Page 13 | How are Grammar schools so much better than comprehensives if they get the same funding?

Karma1387 · 2026-02-16T15:33:32+00:00

Me and my partner are in a situation where we are looking to relocate in order to move to a Grammar school area. This is going to involve us both having to find new jobs and coordinate a house move at the same time. Some of my family disagree with our decision to move for the sake of grammar school and don't see how they can be better than a normal comprehensive school. I am hoping some people on here will have some knowledge on how grammar schools achieve so much better than comprehensives? Also anyone with experience with grammar schools they could share? From what I have read the class sizes aren't much different to comprehensives and they get the same funding. Is it literally just a case of because they do the 11+ they tend to only take on the more academically inclined kids. Does this translate to less bad behaviour etc compared to comprehensive schools? The move is going to be stressful with us both trying to find new jobs plus moving further away from both our families I want it to be worth it! Our local comprehensive is awful for results and we want to give the kids the best opportunities. Personally I would rather homeschool and fully keep them out of the school system but my partner is very against this and is determined we need to move to a grammar school area so any advise to aid our discussion would be amazing! Are we being unreasonable to relocate for the possibility of grammar school?

Astronautsdontcareaboutbeans · 18/02/2026 16:43

And without trying to sound rude, but it’s relevant, your posts are full of typos and bad grammar ie consistent wrong uses of their/ there. No that doesn’t matter for a forum, but it matters if you’re your child’s sole educator.

Astronautsdontcareaboutbeans · 18/02/2026 16:39

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 16:18

Had plenty of therapy over the years regarding my anxiety. My reasons for not wanting to send my kids to school isn't to do with anxiety. Its to do with not wanting my 4-5 year old stuck at school for over 6 hours a day 5 days a week. Its me not wanting my kids sat in a classroom of 30 kids wasting their days with teachers dealing with issues or not having the time to help kids because their are so many.

But as I said its not just about what I want. If my partner insists on school then I will have to be open to it but only if we find a school we are happy with and on the agreement they can come out of it if they are unhappy.

Of course my child could end up being the disruptive one or the one with SEN. You never know but I don't think it makes me 'anxious' when many many parents are choosing to home educate because lots don't like the school system or feel failed by the school system.

My partner already let me give up my career despite not wanting me to so I am trying to be open minded for him hence exploring our options.

Show quote history

I think you’re fundamentally misunderstanding what primary school is like. Learning is play based for the first few years. They’re not sitting at desks like you’re imagining. My child’s school was mostly free flow until year 1 or 2. Even then, what they do is fun - she’s year 6 now and she loves it. She makes sculptures, they write plays and stories and it’s so much more imaginative and stimulating than being sat taught by you, who has no experience. Why don’t you actually go and visit some schools.

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 16:33

I can see the appeal if you're in North London or say Cambridge. I can't in a thinly populated local area - but locate some nearby groups and go along? See what you think.

Something else to consider is the falling birth rate. Schools will be closing and amalgamating in many areas.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 16:30

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 16:26

Children educated at home may be rising but it's still what, 1.5% of the relevant age group? And not all of it is voluntary.

I think given your area you might find there aren't many other home educating families which could be something to consider. I haven't tried it myself but if I did I'd want a few other families to hang out with or it'd be a bit lonely.

I see more and more home educating posts even in my area (although I would most likely look at groups outside of our area as we aren't keen on it).

Homeschooling is always going to be a much lower amount as how many parents can afford to live on only 1 salary and lots of women don't want to give up their careers even if they can (good for them if thats what they want!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 16:27

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 16:24

Your starting point is that the school system is terrible and you don't want your children to be part of it. Your starting point is extreme and fixed, the very opposite of open-minded.

Show quote history

I am open minded in the sense of if me insisting on homeschooling from the beginning would cause serious issues between me and my partner I am willing to explore school options outside our catchment area.

In my heart I know I want to keep him at home until at least year 3 as I don't think a 4-5 year old needs to be in school 5 days a week. But my partner doesn't agree and doesn't think it will be good for him so I am open to looking at other options even if thats not what I want for my kids.

