchment for now if we can't afford the house prices.

OP posts:
LeastOfMyWorries · 18/02/2026 21:34

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:27

I would never tell my kids to find a mummy with a child if he was lost. If I was to teach him anything it would be find a policeman or a shop worker.

Women with children doesn't make that person safe.

But you are correct I can't stop him talking to strangers but I can explain we don't talk to people we don't know.

Show quote history

Please be very careful with that sentiment- there may be times he has to speak to someone he doesn’t know and being fearful of it might actually endanger him more.

my son was able to knock on someone’s door at nearly 4 and ask for help because his granny who he was on a walk with had had a heart attack. That’s real life. Sometimes we need strangers. I have never taught my children stranger danger and glad of it.

Do you talk to strangers?

Pipsquiggle · 18/02/2026 21:33

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:21

We are actually currently up cambridgeshire way. We moved from essex when I got pregnant as I own a house here which was much cheaper than Essex rent!

We have looked at rayleigh etc its just very expensive and over 2 hours from my dad so although we would be closer to my partners family I am closer with my dad than he is with his family.

But it is always a possible option.

Show quote history

So do you have a preferred location @Karma1387 ?
We could help if you gave us some info rather than wanging on about pick up procedures

Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:33

Thank you so much for so many replies. It has kind of gone on a bit of a non grammar school related tangent but I really appreciate all the information and opinions on all topics.

Its given us a lot to think about and discuss over the next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:31

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:30

Where the heck do you live that there are enough police officers walking around that that would make sense as advice?!

Actually where I teach the local shops have "safe haven" stickers so kids can go in there if they have concerns, as we have an issue with muggings for phones.

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It of course depends on where they are but hence I said or go into a shop. You can't assume a mum with a child is a safe person is more the point.

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:30

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:27

I would never tell my kids to find a mummy with a child if he was lost. If I was to teach him anything it would be find a policeman or a shop worker.

Women with children doesn't make that person safe.

But you are correct I can't stop him talking to strangers but I can explain we don't talk to people we don't know.

Show quote history

Where the heck do you live that there are enough police officers walking around that that would make sense as advice?!

Actually where I teach the local shops have "safe haven" stickers so kids can go in there if they have concerns, as we have an issue with muggings for phones.

Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 18/02/2026 21:30

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:27

I would never tell my kids to find a mummy with a child if he was lost. If I was to teach him anything it would be find a policeman or a shop worker.

Women with children doesn't make that person safe.

But you are correct I can't stop him talking to strangers but I can explain we don't talk to people we don't know.

Show quote history

Mummy with children is the least worst option in an open place like a busy street or park. Gently, we all had a plan. Then they turned adventurous and we were in the back foot

CurryTonite · 18/02/2026 21:29

Before quitting your jobs and moving house look into the chances of your kid actually getting a place, they are beyond competitive, they select only the top performers which means parents who take education seriously and are organised. They’re only bette because they select the best of the best.

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 21:29

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:27

Good luck sister! I was hopeful re Vinted but muggins here is posting all the parcels...

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Haha typical eh? 😂

Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:29

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:22

Friends are just strangers you haven't got to know yet I guess.

That doesn't apply to an adult and a child though! Meeting a child at park and my son talking to them is one thing. My son going to a park and talking to a adult is very different. My child and a random adult are not going to be 'friends'

OP posts:
HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 21:28

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:23

He will see grandparents and great grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins so he will learnt to talk to different people and generations through people we know. It doesn't need to be taught by talking to strangers.

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So you plan on isolating your son from wider society? This isn’t a healthy approach to parenting and it will have a negative impact on your child as he grows up.

But you don’t seem to care. Poor kid.

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:27

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 21:26

Haha me too! I’m hoping it’ll translate into a part time job at some point!

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Good luck sister! I was hopeful re Vinted but muggins here is posting all the parcels...

Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:27

Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 18/02/2026 21:22

But you can’t control his interactions indefinitely. Whether that’s a granny in the queue for ice cream who starts a chat or a cleaner in a cafe who asks him to move or where he is lost momentarily and you have told him to ask a mummy with children for help in a tight spot. You need to prepare your child to speak with people his immediate family have not introduced him to. That comes from a variety of interactions but also adults who have applied for a place for their child at his school ( where the school have their contact details and child will never be unsupervised)

Show quote history

I would never tell my kids to find a mummy with a child if he was lost. If I was to teach him anything it would be find a policeman or a shop worker.

Women with children doesn't make that person safe.

But you are correct I can't stop him talking to strangers but I can explain we don't talk to people we don't know.

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:27

We had a bit of a wakeup call on this when we lost DD for a few minutes at a forest park. She didn't know the classic advice to stay still, not keep moving, and someone tried to help her but she was scared and ran off. We had the "ask an adult for help"/"sit on a bench and stay there" conversation and made her memorise mobile numbers!

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 21:26

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:21

I mean I'm 50/50 "argh" and 50/50 "my work here is done" when I find out this stuff.

DD has a few issues and is neurodiverse but is somehow also rather streetwise. And your son will never be hungry!

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Haha me too! I’m hoping it’ll translate into a part time job at some point!

Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:23

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 21:19

Life is so much more than basic manners and niceties though.
What about the art of conversation? Interacting with different people and different generations?

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He will see grandparents and great grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins so he will learnt to talk to different people and generations through people we know. It doesn't need to be taught by talking to strangers.

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:22

Friends are just strangers you haven't got to know yet I guess.

Cantquitebelievewhatitscometo · 18/02/2026 21:22

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:16

He will learn to interact when we order food in a restaurant or go shopping or to days out when we get tickets from staff.

He can learn manners and basic niceties through these interactions.

Show quote history

But you can’t control his interactions indefinitely. Whether that’s a granny in the queue for ice cream who starts a chat or a cleaner in a cafe who asks him to move or where he is lost momentarily and you have told him to ask a mummy with children for help in a tight spot. You need to prepare your child to speak with people his immediate family have not introduced him to. That comes from a variety of interactions but also adults who have applied for a place for their child at his school ( where the school have their contact details and child will never be unsupervised)

Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:22

CanYouHearYourself · 18/02/2026 21:20

So... He will be talking to people then?!

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Yes he will talk to people when needed to be polite. I wouldn't be encouraging him to talk to a random person sat near us or at the park though.

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 21:21

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 21:17

DS has been volunteering to go and collect our takeaway recently and I just thought he was being helpful…nope turns out they give him a coke and free poppadoms while he waits!!

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I mean I'm 50/50 "argh" and 50/50 "my work here is done" when I find out this stuff.

DD has a few issues and is neurodiverse but is somehow also rather streetwise. And your son will never be hungry!

Original poster
Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:21

JollyLion · 18/02/2026 21:13

Haven’t read all posts / replies so apologies if already covered. I’m assuming you’re south east based as you mentioned Chelmsford. Can I suggest you take a look at Rayleigh / Benfleet - both areas are catchment for the Southend Grammers, but also have good comprehensive secondaries as back up. Plus good transport links into London for the long long term planning of employment opportunities 😊

We are actually currently up cambridgeshire way. We moved from essex when I got pregnant as I own a house here which was much cheaper than Essex rent!

We have looked at rayleigh etc its just very expensive and over 2 hours from my dad so although we would be closer to my partners family I am closer with my dad than he is with his family.

But it is always a possible option.

OP posts:
CanYouHearYourself · 18/02/2026 21:20

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:16

He will learn to interact when we order food in a restaurant or go shopping or to days out when we get tickets from staff.

He can learn manners and basic niceties through these interactions.

Show quote history

So... He will be talking to people then?!

HighLadyofTheNightCourt · 18/02/2026 21:19

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 21:16

He will learn to interact when we order food in a restaurant or go shopping or to days out when we get tickets from staff.

He can learn manners and basic niceties through these interactions.

Show quote history

Life is so much more than basic manners and niceties though.
What about the art of conversation? Interacting with different people and different generations?

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