Help me deter neighbours

Any chance you know one or both of them will be looking to move in the not too distant future? If so, I'd be blunt and tell them you will complain to the council/police/something! about their bullying behaviour which means they'll have to disclose the dispute on any sale documents.

They sound petty and ridiculous ... how sad their lives must be.

In all seriousness now - you're at the very end of the dead end track. It's a private road. Can you not just dump your car as close to your property as you can reasonably get, blocking theirs in? If they don't need theirs until after you've left for work then nobody's actually inconvenienced, and if they do, you take just as long to get around to moving your car as they do.

I don't get why you wouldn't just do this.

Spray snow (the type that you wash off with plain water) decorate the offending car for Christmas. Obviously don't wait for Christmas.

I was thinking get a clip of STAND WELL CLEAR VEHICLE REVERSING and play it for at least 20 minutes at top volume.

Truck Reversing Sound Effect For Video Editing #soundeffects #videoediting

You have to block them in on a weekend where you have no plans and refuse to open the door…. Surely they will want to go out at some point!! Have you got a ring doorbell?

Borrow a caravan and park it..that'll cheer them up no end

Sit on their car bonnet and phone a friend on speakerphone. Cackle loudly. Drink lemonade out of an empty wine bottle whilst doing so.

Get yourself 2 road cones, in the dead of night go out to the space they usually park and stick them to the floor with some type of super strong adhesive. Smuggly watch on as they try to move said cones.

Yes something like this in white

Personally I would just sit in my car outside their house playing Jungle on maximum volume for ten minutes every time they blocked the path into my driveway, before knocking the door to ask them to move their car…. I would also leave my windows open while doing it, to attract as much attention as possible from their neighbours!

As long as it’s before 10.00pm… all is legal!!

If that doesn’t work I would get an air horn / Clayton to announce my presence too!

Print weird but harmless leaflets and leave them under their windscreen wipers, but only when they are parked in your way. Why not start with the rapture? RaptureandRevelation - Rapture Handout

Here you go. Cut and paste below:

🧭 Ground Floor

• Two 2.5m x 5.0m parking bays
• 6.0m internal depth allows:
• 5.0m car length
• 1.0m manoeuvre clearance
• Ramp begins immediately at front corner
• 2.7m clear ramp width

• Two identical 2.5m x 5.0m bays
• 1.1m steel parapet guard
• Wheel stops at front of bays

• Using 1:6.5 gradient (private use acceptable)
• Ramp length ≈ 17.5m
• Achieved by running ramp diagonally along right side (as in your image)

• 4 steel columns (corner supported)
• Steel beams + composite concrete deck
• Open mesh balustrade
• No enclosed walls (retail aesthetic)

Print and then print two attached images. Add a jolly note letting them know that due to ongoing issues with parking, you've put in an application for a miniature two storey car park. Initial response from council seems favourable and you'd be happy to discuss an annual permit fee with them.

Put bird seed on their car - they'll soon get tired of cleaning the poo off. Dance naked in your garden.

There's nothing I love more than being OUTRAGEOUSLY cheery to miserable twats. Really truly as over the top as you can possibly be. Lay it on thick with being obviously not sincere and with a mildly crazy look in your eye.

I would get a good book and a drink and then lie on the offending car like you’re sun bathing.

Tell them you'll do another extension to spite them if they don't stop. The council anti-social behaviour team may well act, even more so if you follow up with a councillor.

Biodegradable glitter goes far.

Get a cheap ass second car and block them in with it.

Use chalk to draw the fake occult symbols outside of their homes. Make sure they have arrows pointing to each of the troublesome properties.

Get a pointy witches hat and stand in the middle of the road, loud mumbling encantations and waving some nice smoky incense. Draw complicated looking symbols in the air whilst staring and mumbling in their general direction.

When you see them to speak to look confused, ask "Are you feeling quite well?" and immediately stare at them with a furrowed brow whilst drawing occult nonsense in the air and mumbling religiously.

Are they old? I had miserable neighbours like that and I was always nice to them. Funnily enough they both died within months of each other and I really believe it was their miserable attitude that gave one a cancer and the other a heart attack. They were only about 68-70). Why don't you arrange a party and invite them too? It might work. Other thing that might work is paying them compliments - are their gardens nice? You could admire their say roses or whatever and ask for advice on how they did it. Kill them with kindness. Don't let the charades get to you - imagine how miserable their lives are compared to yours if that's their entertainment. I would try feel compassion towards them instead.

I love the cake/jam suggestion here, but just hand it to them and stare and smile sweetly yet sinisterly and insist you watch them take a bite before you leave 😈

Get a megaphone with a siren. When you get home and can’t get on the drive, lean out of the window and go off until they come out and move.

Op this is a nightmare. Our neighbours park right to the drip kerb on both sides which makes it impossible for us to swing in, it’s such a pain

I’m sorry. This is a mumsnet parking thread. Where’s the mandatory drawing of said parking issue 🤣

Thought of more.
If you have to ask them to get access to your drive or they bring it up to you in all dead seriousness (but secretly joking) tell them it’s absolutely fine I’ll take the broom next time.
Tell them you have a new sage stick and you’d just love smudge them.
Play lots of music like season of the witch, Stevie nicks, Lana del ray.

Just block them in.

Ooo I’d go down a delightfully witchy path with this! But then I am that way inclined 🤔. I’d put some crystals around their car or on their tyres. You can get small tumbled or raw ones quite easily and cheaply. Clear quartz would be good as it’ll amplify their petty negative energy and send it right back to them. I’d pour a salt outline around their cars- table salt will do. This will contain their negativity within the outline but also offer you a bit of protection. I’d write their names on paper and put them in freezer to freeze them out - of your mind/enegry/space. They won’t know about that one obviously but it might help you. I’d adorn any outside space they will see with really OTT witchy things - I’m thinking cauldron plant pots, a sheep skulls, a proper wooden broom and really OTT witchy signs or a doormat (if your brave enough 😉). Hmm what else, oooo talk to the moon a lot or about the moon and planets especially mercury retrograde, talk to trees too heck hug a tree directly in front of them and invite them to hold hands and join in. Scatter tarot cards outside their house and invite them to a gong bath. Ask them what their star sign and birth time was so you can make a street birth chart to maximise your good fortune for the lunar new year. Pls ask if you need more inspiration I love to be mischievous 😈 🖤