So thats about as open minded as I can be on the subject.

OP posts:

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 16:26

Children educated at home may be rising but it's still what, 1.5% of the relevant age group? And not all of it is voluntary.

I think given your area you might find there aren't many other home educating families which could be something to consider. I haven't tried it myself but if I did I'd want a few other families to hang out with or it'd be a bit lonely.

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 16:24

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 16:18

Had plenty of therapy over the years regarding my anxiety. My reasons for not wanting to send my kids to school isn't to do with anxiety. Its to do with not wanting my 4-5 year old stuck at school for over 6 hours a day 5 days a week. Its me not wanting my kids sat in a classroom of 30 kids wasting their days with teachers dealing with issues or not having the time to help kids because their are so many.

But as I said its not just about what I want. If my partner insists on school then I will have to be open to it but only if we find a school we are happy with and on the agreement they can come out of it if they are unhappy.

Of course my child could end up being the disruptive one or the one with SEN. You never know but I don't think it makes me 'anxious' when many many parents are choosing to home educate because lots don't like the school system or feel failed by the school system.

My partner already let me give up my career despite not wanting me to so I am trying to be open minded for him hence exploring our options.

Show quote history

Your starting point is that the school system is terrible and you don't want your children to be part of it. Your starting point is extreme and fixed, the very opposite of open-minded.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 16:18

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 16:10

'As a parent who doesn't want to send their child to school.' It's only a matter of time before your anxiety transfers itself to your children. Perhaps confronting your anxiety about school eg through counselling might relieve some of the pressure on the discussions you are having with your DP.

Show quote history

Had plenty of therapy over the years regarding my anxiety. My reasons for not wanting to send my kids to school isn't to do with anxiety. Its to do with not wanting my 4-5 year old stuck at school for over 6 hours a day 5 days a week. Its me not wanting my kids sat in a classroom of 30 kids wasting their days with teachers dealing with issues or not having the time to help kids because their are so many.

But as I said its not just about what I want. If my partner insists on school then I will have to be open to it but only if we find a school we are happy with and on the agreement they can come out of it if they are unhappy.

Of course my child could end up being the disruptive one or the one with SEN. You never know but I don't think it makes me 'anxious' when many many parents are choosing to home educate because lots don't like the school system or feel failed by the school system.

My partner already let me give up my career despite not wanting me to so I am trying to be open minded for him hence exploring our options.

OP posts:

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 16:10

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 16:02

I do imagine it because as a parent who doesn't want to send their child to school it is a worry.

Of course there are 2 of us in this parenting journey so it isn't just about what I want hence I am not forcing my partner to let me homeschool. We are having long discussions regarding the present and future to try and make a decision which is best for our kids and also for us.

However as stated I wont let my kids be miserable in school if my partner gets what he wants and they attend. If they want out and I am at home anyway and can homeschool them I will if they are seriously unhappy.

Show quote history

'As a parent who doesn't want to send their child to school.' It's only a matter of time before your anxiety transfers itself to your children. Perhaps confronting your anxiety about school eg through counselling might relieve some of the pressure on the discussions you are having with your DP.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 16:02

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:58

I am sure that virtually every parent would withdraw their child from school under the circumstances you describe, including me. But that experience is not the experience of the majority yet you are already imagining it when your elder child is two!

Show quote history

I do imagine it because as a parent who doesn't want to send their child to school it is a worry.

Of course there are 2 of us in this parenting journey so it isn't just about what I want hence I am not forcing my partner to let me homeschool. We are having long discussions regarding the present and future to try and make a decision which is best for our kids and also for us.

However as stated I wont let my kids be miserable in school if my partner gets what he wants and they attend. If they want out and I am at home anyway and can homeschool them I will if they are seriously unhappy.

OP posts:

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:58

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:48

There is a difference between not liking something and hating it and it making you anxious and depressed.

