Am I being unreasonable to want to go to my inlaws today?

It seems like your husband has a window every day when he is feeling better, since he can go out to eat every day. Can you and the children meet up with him during that time? Meet up with him in a restaurant?

Jesus
I couldn't be wasting my time with this nonsense and I wouldnt want my kids around him.

He sounds fucking pathetic and I wouldn't want my children getting any ideas and modelling this behaviour.

Take him to piss off and come back when hes sorted himself out. He cannot be having any kind of net positive effect on your children.

The in laws are okay with the kids...? on that basis
I'd arrange to meet his parents out and about cafes / playgrounds/ days out and tell him to take me to court.
If they arent, dont facilitate contact.. but i'd only recommend that if they are truly awful vs i dont like them.

Ultimately... its your kids and both sets of parents housing their adult children and GC i feel sorry for

Sweetheart. When you were 9 and dreamed of being a princess was this the life you imagined? Was this family life how you imagined?

You deserve better. He may well be ill, but he needs to seek help and do better. You are juggling enough life to solve this. x

he wanted to be a present dad and teach them

@Kardelen what on earth could he teach them. He hardly sees them, has moved away, has agoraphobia and can't go out except when he's hungry, won't collect them from school...

Why would you LET him teach them anything?

He doesn’t want to hassle his mum, so he eats out every day

He says he feels like he has agoraphobia so is scared to be alone outside on the journey

It's interesting that his "agoraphobia" clears up when he's hungry.

@Kardelen He doesn't want to be a parent. You are already separated - you're living in different houses.
Is he providing any financial support for food or clothing for his children?
Is he doing anything positive for them?
He's certainly not reading them a story and putting them to bed, is he?

Don't let this carry on.
Get some legal advice.

Sounds to me like he just can’t be arsed to parent. Many of us mothers have suffered with post natal depression and aren’t able to simply ‘opt out’ - even if it is genuine depression, my sympathy is capped if he isn’t seeking help.

It's very expensive to eat out/have takeaways every day. How is he affording this if he's not working?
I usually limit takeaways to once a week and am pretty comfortably off, have to admit it.
He is taking the piss.

he doesn’t want to hassle his mum, so he eats out every day.

I assume you mean gets a takeaway delivered?

Is there any reason he doesn’t just cook?
Why does he not cook for himself as well as his parents?
Its the least he can do for them.

Does he work?
How does he afford to eat takeaway every single day - that’s money his kids could be using.

OP you need to work on your boundaries - he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too.

Questions you need to ask
What treatment is he receiving ? If none, why not ?

Is he paying towards the upkeep of the kids ? If not, why not ?

If he can get out of the house for food, why can't he can get out of the house to

visit his kids ?

How long are you prepared to put up with this without him changing ?

This is the sort of situation that can drag on and on. Something has to change - and if he can't change, you will need to be the one who does, otherwise you'll still be in this situation in 5 / 10 years.

I vividly recall a "step up or ship out" conversation I had with my DP who had depression for several years and was refusing to seek help. He honestly thought that because I stayed, things were OK between us. I'd been walking on egg shells for years, and he had interpretated that as me being OK. Have that conversation sooner rather than later - this situation is not, and never has been OK and is having a negative impact on the children and your relationship.

I used to have severe anxiety so got therapy and medication for it. I didn't get to check out of parenting like this piss taker. What a cushty life he has

There is no way I’d put up with any of that.

So he can go out everyday to eat out so he doesn’t hassle his mum but he can’t go out to do the school run for his own children because that’s too much for him? He’s walking all over you and you’re allowing it

Do you have a family home, or did he previously live with you at your parents’ house?
He’s taking you for a ride.

Classic “feels like he has agrophobia” but has he? Has he tried therapy? Has the tried helping himself.

He checked out of adult life and dad life. He still thinks you’re in a marriage and he gets to call the shots. Yet he’s getting out of being a dad, doing the housework etc whilst you do everything.

You are allowing yourself to be treated like this and he needs you to tell him the hard truth… that’s the kindest thing to do.

Did you post about not wanting to go and see the new baby at your in-laws house? I’m not sure you said your husband lived there too and you live apart.

is he getting help, he’s clearly very unwell.

You don't have to do what he decides you should do. He's not your boss, and he's not acting like a husband. He's barely acting like a friend.
Tell him to jog on.

What do you mean 'home with us'. Did you all stay at your parents?

I don't think I'd have the patience OP..maybe end it properly, get a contact order in place and give your kids some stability.

You know this is bullshit, don't you? His agoraphobia means he can't be alone in his own car but he can go to restaurants every day. He is too anxious to speak to your parents but not too anxious to speak to restaurant servers. He doesn't want to hassle his mum but he's perfectly happy to hassle you to drive to him all the time. He's out of it when he's with you and the kids and yet his priority is insisting you go and chat to his mum to keep her happy. He's taking the piss. Sorry

So he goes out to eat every day but is agoraphobic when it comes to anything else including any kind of parenting like school runs or coming to your parents to parent his children. ... why are you not divorcing this male?

You’re separated. You can dress it up however you like but that bottom line is he is not your partner, nor is he parenting his children, so at that point do whatever works for you and the kids, just like he’s doing what works for him.

You still haven’t said…

IS HE GETTING TREATMENT FOR HIS MH ISSUES?

So he CAN go out alone - to get food. Every day. ??

What treatment is he receiving for his MH issues?
If the answer is none, you need to separate formally, and go your own way. This is not getting better and your kids are seeing it all.
They need to be your priority.

Have you lived together before in your own house or have you always lived with your parents? This sounds a very difficult situation.