Page 2 | In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

SpanishFork · 2026-02-15T14:59:03+00:00

Last summer my FiL’s very elderly uncle died; I had met him a handful of times. My husband and his brothers and cousins would often drive down to see him in his house where he lived independently. Husband’s aunt got a call from a neighbour to say he had died. So yesterday my nearly 7 year old comes home babbling about saving plans etc. It turns out she is a beneficiary of his will and my husband knew this but didn’t tell me as I have a ten year old from a previous marriage. She has no relationship whatsoever with her father’s family. My husband who supports my eldest without question says I am always weird about stuff like this. He says his parents and one of his siblings have got every right to talk openly about money and this openness is what helps educate children about money. There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start. I am so angry that my in-laws have done this. My husband says my daughter would have found out anyway through cousins etc.

Threewordsspecial · 16/02/2026 18:51

PurpleThistle7 · 16/02/2026 18:05

Am trying to work out how to put it but it might just be that you have very different experiences with money. Wealthy people do have a different attitude about it and it sounds like your husband and daughter are part of very wealthy family with the amount of money that just came to your daughter as one of my beneficiaries. They need to learn how to take care of it and protect it and it’s probably something they’re all used to talking about quite openly as you need to do quite a lot to protect generational wealth. So perhaps it’s just what sounds like over sharing to you is quite different for their shared situation.

Still think there’s a fundamental issue with you and your husband as he didn’t talk to you first, but if he knew you’d be trying to convince the entire family to lie to their own children to protect your daughter that makes more sense. Why would they do that?

This is also what I have observed. DH is from a wealthy family. They manage and discuss money openly and from a young age. That’s also how generational worth is managed and kept.

Threewordsspecial · 16/02/2026 18:47

Smilesinthesunshine · 16/02/2026 18:32

I disagree! While the grandparents have no obligation to consider the eldest daughter financially they could perhaps consider her feelings and keep quiet about the inheritance. They sound rather vulgar to be honest.

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It is op’s duty to parent her 10 yo and help her deal with this.

or op and 10 yo can also move out. For as long as op stays in this marriage, she will have to parent and support her 10 yo.

Threewordsspecial · 16/02/2026 18:45

SpanishFork · 16/02/2026 15:43

Right to clarify I have no issue whatsoever with children learning to be financially literate; I started this post to moan about my in-laws talking to my child about money that she has inherited. I think she is too young to know that she has this amount of money.

I believe strongly that only parents should have these kind of conversations with their minor children.

My husband is happy to speak openly about money and does not object to his parents speaking openly especially as other children have inherited as well.

Because my children are half-siblings things have to be handled more sensitively but at no point whatsoever have I ever suggested that my child should inherit anything from them. I would have hoped that they would generally be less exclusionary while always being nice and polite.

The will did not mention the uncle’s niece and nephews but the next two generations were included. My husband and all of that generation and their biological children have inherited and no, this hasn’t got anything to do with me but my husband will reduce the mortgage, I have not asked for anything and I am not controlling.

He doubts that he will be included in his parents’ will because of my eldest daughter. When my BiL divorced he was given money by his parents which will be taken into account when the in-laws die. The in-laws do not consider discussions about this to be distasteful.

My six year old has been told by us and grandparents not to discuss money with friends she is also going round parroting what my MiL has said about the money in relation to her eldest grandchildren, that money is to be used for property and not for travelling.

To sum up I am troubled by the disparity but I am not looking for others to make up for it.

Nobody , even my FiL and his sister and cousin could have foreseen this, so there was no hope for me.

I Absolutely take on board what some people have said about information being shared at university age being the worst time and that has given me something to ponder so I am grateful for that.

Also, please note it’s your responsibility to parent your 10 yo. That is the only thing you have control over- as you now know. You cannot control what the in laws do or say to their grandchildren.

Smilesinthesunshine · 16/02/2026 18:32

pocketpairs · 16/02/2026 17:54

I totally disagree. Grandparents have no obligation, moral or otherwise, to consider elder daughter.

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I disagree! While the grandparents have no obligation to consider the eldest daughter financially they could perhaps consider her feelings and keep quiet about the inheritance. They sound rather vulgar to be honest.

PurpleThistle7 · 16/02/2026 18:05

Am trying to work out how to put it but it might just be that you have very different experiences with money. Wealthy people do have a different attitude about it and it sounds like your husband and daughter are part of very wealthy family with the amount of money that just came to your daughter as one of my beneficiaries. They need to learn how to take care of it and protect it and it’s probably something they’re all used to talking about quite openly as you need to do quite a lot to protect generational wealth. So perhaps it’s just what sounds like over sharing to you is quite different for their shared situation.

Still think there’s a fundamental issue with you and your husband as he didn’t talk to you first, but if he knew you’d be trying to convince the entire family to lie to their own children to protect your daughter that makes more sense. Why would they do that?

Bimmering · 16/02/2026 17:56

CommonlyKnownAs · 16/02/2026 17:00

I believe strongly that only parents should have these kind of conversations with their minor children.