No if my kids were sent to school and they just couldn't be bothered or wasn't in the mood then no I wouldn't pull them out. If my child is coming home every single day crying, miserable, if feedback from school is they are withdrawn and clearly distressed at being there then hell yes I would pull them out unless school had a way of changing it.

As I said there is a difference between not wanting to do something and being forced to do something which is clearly affecting your health and wellbeing.

Show quote history

I am sure that virtually every parent would withdraw their child from school under the circumstances you describe, including me. But that experience is not the experience of the majority yet you are already imagining it when your elder child is two!

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:54

Swiftie1878 · 18/02/2026 15:40

Oh boy. You have a long, stressful few years ahead of you.

Show quote history

I don't disagree. We have a lot to work out before school applications next year.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:52

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:45

Did you not think to discuss how you would bring up your children before creating them? The differences between you sound pretty fundamental.

Show quote history

Honestly I knew before I had kids I wasn't a fan of schools but I was in my career and when I got pregnant I convinced myself I would want to continue my career to have lots of money and we would move back to Essex by the time they started school and get them into one of the very good primarys there with the option of grammar or private secondary.

Within 2 months of DS being born I knew I wasn't going to return to my job after maternity leave and that meant not being able to move back to Essex and opened up a new possibility of me being able to homeschool them instead. This is when the slight disagreement started as my partner is still keen for them to go to school whereas in my mind without my career I have other options.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:48

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:41

I really, really hated swimming lessons and didn't say a word at home. Since then, I have spent hours of my adult life in swimming pools, lakes and oceans loving every minute. Swimming is a key skill and can save your life.

When I was in loco parentis for a friend's 15-year old daughter, I left for work one morning reminding her that she needed to go to the laundrette in preparation for a school trip departing the following day. When I got back home, she hadn't gone to the laundrette because she hadn't felt like it. The consequence? She had to pack dirty clothes and wear them for a week in Italy. That's what happens when your mother doesn't insist you do things you find disagreeable.

Our positions are very different. I don't believe a human being can qet through 18 years of life without doing things they don't like. You believe that it is possible, with parental support. You have a very difficult 20 years ahead of you.

Typo

Edited

Show quote history

There is a difference between not liking something and hating it and it making you anxious and depressed.

No if my kids were sent to school and they just couldn't be bothered or wasn't in the mood then no I wouldn't pull them out. If my child is coming home every single day crying, miserable, if feedback from school is they are withdrawn and clearly distressed at being there then hell yes I would pull them out unless school had a way of changing it.

As I said there is a difference between not wanting to do something and being forced to do something which is clearly affecting your health and wellbeing.

OP posts:

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:45

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:35

Lots of familys probably have 2 full time working parents so don't have the option of homeschooling or being picky about where their kids go to school. Some parents may love the area they live in and may like their local schools. Lots of parents have no worries or issues with the education system. Some parents aren't that fussed about education and send their kids to school because its just what you do.

I don't think their is anything wrong with thinking hard about where I want my kids to go. It is also harder as I would prefer to keep him at home at least for a few years whereas my partner would prefer he went to school. This makes it a more complicated situation.

Show quote history

Did you not think to discuss how you would bring up your children before creating them? The differences between you sound pretty fundamental.

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:41

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:05

And there is a very big difference between teaching a child basic manners of sitting through dinner, learning, and being a generally well rounded individual and teaching them that they have to stay in situations that make them genuinly miserable. I wouldn't make my child attend swimming lessons if they really really hated it. Same as I wouldn't make them hug or spend time with someone they don't want to.

There is a balance but I don't agree with making children do things that aren't essential or make them miserable.

Show quote history

I really, really hated swimming lessons and didn't say a word at home. Since then, I have spent hours of my adult life in swimming pools, lakes and oceans loving every minute. Swimming is a key skill and can save your life.

When I was in loco parentis for a friend's 15-year old daughter, I left for work one morning reminding her that she needed to go to the laundrette in preparation for a school trip departing the following day. When I got back home, she hadn't gone to the laundrette because she hadn't felt like it. The consequence? She had to pack dirty clothes and wear them for a week in Italy. That's what happens when your mother doesn't insist you do things you find disagreeable.

