In-laws talking to 6 year old about inheritance

You have posted SO MANY times about your in laws, OP, and how your DH sides with them. On each of your threads I end up wondering why, why did you marry this man and marry into his family?? You have totally opposing views on so many fundamental, crucial things. What’s your plan for the rest of your marriage? Constant strife and misery with you objecting to everything they do, from birthday parties to inheritances to wedding photos…what are you doing to your marriage and your children here?

Yes, the former is giving them an empty cliche, and the latter is actually education.

I’m not sure where the ‘upper class people don’t discuss money’ trope comes from, but it’s as unfortunately pervasive as it’s ‘noble peasant, closer to god’ counterpart, and equally unfounded. Money, and the finer details of a family’s financial situation, have always been on the table for discussion, particularly when it came to the marriage market. Similarly, making a display of wealth (housing, fashion, etc) has always been something the upper classes have indulged in, unless it was politically dangerous to do so.

Tbh I think it likely arose from around the time that strict social hierarchies began to shift, and the upstart ‘new money’ types began to get ideas above their station and overtook the old. The old got butthurt over this, so trotted this out to make themselves feel better, and as a way to assert themselves as superior still. Mind you, at the same time they were sneering at new money, and especially American new money, they were also hightailing it across the Atlantic to offer up titles in exchange for much needed cash injections.

Topping up with your own money is one thing. Although I doubt the OP has a spare 77k to give to her eldest to level it up. And chances are the youngest will get more when grandparents die

However if you take inheritance from one child to give to the other that's just theft

Telling your 6 yo should have been a joint decision between you and your DH. I agree talking about money openly teaches children about it but you have every right to disagree. But inequality and unfairness is baked in for children in blended families as step relatives won’t treat all children equally. You should anticipate this.

There is a huge difference in explaining to your child that life is going to cost them money and what they are going have to pay out over giving them details about your personal finances like discussing what you earn and how much you have in your savings. The only reason my daughter knows how much I earn is because its linked to her student finance but she wouldn't of dreamed of asking my before.
I don't personally agree with telling a 6yr old that they have nearly 80k.

And you're pushing this level of ignorance as a desirable trait?

I think most people find public boasting about money/purchases to be vulgar and inappropriate, but a family discussing things such as earnings, mortgages, cost of living, pensions and investments is, or should be, entirely normal and part of a child's education and preparation for adulthood.

That you have no clue about your own investments is quite strange. That may be the way your family chose to operate, but in my experience financial ignorance is not considered desirable or something to be encouraged.

Ime the ‘frugal’ old money families are usually that way because they’re asset rich but cash poor, hence frugality being necessary. Beyond that the idea that ‘really wealthy people are classy and present themselves as if they just rolled out of a hovel is the most tired of tropes. Those with old money that are also cash rich are just as inclined to spend in the same way as those newly wealthy. What is utterly normal is the instilling of a financial education from childhood, by parent and/or financial advisor.

You’ll be shot at Dawn for that

Not usually within their own families.

There is no way I would have spoken to my youngest about this especially as my eldest won’t have such a good start.
I am so angry that my in-laws have done this.

It is yes. Unless it's structured conversations about mortgages, pensions, earnings etc....What someone might potentially leave in a will or what you have been left 😳

Where has OP said that?

We were taught that it was vulgar to discuss money.

My mums family are all really wealthy from old money and they absolutely do not talk about money and are really quite frugal. We also had money left to us by grandparents which was invested for us and I still have clue at nearly 50 what the original sum was or how well the investments performed because is just wasn't discussed with us.

But ops seemingly not interested in helping out younger dd, the rage is all because elder dd isn’t getting money

I actually agree with OP. Mainly because my brother can't stop talking about money and inheritance in front of his daughter (she's only 19mnths) and my children to the point my children have little respect for him. Even my mum has pulled him up on it multiple times as it feels so crass.
I don't think OP should of found out about this money through her 6yr old , especially not if it in the 70k plus range and its not she should decide how the money is spent but it would be nice to have an idea so she can help her child.

No good going over and over it - you can't change it no matter how angry it makes you. You've said your piece to your husband. Draw a line under it. The more you keep the spotlight on this, the more likely that your elder daughter will pick up on your resentment about this.

No.

I haven't RTFT but is it not normal to adjust their inheritance so that they get the same? My girls have different grandparents via their respective fathers and if one inherits a lot more than the other, I will top them up so that they get the same inheritance over their lives.

And you know this how?

On the contrary, most families of class and money find discusses their finances to be tasteless, crass and vulgar.

Like you OP i would be fuming..at 6 years of age they should bd thinking of playdates and where they're going in half term and similar things not inheritance money or such like..this is typical mumsnet mums shit though..all making out they are rich hoity toity mums..they're not..most haven't a pot to piss in and would love what your child got..your child should have been told at 18/21 when theyre old enough to know what to do with that amount of money..your husband is also an atsehole for allowing this to happen xx

No, they don’t. They sounds very normal
for a wealthy family.

You knew you were marrying into a wealthy family that were not going to treat your eldest daughter as theirs. You may not have foreseen the great uncle leaving money to your youngest, but you knew your children would not be treated the same, and that financial disparity would exist between them.

They know you have issues regarding your eldest daughter,and by the sounds of it your youngest is quite aware that you do too. I don’t see anything wrong with your MIL’s explanation to your youngest, either. Did you want her to lie? Or did
you expect your youngest to parrot your opinions?

While you may consider discussing money with children inappropriate, openness is an entirely normal, and beneficial, part of childhood for many of us (as was knowing not to yell about it in the playground). Your husband included, by the sounds of it. How they’re managing their money is also very normal, standard even, for wealthy families.

You really need fo come to terms with, and accept, the decisions you made. You cannot change the disparity that exists, no matter how angry and upset you get. What’s done is done. Projecting your anger about this onto your in laws is only hurting you and your own family unit.

I don’t think being angry is helping you,I think you need to find some way of accepting this so you can let go of the anger.
I have a complicated situation which resulted in my elder child having a harder upbringing than my younger one, she turned out better for it. I was always honest with her about the circumstances that led us to this situation. Good luck OP it isn’t easy.