Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

OP, sorry, I can tell you're upset obviously, but you're not being coherent at all. Where is the cheating and 'doesn't love you' come from? If you want meaningful opinions and advice then you need to be clearer about your thought process and what has led to it.

The way he speaks to you is completely unacceptable.

Honestly I think you would be so much happier without him dragging you down.

I think it’s a him problem- doggy and going on top are as vanillla as it comes isn’t it ?! Hardly scandalous and derogatory!

You’re really focused on if there is someone else. I don’t think this indicates he is cheating no. But there is clearly something very wrong.

it seems you’ve a lot of sex, but missionary and he doesn’t want dressing up or other positions so he has very fixed ideas. He also dislikes the idea he is expected to have sex. He appears to think women who do anything other than missionary or wear lingerie are whores and desperate. That’s an extreme view.

you need to spend some time talking to each other, and try to get to the bottom of it.

if ir was me, I’d be thinking he’s spending a lot of time looking at porn, possibly paying for sex where he does stuff he doesn’t want to do wirh you and that’s why he reacts badly.

so if I was to guess, I’d say no no affair. Bur either porn and prostitution or looking at weird misogynistic incel stuff on line,

That’s awful the way he’s spoken to you, is he like that outside of sex? Does he comment on what you wear etc generally?

I would not be having sex with him again after that.

GP appointment might be a good idea - talk to them about what's going on, in as few words as "I think my marriage is over, I am feeling low in confidence" if you aren't sure where to begin. They can support with referrals to talking therapies, to screen for STIs if you think you need it, and can sign off work for a week if you need to recover from stress if things go that way. Start ringing round solicitors and just outlining where you stand roughly - it can sometimes take a few calls to find the right one x

Saying you are acting desperate for suggesting you wear nice lingerie is beyond the pale. How totally patronising! This is not normal, and I agree that something's wrong.

OP, I would gather yourself and practice some self-care for a few days, and then talk to him. Whatever happens, it's not the end of the world. Plenty of people have divorced spouses who make them feel awful and gone on to have further relationships that are what relationships should be.

Sending hugs xxx I can't imagine being sex-shamed by a spouse like this.

Please OP see a solicitor.
You are sad and emotional.
Do not walk away from what you are entitled to.
He sounds vile.
Decent men do not use such language to the women they love.
He wouldn't be touching me again, that's for sure.
You need to speak to someone, how about a therapist if you are cagey about friends at this point?
If you have a spare bedroom, move in there.

see a solicitor x

mine didn't have an IRL mistress (that I know about, but its totally possible) his issue was with ladies of the internet, and that really warped his mind/other parts- actually that sentence is too passive, he had a life long addiction that I was oblivious to, but I was caught in a hellish no(wo)man's land- I was to be available to him, because wife duties, but not enjoy myself (ha) or risk falling into the whore-zone. Eyeroll.

If friends seem a bit too much for now (I get that, it was one of the last things I did) do you have any family you could at least say something vague to- I just said "I think the marriage is ending, he's not faithful" to begin with, and I told work (I had a good manager) that my marriage was ending so that they knew why I was a bit wobbly.

I obvs can't speak for your DH but vast majority of the time, if there is another man/woman/other the H prefers to "monkey branch" and will only make the leap when they are sure of another person to guarantee the sex-housekeeping-childcare golden triangle that they have on tap chez-married life.

its so hard to know what to suggest op, other than heading over to the relationships board, read the links in blue, and put your ducks in a quiet little row while you think/plan/figure out whats going on. I found MN a lifeline. Still do, still at ground zero, its been a couple of months

Surely there is more to this.

How is he treating you around the house outside the bedroom? Do you have access to your own money? Can you go out by yourself whenever you want? Do you have friends?

You start by reading Why Does He Do That? Here’s a free PDF: https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

oh op @BeNimblePeachDuck 💔he's putting you down to control you ...he sounds like he is shaming you to break your confidence - my ex did that with me, not so much in the sex life department, although it was part of it, he just more generally chipped away at my self esteem until there wasn't much of me left. It's a thing, sadly, and has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him

Please read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. And reach out to someone IRL

Then things have changed. He is now abusive towards you. Time to end it.

Id be so hurt if my partner spoke to me like this, its not okay

But now its solely missionary? If you can both orgasm from that, fine i guess but doggy or on top is perfectly normal, no need to be shamed.

You have suspisions already, I think you need to take notice.

I think you need to address the sexual stuff before asking him if he's having an affair.

Could you have a calm conversation where you tell him how you don't understand why you've stopped having sex in certain positions. Ask him why he used to enjoy those but doesn't want to do them anymore. What's changed?

Try to be open and curious, and let him explain himself. If he won't, or can't, I think you are going to need to think carefully about whether this is the person you want to be with going forwards. Someone who is puritanical about sex and shames you for perfectly normal, 'vanilla' likes. Someone who won't communicate in an adult way about your sex life. I guarantee that unless he opens up and discusses this with you now, it will never ever get better and it may get significantly worse.

I wouldn’t be so sure, I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, plenty of great sex, reassurance, he was even the one bringing up marriage…..….

………only for me to get a message from
the other woman.

You been having sex with him for well over a decade and you only do missionary? Is that what you're telling us? I'm finding it difficult to understand what's really going on here as that doesn't sound very true tbh.

No it's not kinky stuff... That's exactly what I said 😐And why I said that it's very extreme to call someone a whore for suggesting something which is completely normal. Although tbh, I don't think there is much (if anything) that justifies being called a whore - kinky or not!

And everyone seems to be glossing over / ignoring the fact that the OP has already said she suspects he's cheating on her. Which makes sense in terms of his attitude to her suggesting that they make their sex life more exciting.