Our positions are very different. I don't believe a human being can qet through 18 years of life without doing things they don't like. You believe that it is possible, with parental support. You have a very difficult 20 years ahead of you.

Typo

Swiftie1878 · 18/02/2026 15:40

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 14:58

I think the line is if my child is clearly distressed at going to school. If it is affecting their mental health or if quite frankly they just hate it. I won't make my kids go to something that makea them miserable.

I expect my kids to work hard and apply themselves but that doesn't mean they should be forced to be somewhere if it genuinly makes them miserable. I wouldn't stay in a job or situation that made me depressed so why should I expect my children to.

I made it clear to my partner before we had our first if he insists we go down the public school route and my kids are clearly suffering I will not force them to go.

I find it interesting that I am wrong for being open and willing to homeschool my children because my partner is anti-homeschooling. But its totally okay for me to give up on what I feel is right for my kids and put them into a system I personally dont like and my kids may not like.

There could equally be conflict from my partner insisting my kids go to school but thats apparently okay?

Show quote history

Oh boy. You have a long, stressful few years ahead of you.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:35

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:19

I am going to be very blunt and say that I am perplexed that with a two-year old and a baby on the way you are making so complicated and anxiety-laden something that millions of families organise every year without a murmur. For all the issues we face as a country, we are lucky to live in one in which education is state-funded from the age of four to 18/19 for anyone who wants it.

The easy option is the majority option. Visit schools in your area. Apply for the ones you like, by the local authority deadline; prepare your child by talking about school in a positive way; watch with pleasure as your child plays, learns and makes friends; abd feel tearful that they are becoming independent from you and remind yourself that creating a fully functioning human bring is the purpose of the job of parent.

To achieve the level of choice and control you seem to want, there is also the option of an independent school. But that costs so isn't available to everyone. And even with the financial outlay, there is no guarantee that you or your children will like what you find there.

Show quote history

Lots of familys probably have 2 full time working parents so don't have the option of homeschooling or being picky about where their kids go to school. Some parents may love the area they live in and may like their local schools. Lots of parents have no worries or issues with the education system. Some parents aren't that fussed about education and send their kids to school because its just what you do.

I don't think their is anything wrong with thinking hard about where I want my kids to go. It is also harder as I would prefer to keep him at home at least for a few years whereas my partner would prefer he went to school. This makes it a more complicated situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:29

ChapmanFarm · 18/02/2026 15:19

I think we just don't know how you could possibly know this with a two year old.

Are your local primary schools really that bad?

You do seem to have a few issues around school. You are looking to grammar as the answer but as others have said, it's the opposite of your ethos.

It's quite normal to have a certain amount of anxiety about letting go when it comes to sending them to school. While I don't deny school choices matter, your fixation at this stage feels more like it comes from issues around control and your desire not to leave them.

I'm not saying that to have a dig. Just that it's very hard to look at your two year old and not feel overwhelmingly protective.

Why are you applying for primary out of area? That surely isn't going to result in you getting your first choice.

And don't underestimate what a faff a long school run is with a toddler in tow.

Show quote history

We would be applying out of catchment because the one thing we agree on is we don't want them to go to the ones in our catchment as the results are poor as are a lot of comments from the parents. We also know we don't want to stay where we live long term so finding a school somewhere closer to where we want to live eventually makes sense so we don't have to move DS schools.

Nothing about my issues with Primary schools is about letting go. He goes to nursery 3 days a week and absolutely loves it. My issues with primary schools is more to do with a mixture of not liking the ones in our catchment and also not liking 4 year olds being at school full time as well at the expectations on young children and the disruption in lots of schools.