I couldn't help but notice you hadn't addressed DHs point about one of the cousins bringing it up sooner rather than later.

Holding this view as a matter of principle is one thing, and one could possibly argue that the other adults in the family should respect it. But you can't enforce that on other people's kids, and they have a wider extended family culture of being open about this stuff. If it's talked about openly, there's always going to be a risk of it being introduced before your preferred time, by children who are less capable of talking about the issue maturely.

I agree with this.

Also if I'm honest, I think it's quite controlling to expect extended family to change their way id doing things and edit their conversations to fit your preferences. Particularly as this post points out, it would essentially involve them changing how they speak to their other grandchildren as well if it was to be kept secret from your DD.

I probably am biased as I am more like your in laws - my parents and PIL talk quite openly to my kids about money and savings that they have made for them. I find it helpful actually that my kids have had drilled into them from a young age that the money from their grandparents is for education or housing.

pocketpairs · 16/02/2026 17:54

Wayk · 16/02/2026 16:17

While the grand uncle did not think of your eldest I do think your in laws should be mindful of your eldest daughter. She is only a child but old enough to know her sister is going to receive a huge amount of money.

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I totally disagree. Grandparents have no obligation, moral or otherwise, to consider elder daughter.

pocketpairs · 16/02/2026 17:45

HarlanCobenDogshit · 16/02/2026 10:06

Christ, if this is the drama created after an inheritance from a great uncle, what on earth is the OP going to be like when the inlaws follow suit?

OP you are desperate for your 10yo to be seen as part of DH family, but they don't and won't. (And nor should they).

You need to reconcile this asap otherwise you and your chip will be very unpleasant to be around.

Ultimatly, one child is from a low contact low income family and the other is from the opposite.

You need to realise this is of your own creation. No one else.

100% agree with this. Let's hope the in-laws don't pass while her youngest is still under 18. She chose this situation, but its now everyone else that is being unreasonable.

CommonlyKnownAs · 16/02/2026 17:00

I believe strongly that only parents should have these kind of conversations with their minor children.

I couldn't help but notice you hadn't addressed DHs point about one of the cousins bringing it up sooner rather than later.

Holding this view as a matter of principle is one thing, and one could possibly argue that the other adults in the family should respect it. But you can't enforce that on other people's kids, and they have a wider extended family culture of being open about this stuff. If it's talked about openly, there's always going to be a risk of it being introduced before your preferred time, by children who are less capable of talking about the issue maturely.

Oriunda · 16/02/2026 16:53

KilkennyCats · 16/02/2026 16:04

He doubts that he will be included in his parents’ will because of my eldest daughter
What does this mean, op? Your husband suspects that he will be disinherited from his parent’s will lest some of it benefits your daughter?
Has he actually said this?

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It sounds like the DH’s parents are all about keeping the family wealth within the family. They realise that leaving OP’s DH an inheritance means that money will flow to the OP and her eldest daughter, which is clearly not what they want. So presumably the DH inheritance will skip down to OP’s younger daughter, their GC. Sounds like the DH is aware and accepting of this.

I understand this mentality; my DH’s family have a family business (not in the UK). It’s tightly structured so that wives cannot have any claim on it. My BIL’s (now) ex-wife was spitting feathers when she realised this!

Biker47 · 16/02/2026 16:41

District66 · 15/02/2026 15:24

I’m in a similar situation and it means that I direct all of my resources towards my eldest knowing that the youngest will receive whatever from their side of the family.
I just do my best to even things up and everybody accepts that

And when the relatives of your youngest burn through their money before death because they want to, or it gets wiped out by care home fee's, what then? May not be an inheritance, may be a current trust fund or something, but even so I couldn't imagine treating my own children differently; myself; on the promise of something potentially happening for one and not the others from a third party, maybe in the future, it's a surefire way to create resentment.

outerspacepotato · 16/02/2026 16:28

at no point whatsoever have I ever suggested that my child should inherit anything from them. I would have hoped that they would generally be less exclusionary while always being nice and polite.

You've made your wants really clear without having to spit it out to your inlaws. In return, they've been very clear with you as to where you and your daughter stand. They're polite but you two aren't considered family. Your husband has been pretty clear that he sees you always getting "weird" when there's family money discussions.

Accept it or leave. You have fits and come here and vent, then something else comes up and you get angry all over again. What do you think that cycle is doing to your marriage and kids? Your fits of anger over their money is likely to teach your eldest entitlement rather than to be at peace with the differences in your kids' financial status. She may have to grind harder but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Floundering66 · 16/02/2026 16:17

Oh I’ve just seen the amount. Bloody hell they were so wrong! I wouldn’t want a 6 year old going round school talking about that kind of money.

And you’re right to be sad for your eldest daughter - they are close in age and half siblings- I’m sure you want them to be close and unfortunately money does drive a wedge for a lot of families. It’s something that needs to be handled sensitively.