Division of responsibilities

I run my own business from home it’s quite full on & I never really switch off. It would equate to full time hours! It’s not easy and sometimes I do resent DH for his lack of child/ house help but it does work for us the majority of the time.

To be fair to op I don’t think she is asking her dh to go 50:50 with housework/parenting but just a bit more than he currently does? Does he literally do nothing with the dc/house all evening every evening op? Empty dishwasher? Read a bed time story to older ones?

In my house the children would already be in bed and I would have eaten with them, so he would be doing his own dinner.
I am not sure how old the other children are, but surely most 3 year olds are in bed by 7.30?

I think if OP is unhappy with the arrangement of him working longer hours a bigger discussion is needed. E.g. him getting a job with fewer hours (but then earning less) and maybe she would then work full time..both equal then in terms of being out doing paid work and a better argument for doing 50:50 housework.

The child free days are school days though aren't they and she goes to the gym for an hour or so. His Sunday off more than makes up for that. Just because she is part time doesn't mean she has to do everything. People work and still parent in the evenings. It sounds like he is using the fact he work two extra days as a reason to sit back and do bugger all the rest of the time.

But in the evening he could do dinner for him and his wife a couple of times a week? Or read bedtime story for the older ones (depending on ages) once a week. Finishing at 1930 doesn’t get him out of all aspects of parenting I don’t believe. Yes I see Op has 2 days off in the week - 1 day she does housework/admin and the second day she goes to the gym. On a Sunday the dh gets to do what he wants too. I don’t know - there’s a reason op is feeling like this and I think she should really consider what that is. Maybe op you feel unsettled in the current routine? Do you enjoy your job?
Op what was the division of chores/parenting like when your dc were smaller/babies? Could it be that you are holding onto resentment from that time? Or that you thought by now you would be less tired? Less stressed?

If he doesn't finish work til 7.30 I don't think he has time to do much in the evening.
Are you also missing that OP has two childfree days to get things done or do her own thing?

I don’t understand the thought process of he works hard so doesn’t have to parent in the evening or even make dinner/clear away after dinner. I’m a single mum (sorry to trot that out) and have to do it despite being tired from work. Fair enough you do the bulk in the evenings but he should still contribute too.
What if you worked full time? Would he be more 50/50 then? or is it purely his full time hours and your part time hours that are stopping him?

eta how old are your older 2 dc? Are all 3 his?

It's not all about the two of you and whats fair between you both, it's also about whats fair to the kids. He decided to have children, that means he owes them some of his time.

Do you know, many of us work full time and long hours and parent children as well? When we finish work we make the most of whatever time is left. We get stuff ready for the next day. We make sure homework is done.

Yes you are really living the dream!
You have two days a week to yourself. What exactly are all these jobs you do? Maybe list them and people can help you schedule the week.
I would suggest the childfree days you use to batch cook and meal plan so the days you work you have something quick and easy to hand for dinner.
Bigger cleaning tasks can also be done on these days.
The days you work the focus would purely be on eating and getting kids to bed.

Op, is it that he doesn't actually really parent and leaves all of the dealing with children to you? Even though he is in the house a fair bit? Yes that would be annoying. If you had a full time job too, who would be doing the parenting then? Would the kids just be allowed to do as they like? I wouldn't like his attitude that he provides more money so he gets to sit back and watch you bring his kids up.

Also, the money....it sounds like he has much more to spend on himself than you, especially now the mortgage is paid off. Is that right? OP, would you say he sees himself as the head of the family rather than a partnership?

So you have at least one, maybe two days when you aren't at work and the children aren't at home so you are child free and you still think be should be doing more?! This is insane! He works long hours so isn't available to help then, earns a really good amount to have paid off the mortgage so you have the security of a home, plus you mention him saving for your future. You are onto a good deal!

You need to think about the hours worked and perhaps use your time more wisely.

I’ve never seen a MN post in which the person working long hours and earning most of the money is described as also expected to be doing 50% of the direct care? They clearly can’t. The majority around this support the person who works less doing more at home, then both chipping in with whatever’s left over. I can’t fathom where you or the other poster referring to this have seen posts demanding long working hours AND 50% of direct care.

Essentially parents have two responsibilities: direct care and financial support. They are BOTH essential. When we’re earning the money that puts food on the table we’re also parenting……if we as parents aren’t responsible for paying for our children, who is? Exactly how these dual responsibilities are split will vary from family to family.

The goal surely is to both have some downtime, to both get to sleep in sometimes, to both have spare cash to spend and to both spend time with the children. As long as nobody’s taking the piss, it doesn’t matter exactly what that looks like.

Out of interest, what's your personal experience of being the main breadwinner in a demanding role with long hours?

Sorry, that was for @raysan

Partner has the easy role here! None of the mental load, or real parenting

This.
You asked - which I thinks shows you have an idea y might be a little U.
yes you are.
if the roles were reversed would you be happy with him asking you to do more when he gets to go to the gym for 2h one day and have a bit of a chill on the other. When you were working till 7.30 pm weekdays and getting up to take the kids to club at the weekend. Come on Op! Yabvvu !

Whose life would you prefer? I think it's easy to slip into feeling like you do, but it sounds like you have more options of what to do with your time than he does, especially on days off without the children. You could work more and buy in more help if you wanted.

I think it sounds like he's doing enough tbh. It seems that you both get some time to rest, but neither of you seem to be getting loads more than the other. Remember that his job is likely to be stressful if he is earning enough to support you all.

I do think it's fair to want him to take now of a share of the work with the kids. But you might need to increase your own financial contribution to enable him to do that, so that might not be viable. I don't really think you can expect him to work really long hours and then pitch in at home when your own work schedule is so much less demanding.