OP posts:

Mahabaratah · 18/02/2026 15:26

Philandbill · 18/02/2026 15:10

Also, it is cool to be bright at grammar schools. @Tonissister It's been cool to be bright in the sets my DC have been in at their inner city comp too.... If kids are bright they'll be fine at a comp, if they struggle they'll not get into a grammar school either so I'd say finding an area with a good comp is the best idea in case OP's children turn out not to be highly academic.

People are saying "turn out not to be academic" does that mean that it's just what they are born like? And not due to teaching and revision etc?

ChapmanFarm · 18/02/2026 15:19

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:01

I know this but unless we can move to a more expensive area in the next year and a half which is highly unlikely we would have to apply out of catchment anyway.

I don't personally think I would regret homeschooling my kids through primary but I understand you never know until you do something so there is always the risk of then trying to get them into a school we liked.

However as we likely have this issue anyway with us applying out of catchment it isn't so much of a worry.

Show quote history

I think we just don't know how you could possibly know this with a two year old.

Are your local primary schools really that bad?

You do seem to have a few issues around school. You are looking to grammar as the answer but as others have said, it's the opposite of your ethos.

It's quite normal to have a certain amount of anxiety about letting go when it comes to sending them to school. While I don't deny school choices matter, your fixation at this stage feels more like it comes from issues around control and your desire not to leave them.

I'm not saying that to have a dig. Just that it's very hard to look at your two year old and not feel overwhelmingly protective.

Why are you applying for primary out of area? That surely isn't going to result in you getting your first choice.

And don't underestimate what a faff a long school run is with a toddler in tow.

IdaGlossop · 18/02/2026 15:19

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 14:58

I think the line is if my child is clearly distressed at going to school. If it is affecting their mental health or if quite frankly they just hate it. I won't make my kids go to something that makea them miserable.

I expect my kids to work hard and apply themselves but that doesn't mean they should be forced to be somewhere if it genuinly makes them miserable. I wouldn't stay in a job or situation that made me depressed so why should I expect my children to.

I made it clear to my partner before we had our first if he insists we go down the public school route and my kids are clearly suffering I will not force them to go.

I find it interesting that I am wrong for being open and willing to homeschool my children because my partner is anti-homeschooling. But its totally okay for me to give up on what I feel is right for my kids and put them into a system I personally dont like and my kids may not like.

There could equally be conflict from my partner insisting my kids go to school but thats apparently okay?

Show quote history

I am going to be very blunt and say that I am perplexed that with a two-year old and a baby on the way you are making so complicated and anxiety-laden something that millions of families organise every year without a murmur. For all the issues we face as a country, we are lucky to live in one in which education is state-funded from the age of four to 18/19 for anyone who wants it.

The easy option is the majority option. Visit schools in your area. Apply for the ones you like, by the local authority deadline; prepare your child by talking about school in a positive way; watch with pleasure as your child plays, learns and makes friends; abd feel tearful that they are becoming independent from you and remind yourself that creating a fully functioning human bring is the purpose of the job of parent.

To achieve the level of choice and control you seem to want, there is also the option of an independent school. But that costs so isn't available to everyone. And even with the financial outlay, there is no guarantee that you or your children will like what you find there.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 18/02/2026 15:13

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 15:09

Public school route? Meaning state school?

Have you and your husband been into any primary schools since being at them yourself? I think you may be pleasantly surprised. You could start by doing the rounds of the school fetes this summer, to get a general flavour.

Show quote history

Yes I mean state school.

I have been into primary schools since I left school but no we are trying to get a rough idea of where we want to be before we start looking. We know we don't want to send him to any of our catchment ones so we are working out rough areas we might like and then looking at the review data and then making a list.

OP posts:

Philandbill · 18/02/2026 15:10

Also, it is cool to be bright at grammar schools. @Tonissister It's been cool to be bright in the sets my DC have been in at their inner city comp too.... If kids are bright they'll be fine at a comp, if they struggle they'll not get into a grammar school either so I'd say finding an area with a good comp is the best idea in case OP's children turn out not to be highly academic.

Needlenardlenoo · 18/02/2026 15:10

I mean secondary sounds like the main issue and that's 8 years' off at least!